Passion

Passion.  It’s the only word I can think of to describe 2013.  I ended 2012 in a sorrowful, pitiful funk...and started 2013 with force.  I aimed to do things a little differently and I have, and I feel like I’m truly about to burst at the seams with how passionate I feel towards…everything!  It's as if I can't wait another minute...for whatever is about to happen in the next minute!

Gym – it’s not that exciting, but thanks to my dear friend Mandy letting me borrow her Nook…I look forward to it every day.  I’ve never been able to read and ACTUAL book on any workout machines, too hard to read a steady line, and keep the book open.  But with the Nook, big font, lies flat – perfect!  AND this way I don’t stay up super late reading, I only read when I’m at the gym so with a good book…it’s something to look forward to, and before I know it my time is up – sometimes it’s WAY up and I’ve had no idea!  Great!

Zumba – yeah yeah – I’ve said it before, but I just love it.  I love the music, I love that it makes me interested in actual dance, I love the workout, and I love the people.  I have made quite a few new friends through several nights of Zumba, and have dragged several of my friends to zumba as well.  The instructors are so positive, it’s not like they are there to do their job and force you to bust your ass…it’s like they are there to have fun with you and make sure you’re having a good time (while busting your ass).  I put this on Facebook a while ago…but it’s fitting for this blog.  During our last session in the former studio, the instructor (Jill) killed us with a particular routine.  When it was done I said to her (while out of breath) “How do you not die?”  and without skipping a beat she said “You live!”  So simple.  Love that girl.

Friends – Broken record I know, but I do know the greatest people, and I challenge you to disagree.  Although if you're reading this, you are probably one of them...so no reason to disagree!  It’s almost overwhelming at times because I want life to slow down.  People often say “don’t you think you’re too busy?”  But I don’t.  I’m very, very busy yes...but I keep it balanced.  My “me time” – is when I’m doing what makes me happy.  All of this makes me happy.  Working out, solo or in a group, and seeing my friends...  Yes, it may be hard to schedule things sometimes, but I really do make an effort to spend time with everyone.  Everyone reading this (and not reading this) is important to me.  Once again we had a beautiful 4^th of July.  Every year a group of us goes to Island Lake. This was my first year without my sweet Budha.  BUT…1. I happened to be watching my friends’ dog for the week so I brought him along, and  2. Happiness is what you make of it.  Beautiful day, with fantastic friends….bliss.

Kitchen – I FINALLY made it to a comfort level financially to remodel my kitchen (nothing major, but to me, it was major) – and though I still have one window and one door to trim, I did it….and it feels fantastic.

Dating – I’ve been dating again recently and it feels great.  No one person in particular but just being back “out there” after being is such a miserable funk last fall/winter.  I love meeting new people.  Or…even being stood up can bring about a hilarious story when you have good friends to laugh about it with (Thanks Amanda, Lisa, and Mandy!).

I feel great.  I’m conscious of what I eat, and how much or little I work out in a day.  I’m remembering to appreciate the small things, to be grateful for what little I have and know it can always be worse, and to really let people know how big of an influence they are in my life even if they don’t think so (and if you haven’t heard it from me yet, know that it’s true for you as well).

I just feel like…after having a miserable 30, and a tough time breaking into 31...I’m finally at a point where...not only am I accepting of it…but I’m ruling it!

Feeling Disgusting and Loving it!

I just posted on Facebook "sweating out of my earholes".  That's pretty accurate.  Let me explain.  I've battled for many years with trying to lose weight.  I've probably lost like 250 lbs if you add up all the times I've lost the same 10!  A few years ago I lost 29.8 lbs.  That was my record.  Then over time I gained about 37 back.  Hmph.

Well...throughout all of this, I've still remained active, but not increasingly active.  Same activities, gym, walking the pup, volleyball, wallyball...but never really bumping it up.

I lost my pup in August.  After swallowing several struggles and always being happy to bounce back when I saw that face..that was the straw that broke the camel's back.  It wasn't just the missing her, it was everything that she healed....reopening.  I don't expect that to be understood...she just...she was the best part of my day.  That's it.  Love my friends, family, life, but regardless of what struggle was at hand...she was never a part of the tough times.  So...bottom line is I lost her in August and it took MONTHS to get - I don't want to say "happy" or "better" but "rejuvenated".  In December I realized there were many things I was just losing interest in, places I didn't want to go, people I didn't want to see, and to top it off - none of my clothes were fitting and I was at a point of accepting that.

I felt unhappy and therefore wasn't caring much about my appearance.  I didn't care much about my appearance, and therefore felt unhappy. I'm going to skip over the more personal stuff and cut to the chase...basically one day I realized I just don't want to fall victim to my own mistreatment. I don't want to wake up at 50 and feel like I'm 80. 

So....on December 28th, I said "Screw New Years, I'm starting now!", and I started eating right, and even bit the bullet and went to a Zumba class.  in about 13 weeks I lost 30.2 lbs.  A new record, barely, but a record none-the less.  Was it hard?  Not really.  That's what makes the "hard times"....HARD!  I didn't have trouble at all with it, a mini vacation had some set backs, as did not getting to the gym a couple times just due to timing issues....but I bounced back easy peasy.  However in the past 2 weeks, I've lingered between  maintaining and gaining 5.  Why?  Because I've just been in a funk...nothing major just small stresses getting on my nerves. So today I vowed that that's enough slacking and that I'm not going to stop just because I broke my previous record. 

So...I came home from work after a really long, exhausting day and more than anything I wanted a beer.  But instead I went to Zumba...I was mopey and in a daze the whole way there thinking about internal stresses and how to handle them and that really...in the grand scheme of life....they are nothing.  They are blessings really.  "Ohhh waaa...work is tough" - I have a job.  "Ohhh waaaa I want my kitchen remodel finished" - I have shelter.  Shut up, self.  So I got to Zumba....and it was a blast - and literally - that's the most I've sweat in a couple months...and I go to Zumba 3+ times/week!  I felt and still feel great.  Disgusting, but great  - and I feel like I've got that little extra umph to get back on track!

Every time I do well with losing, I get confident and then when I stop losing, well...it seems like a public defeat.  I hate that.  Is it going to happen again?  Let's be honest - of course the potential exists...but I feel great and I have the motivation and confidence to say...I'm looking forward the Facebook status I post that says "Today...down 50 lbs".  I hope to have that written sometime over the summer.

For now, my happy, sweaty, disgusting self...is calling it a day. Good night all.

Holidays: This Blog's for You

I am asking you to do most of the work in this blog.  I want to know what your holidays are like.  Do you have to travel far enough to take a plane, a train, or a road trip longer than 6 hours?  With whom do you get together?  Your parents?  Your children?  Your in-laws?  Yourself?  What do you do?  Tell stories?  Play games?  Go to church?  If you get together with family, how often do you see them?  Do you do a Christmas dinner?  How many houses do you have to attend?  What does it mean to you?  Is it just another day?  A sentimental time?  Does it make you happy or stress you out?  What do you love about it?  What do you wish was different?

Okay, now really think about all of those questions. Tell me the answer.  Tell me what the holidays are like for you.  Now...a lot of people comment on my blogs via facebook, however, if you choose to remain anonymous please comment on the blog itself as "Anonymous".

I've had several different styles of Christmas.  I've spent some completely alone (well with Budha), I've spent some with just the folks, some with far away relatives, one with a family I just met even though had always been a part of, and some with siblings and children.  I've had several days to bask in holiday days off, and I've also been very rushed...but I want to know about yours. 

Do tell.

Mind Mishmash

This blog post is going to be about no one specific thing.  Just killing time on a Sunday.

1. Gilda.  A few weeks ago, I adopted a kitty.  I went to the Duluth Animal Allies to get an adult male cat...and instead ended up in Superior getting a female kitten.  Ironically she was a stray cat hanging around a coworker's house and after days of caring for her, he brought her to the shelter (her son had named her "Cutie").  They couldn't keep her, as they already have 3 cats of their own.  He told me this story the night before I went looking for a kitty.  When I got to Superior I was already pretty convinced it just wasn't mean to be that day.  Then I saw this cute little blonde/orange cat and I picked her up and she fell asleep in my arms.  The name on her cage said "Cutie".  "It's you!" I said to her.  And we were in the car together in 5 minutes.  The first night I had her, I knew I could not keep her name.  She kept me up for most of the night licking my face and "Cutie - go lay down!" just doesn't work.  (plus she's not a dog and doesn't listen to these commands anyway).  So after a couple days of observing her, her golden fur, golden eyes, and humorous behavior.  Her name became "Gilda".

2. No one needs to wish you a good day.  It disgusts me - I mean DISGUSTS me that people actually put time and effort into bitching about people saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas".  Beliefs aside....stop being an ass.  No one needs to wish you a happy anything if you're just going to complain.  Guess what?  There are SEVERAL holidays in the "Holiday" season.  It's like if I said "Have a good day" and someone got offended because I was specific to say "Have a good Sunday".  It's gross.  If you really are going to complain over someone wishing you happiness, take a look at yourself.  Just because someone doesn't say "Merry Christmas" doesn't mean they are boycotting it, and even if they do have different beliefs, what does it say about the person who gets offended.  Nice peaceful attitude.    I just can't believe that people have such a need for controversy in their lives that it overtakes what is "meant to be" a joyous time of year.   It's so easy to just be nice and respect each other and yet these days it seems people care more about creating debates about ANYTHING just to be heard.  Honestly get a life if you're going to get worked up over something so petty.  There are more important things in the world.  Get over it.  It is a very selfish way to behave.  As I said...no one needs to wish you a happy anything...

3. Dogs.  I miss my Budha every day.  Every. Day.  And I love Gilda, she is wonderful.  But I still think I will need to get another dog at some point.  Yesterday I thought "An Austrailian Shepherd would be a good addition to this house".  Really of course, I would end up choosing whatever dog caught my heart....whenever that may be. 

4. House.  I finally got that annoying area above my stairs painted.  Looks good.  I wonder what the next project will be.  Lots of them to choose from I guess.  When I really think about it though, I've put a lot of work into the house in 6 years.  But mostly - I need a new roof....and I would love to get rid of that big heavy bathtub someday.

5. Not exactly where I wanted to be at this point, but you can't really plan on these things.  Almost 31, single, no kids, and relying on roommates to get debt paid down...not only is that hard to swallow by itself, but also tough to watch when you seem to be the only one on that side of life.  I don't expect people to understand it. 

6. Thanksgiving.  I rarely leave town for Thanksgiving.  I've always enjoyed doing my own Thanksgiving for people who have nowhere else to go, or who just want to spend time together.  One year it was just me and Tom - and a LOT of food!  I've had as few as 2 and as many as 13 people during Thanksgiving.  Well this year I'll go down to my brother's house   It will be nice to see the family and spend the day together.  Maybe I'll try to do my orphan thanksgiving next weekend.  :)  We'll see.  But for all of you who have spent previous Thanksgivings with me, thank you, have a wonderful day, and I'll let you know if I do one at a later time. 

7. In my mind it's practically March.  Thanksgiving next week, Christmas in December, Tom is coming in January (yea!), I am going to Oregon in February, and everything is just happening a little too fast.

8.  I've been awake for several hours and it's still not even noon.  What to do for the rest of the day?  Lots of things I "should" do but don't feel like it.  Puppysitting right now for the big boy and the little girl.  Henry is sticking his bottom lip out. 

Well I'm rambling so that's the end of this nonsense blog.  Not my finest, but kept me busy for a little while anyway.  Stay tuned for the next blog on www.timeforgirlsdinnernight.blogspot.com.  I should write that one up later tonight (or for sure by tomorrow night).

To All Kids and Teenagers

I write this for all the youth of today. 

Bullying.  About 2 years ago I talked with a young woman (just out of high school) about bullying.  I said "Bullies have been around forever, it's really no different".  I was wrong about that.  Social media is a great tool.  Is social media to be blamed for bullying?  No...but we have to educate kids more on all aspects of social media, it's not just Facebook, but YouTube, even texting is a form of social media.  I have no kids.  I don't know how this is handled in schools today.  I DO know that bullying seems to be taken MUCH more seriously now than I ever remember in schools, and that is wonderful.  But what are the proactive measures?  I honestly don't know.  It's my hope though that there are more social skills classes beginning at a young age, not only about treating others as you'd like to be treated, but also really educating kids (repeatedly) about the dangers of any electronic posts and how they aren't going to disappear in a day, or even only be seen by the intended viewers.

Yesterday on CNN I saw this story about a teen suicide after bullying.  I'm 30 years old.  It breaks my heart to see that someone so young, was pushed to this limit...and will never know how life could have been great for her.  What's more upsetting is that this isn't a unique case.  This is happening more and more and we need to help save these kids!  Times aren't what they were....this story explains even if the parents move their kids to a new school...bullying through social media can follow.

The most important thing I want to say to all of these kids before I go any further is this:

*PUSH THROUGH YOUR TEEN YEARS!  IT WILL GET BETTER!*

 

It's not easy.  If you're in school, and kids are mean to you, tormenting you, you lose your best friend, you lose all your friends, that is terrible.  It is TERRIBLE.  BUT...you HAVE to be strong because life goes by fast and you just have to get through school.  Once you get through school, you can move on to college or if you don't go to college, you can still move on to adulthood.  Kids/Teenagers often time behave the way they do...to be accepted.  And if that means hurting others....unfortunately that happens.  But if you can get through that....just keep fighting it every day there is light at the end of the tunnel.  When you are on your own, through the dramatics of high school, that is your time to shine.  You don't need all those people surrounding you, you will have your independence to find out who YOU are and build new friendships.  By that point, you are going to be surrounded by others like you who are just trying to becoming their own person, and none of this petty stuff will matter anymore.  By then if someone treats you badly, it will not only be easier to walk away from that person, but it will also be your time to tell them how childish they are behaving.  No one should ever disrespect another person, but after high school...it's even more unacceptable - and any self respecting adult should be embarrassed if they ever make another person feel inadequate.

 

Another thing you should know...if you have bullies now, a lot of them will probably have regret in the future about the way they treated you.  Does that help you now?  Probably not, but it's another example of how people grow.  Grade school and high school does not build who you are - you must understand that.  Grade school and high school are to educate you for your adult life.  You don't build who YOU are until...you have the opportunity to break free of these other influences.  And the feeling is incredible, but you have to push through.  A few years of torment (which still isn't fair) isn't worth shorting yourself of what could be a lifetime of wonderful things to come!

 

When I went to my 10 year class reunion, I saw 2 sides that made me proud of my classmates. 

 

1.  I saw some people that I was shocked to see, because I remember them being bullied.  It took amazing courage for them to come back to a place where people weren't always nice to them...and you know....everyone got along great.  Good for them for showing up and saying "Hey...my life is great."

 

2. I sat with a woman who was a very popular girl in high school.  She looked at me and said "I just really wish "so and so" would have come to the reunion.  I really wanted to apologize to her, I wasn't nice to her when we were little".  That was about 20 years before hand...but she grew up and she genuinely felt bad about this, and wanted to tell her she was sorry. 

 

So my own story.  I hated bullying - I never took part of it through high school/grade school.  I stood up for those getting made fun of, but still one thing always sticks in my mind.  When I was in first grade - only....6 years old... I was playing with a girl in my class for a few days, and then 2 other kids pulled me aside and said I shouldn't be friends with her because "she isn't cool".  6 years old.  I stopped playing with her.  I didn't say anything mean to her or pick on her...but she had no idea why I abandoned her.  6 years old.  That girl grew up, with people being rude to her all through high school...what I did seemed so minor...I just stopped talking to her....at 6 years old.  But I thought about it ever day, and I still do.

 

*Sara Nelson, from Park Rapids...I apologize to you.  Maybe you don't even remember us hanging out in first grade, but I do.  I hope you are living a good life, and I respect you for hanging in there in a school full of students that didn't always treat you well.*

 

Never say hurtful things to someone.  Yes, sometimes we have to say things people may not want to hear, but really think about it.  Think about how this could affect that person, and also remember that we NEVER fully understand what another person is going through, so before you judge them, stop and think about WHY you feel the need to!   

 

To the kids who are currently facing these struggles at school...this is not just to say "get through it" - use resources to help you.  Talk with your parents, talk to your counselors at school, talk to counselors outside of school, go to support groups, find online support...do these things in order to push through.  Your life will get better, once it becomes your own. 

 

Do you think this blog doesn't apply to you because you don't bully? Good for you. Stand up for what you believe in. Help these kids. NO ONE deserves to be hurt...ever. Stand up for these kids, befriend them. Help them. Will you get bullied for doing so? Then to the next person "stand up for these kids, befriend them. Help them." Fighting for what you believe in, fighting to make a person feel good is so much more than picking on someone because you have nothing better to do that be a jerk. Do what's right. Don't worry what people will think - because you could be the one person who may just save someone's life for giving an ounce of care.  Don't be the person who says "I should have said something" when it's too late. 

 

Everyone deserves the opportunity of a long happy life.  Help each other get through the younger years.  It's such a small portion of life, and while it seems like everything to you at the time - that's only because it's all you know.  Be strong and push through those hard times.  Give yourself the opportunity to experience the REAL life you deserve...you'll amaze yourself. 

 



The Best Story of my Life

It's been two weeks since life felt normal. Two weeks ago today, Budha and I snuggled in the morning, spent the day together and spend the afternoon/evening at one of our very favorite places. The home of the Henricksons. We went for a nice walk with her besties, Sammy and Henry, and her Aunti Mandy while her uncle Ken made dinner.  It was the perfect end to a perfect day.

I met Budha in 2002.  Jon left work and I had to close up the store.  He asked if I wanted to come over and have a couple drinks.  I did.  I grabbed a 6 pack of Rolling Rock at the liquor store (that isn't there anymore) by the movie theatre (that isn't there anymore) on Haines Rd.  I followed Jon's directions and arrived at his house and remember loving the double decks.  I walked up and rang the bell, and Jon walked over in his brick red flannel pajamas and a glass of wine - and then this beautiful dog came running, barking and wagging her tail...and her name was Budha.  Man he loved that girl.

I went into the living room and Jon sat in his chair and I sat on the loveseat to his right with this dog sitting by me...she had the look of pure love on her face and I KNEW that this dog had a wonderful life with her owner and best friend.

Within only a week or two I had a key to his house, and I loved going there and taking her for surprise walks.  At that time, our favorite walk was from Skyline/Observation Rd down to 3rd St and back up "The Long and Winding Road" (thank you Beatles).  Our other favorite walk, was down at Chester Creek. 

This photo was taken so long ago, digital cameras barely existed...let alone those new fangled "camera phones".

I remember taking her to work when Jon was working, and she would run behind the counter and stand up and put her paws on the counter when customers walk up.  I could always feel the joy running through my veins seeing the smile she put on everyone's faces, especially Jon's.

I remember when Jon called me at work (this was when I lived there) and asked me to pick up some gauze on my way home because Budha had cut her foot.  I cried.  I knew she was fine, but was sad that this happy little girl was injured.  I remember feeling ridiculous about it. 

In 2004, I had my own apartment, but still - I always had that key - and I was still there (and for years to come) every day to see both of them.  My friend Brent came to town and we took Budha on the Chester Creek trail.  One of Jon's neighbors had 3 dogs he walked every day.  Well, on this particular day, I heard his neighbor's voice call out from through the trees "Watch out for Stella!!"  I put Budha on her leash immediately as his dog tore up the trail and attacked my girl, right to the ground.  I pulled Budha out of the fight and Stella's owner came up to get his dog....I was not happy.  As Brent and Budha and I walked I noticed she had blood on her ear.  I was trying to find the source and couldn't.  We hurried back to the house and I sat on the deck with her washing her ear and it kept bleeding and bleeding.  I bawled.  Finally I found through all that fur that it was just a tiny ear piercing but one of those places that just don't quickly clot.  I walked to Jon's work and said "First....she's fine....but Budha got bit in the ear by "so and so's" dog".  He looked angry, relieved and sad.  I know how much he loved her...Budha was really like a child to him.  He always said "she's blood".

Budha was such a lover.  I remember one time my friend came over with a girl he was seeing, and Budha just wasn't having it.  She growled almost the whole time she was there.  Well...baby girl had good instincts.   That girl was crazy.

One year I wanted to boycott Christmas and just have a birthday instead.  Of course....everyone else still celebrated Christmas...but there was Budha, by my side just happy to be with me.  :)

In all the years I've had or have known Budha, I've never left the house (or driven away) without saying "bye baby girl, I love you" - even if I was out of earshot.

I remember in 2006 I was at a party and I said "I have to get going, I have to see my schmoopy girl" and several people said "Yeah you just want to see Jon" - well yeah I liked to see Jon every day...but I NEEDED to see Budha.  I didn't like the idea of her waiting for me and having me not show up.  She was Jon's dog, his baby...and I was flattered when we agreed to call me "vice owner" and even sometimes he'd say "co-owner".  Though I never thought I'd have her.

When Jon passed away in 2007 I drove up to the house in more pain than I had ever felt.  I grabbed all Budha's belongings, said some words to his family, and saw Budha on her chain at the neighbors house.  She was running and jumping frantically when she saw me.  I'd seen Budha get sad after so many days when Jon would go on vacation..but this was different.  I think she knew exactly what had happened.  I was scared for weeks, maybe even months, thinking she would not survive this...the depression of losing her dad.

Having Budha....helping her be happy again, helped me to be happy again.  I remember the first time I felt GENUINE, not alcohol induced happiness, after he passed away, was after I had taken Budha somewhere, and as we turned up 59th Ave, she stood up, her head out the window, smiling and wagging that tail.....and I knew she knew she was home.  I even remember facebooking about that moment!

One winter morning I woke up and came downstairs, and Tom was shoveling...which made me happy and lucky just with that.....but then I saw more.  He was playing with Budha out in the snow....and she was having a blast.  I thought my heart would explode.

Tom was so good to her.  He took her on walks and played with her and talked to her....she loved him.  Sometimes I'd come home and they'd be on a walk together and I'd have to text him to bring her home because it was just too weird in the house without her.  Tom is an amazing photographer, but one of my favorite pictures of her...he took with a camera phone:

I love her floofy butt in this photo.

There's just so many memories, I could type forever....but mainly - and I've said this for years and many of you have heard me say it.  I would say "I love Budha so much I feel like my heart physically can not hold any more love for her....and yet somehow every day I love her more".  Every day she gave me something new to be proud of, or she'd show me something new to appreciate. 

Fast forwarding. I never saw her age. Last summer we were still taking walks and hikes where she could easily run in an area like this:

I was always so proud of how she was aging.  Never a health concern, she was a vet's perfect patient.  :)  In December I sent out photo cards of Budha....I had wanted to for a while, and finally did.  In January, you may remember I wrote this blog, I was getting pretty concerned about her.  Even with just one episode....I knew.  I remember crying at work, not because I worried that I was going to lose her right then but because I knew - I knew right then that this was my last year with her.  When she recovered from that spell, she snuggled up with me on the couch (and had been snuggling a lot then) and I talked to her and I said "Budha if you ever give me anything more than you already have, you have to give me the promise that you will not leave me if I'm not here".  I didn't want to get a phone call that she was gone, I didn't want to be away, whenever it was to happen....I wanted to be with her....that's all I wanted.

In April, I had a very stressful day.  I came home at 5, put my pajamas on, popped a bag of popcorn, poured myself a drink and went to my room with Budha.  She was concerned, and showed it by getting closer and closer and closer....she loved her mama so much.

In May, a dear friend of mine who is a pet photographer (ahem....Sarah Beth Photography...ahem) offered to do a Joy Session with Budha.  I was flattered.  On Memorial weekend we went on our annual camping trip with human friends and dog friends.  She loved it.  She was so relaxed the whole time....I remember thinking "This is going to be my last camping trip with her".

Once Tom moved, if I had to leave town for any reason, even though I have almost always had perfectly competent roommates who love her, I like to send her to Mandy and Ken's.  She loved being there.  In fact....if anything ever happened to me....they would be her new family.  They would send me photos and updates of how she was doing....even if I was only gone overnight.  I love that.  Rewinding....the first time I had to leave Budha was in September 2007.  It was my best friend's wedding in North Carolina...I was so excited but I was terrified to leave her that long (5 days!).  When I landed in NC, I picked up my rental car and felt a pang of sadness wondering how Budha was doing...and that very moment I got a picture text from Tom.  Budha was eating something and the caption said "Budh Budh likes green beans!"  I loved it.  And I loved Tom for everything he did for her, and for me.  When I flew back in, my luggage broke in the middle of the MSP airport, and just at that moment, Tom texted me and said "Budha just got sprayed by a skunk".  Here is her tomato bath:

We went to Island Lake like always for the 4th of July....she was tuckered out.  A few days later she had a terrible episode.  It scared me because she wasn't able to walk at all without stumbling into things.  That night was the first night I ever slept on the couch.  She slept on the floor right by me and I didn't leave her side.  The next day she was like new.  She climbed up into bed with me at bedtime like normal...but then she did something.  For years I've always said "You'll never know how much I love you".  Well that night she climbed right up under my arm, with her head on my chest and looked into my eyes.  I swear it was like she said "Thank you for loving me so much".  She slept most of that night with her head on me:

**picture to come later**

Since then she's been so great.  We've been playing, and going on some of her newer favorite walks (Waterfront Trail) and she's been just by my side whenever she can be.

Something different started 2 weeks ago.  I think Budha knew the time was coming.  At night, even though she was with me on the bed, she would get down and walk over to me and stand there looking at me.  But she had food/water and didn't need to go out.  So I would just pet her until I fell asleep or until she walked away, whichever came first.  Another new thing.  For the last week she would not greet me at the door....I would come home and panic when she wasn't there.  Then I'd go upstairs and she'd be on the bed - just happy as could be, but every time I would leave the house, even just to run to the store - back upstairs she'd go.

She did everything I ever asked of her and more.  Over the last 7 or 8 months, I've always told her "You have to let me know if you need my help, I won't make a decision like that unless you tell me....and you're not allowed to leave me if I'm not here with you".

On Sunday we had the whole day together, and finished it up (as said) with a walk with our best pals.  When we got home, it was clear she was very sore and tired (she had a little stumble getting out of the car earlier in the day).  She was slow going upstairs, I put up the baby gate (which I only did on days when she was a little stubmly), and she jumped up onto the bed just fine.  I was proud of her.  My roommate shouted "Did she jump up on the bed" and said "Yep" and she said "Oh good!" - I just love Budha...and I felt happy that she wasn't too sore to get up there.  I got in bed and was playing on my phone, and Budha stood up....and without stepping, tripping, or stumbling....she just fell completely to the side and came crashing down on my legs.  I sat up and reached for her and she was shaking and panting....it scared her.  She tried getting up again and I held her as she couldn't support herself at all.  I got her off the bed and on a floor full of blankets.  After about 45 minutes I pounded on my other roommate's door and when he answered I said "I don't know what to do about Budha" - he came in and we looked her over, and he went downstairs to get a flat plate for food and water so she could get to it.  I got her settled in on the floor and I laid in my bed listening for her.  I heard her little collar jingle....and in only the 2 to 3 second it took for me to get to her, she had fallen with her back legs one way, her front legs the other and her head in the direction of her back legs.  I fixed her immediately and laid on the floor with her....my only thought - my ONLY thought at that time was "what if I hadn't been here?".  I stayed up with her throughout the night and each time she would try to move, I would have to catch her.....she would fall, often time face first, and I just couldn't imagine if I wasn't there to be catching her as I was....

At 3am she tried again, and again I caught her but this time I picked her up and laid her back on the bed.  I knew that if she was not better by morning...this was it.  I slid a sheet under her in case we had to get her moved.  she laid there for 3 hours sleeping, but her tongue was out, and her eyes were shut ....but tense...she was not comfortable, and her breathing was short and forceful and she exhaled through her nose.  At 6 or 7 am she woke up and I let her try one more time to stand...she fell over.  She laid there, with her head up....and looked at me....and let out a sad cry which I had never heard before and I said "okay baby".  I begged her - I begged her as she laid back down to just let go, and I think she wanted to.  she laid there with her short breaths and her head against my leg as I sat with her and comforted her. 

Mandy came over in the morning and drove Budha and I to the vet.  Budha wasn't scared...she just laid there on a blanket on the floor.  The vet said exactly what I was thinking "She could recover from this, but how far are you willing to let it go...I think she's ready".  And with that...I laid on the vet floor with her, nose to nose, and told her she made my life wonderful, and I thanked her for telling me she was ready, and in a soft voice I repeated "I love you, you gotta' trust me because I'm trusting you".  and she closed her eyes and relaxed....and away she went as I kissed her nose and stroked her cheek.  I said one final "bye baby girl, I love you" as I shut the door.

The picture above (as well as a few others) - while cute...they aren't "good pictures" - I know that my baby was hurting in that picture, and she just wanted mom.  I keep the pictures for those moments I wonder if I made the right decision.  Bottom line is even if she had recovered...I never ever wanted to see her go through what she dealt with that night again.  And if I was gone while something like this happened...I'd never forgive myself.  She should have nothing short of an amazing healthy happy life.

It's been tough.  It's been lonely.  Lonelier than I'd ever imagined.  I hope she's with her dad again.  I had a nice long talk with him about what a wonderful life she had, and what a wonderful life she gave me.  Be together again my loves.

Overdue Closure

January 2nd, 2007.  It was 10 pm when I called Jon to say "Good Night" and discuss our days.  It was Tuesday night and he was eating Chinese food, feeling good, and was preparing to spend the day with his parents the following day.  That Thursday he and Budha were going to come to my brand new house for dinner.  We said our "good nights" on the phone, and about 5 hours later, Jon passed away in his sleep.  January 3, 2007.

That was it.  We talked.  He was there.  Then he wasn't.  No warning, no indication (at least no obvious one).  Life was normal and then in moments, completely altered.  I never said goodbye....I never said anything with meaning, it was just a normal every day conversation....the end.

That was 5 1/2 years ago.  His dog is my dog now (all of friends/family/readers know this).  She is my world, and she is getting up there in age...almost 15!  This weekend was Memorial Weekend and as I've done for several years, I took Budha camping with some friends in Hayward, WI.  Yesterday I called Jon's brother (who lives nearby where we camp).  I was hoping to stop in and see him on our way back today, but the timing didn't line up. 

I didn't know until about a year ago...where Jon's family plot was.  He was cremated so there was no burial after his service.  Today was the first time I've ever visited the cemetery. 

Let me start by saying, I've moved on.  I loved Jon, and he will always be a part of who I am.  I don't wake up with that heavy feeling in my chest anymore and haven't for some time.  I think about him daily...but I don't dwell, or get sad, or wonder.  Sometimes a memory will sneak up on me that will make me tear up...but it's upon surprise.  Sometimes I'm a little upset when I can't remember a detail of his life, or of an event...but that's why I wrote 76 pages in the 3 months after his death.  I wanted every detail documented so if I ever did forget these things, I could look back and remember his story.  When a major life event happens I no longer think "I can't tell Jon about this, he's not here" - life has returned to normalcy ( a different normalcy, but still good).  But still...the one thing that really tugs at my heartstrings more than anything else...is Budha.  She was his life.  She is mine.  He knew that if anyone could love her as much as he did...it would be me. I didn't expect her to last until 12....and now here she is - in almost perfect health - and almost 15 years old.  I've done a great job with her.  But still....she's aging, her muscles are starting to go, she tires much faster than she used to.  She is not only the best part of my day, but she's a big part of what got me through losing him.  And I am who got her through it.  She's my link.  When I lose her, it will be painful, and they will both be gone.  While I still have a little time, and I'm doing my best to prepare for that...it's tough.

Today made things a little easier.  I found the cemetery.  The rain let up and skies opened to a beautiful blue as soon as I got there.  Jon's brother gave me perfect directions. I had to look through all the stones to find his, which was agonizing.  But once I found it, it seemed obvious that I should have went to that one first.  A huge beautiful granite headstone with an archway of ivy and berries surrounding it.  Of course, his family would not have settled for less.  I touched the archway and smiled recognizing the decorative details that could only have come from his beautiful mother.  I'd recognize her style anywhere.

Once I stood in front of his stone, I found myself unaware of what to do.  I felt out of place, as I know my beliefs differ from many others, and I wasn't even sure...I just didn't know what to do.  I've lost a lot of people in my life, but have never gone to visit a cemetery for closure.  I looked around a few times, feeling awkward, not knowing if I should talk out loud....I stood there awkwardly for a while, and cried more than I expected.  The stone listed the birthdates of his father, his mother, his brother, and himself.  The only death date (which is good) was Jon's.  The baby of the family.  To see that "etched in stone" did bring a sense of finality.  I did finally get comfortable talking to him a little.  There wasn't much to be said...but I wanted him to know all about Budha and how great she has been doing (meanwhile Budha was dancing around happily by me as if she knew she was in a "fun" place).  For a long time I felt guilt about not knowing something was wrong, and not encouraging him to go to the hospital to get checked out.  I have turned that guilt into something useful now, by telling the story, and helping others to understand not to take these warning signs for granted.  So while I stood there today, I no longer felt responsible for that...but as minor as it may seem, I apologized for a fight we had back in 2005.  We got through it back then, but I didn't realize until I grew up a little more (probably 2-3 years ago) that I was wrong.  Details aren't important but it lasted for several days, and he apologized....but today...I apologized.  A weight was lifted immediately.  I got to call him "Poopy" again.  It brought me a lot of joy to call him that stupid nickname (which is derived from nothing gross...I just said it to him once and it stuck).  And it was light.  Aside from the apology, it was emotional, but not necessarily in a bad way.  Budha sat pretty, and we left one of her treats there.  Before I walked away, I whispered to him a secret and while I couldn't literally hear him, in my mind I could hear his laugh and I know exactly how he'd respond if he could hear it.  And that's how I left.  That's how I always left Jon.  Whether we were in good moods, bad moods or otherwise, there was always an entertaining exit when one of us left a room, or hung up the phone.  It was like old times.  While I've felt good, it was still...an overdue closure.