30 Sucks, But Not as Much as 100 I Guess.

So...it happened.  I turned 30 about 4 weeks ago.  For the first couple weeks and several weeks beforehand, I was very emotional about it.  Then I started coming to terms with it and now this week it's kicking me in the face....but I'm determined to make excuses.

1. I've been going to bed by 9pm....but it's cold, and I've been going to the gym, and I had to recover from a cold. 

2. I got sick at 2:30 am the other night when I had been drinking earlier in the night.  THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN TO ME.  I NEVER get sick....but...in my defense, my friend who I was with said she hasn't felt right since and we both think maybe it was the tacos.  I certainly didn't feel drunk when I was sick....but it made me wonder "is it because I'm 30 now?"

3. Today it was VERY cold.  I came back from lunch and all was good when I got out of the car after lunch, but as soon as I walked in the building my finger hurt.  I kept pulling on it and trying to crack it because it felt like it was jammed.  Just then my coworker walked by and said "that's arthritis".  Then another one confirmed it.  It STILL hurts and actually hurts me even typing!

So this is crap.

Having said that, at least I'm not 100.  Budha is about 100 in dog years right now.  14 years, 3 months.  I don't know what has changed but very recently (2 weeks tops) she's really changed.  It started (and this still continues) with her walking to the side of my bed in the middle of the night and waking me up - like she does when she has to go potty.  I would get up and let her out and she'd look at me like "this isn't what I want" and we'd go back to bed and she'd do it again.  I thought it might be a bladder infection or something, but she's going to the bathroom just fine.  She also started sleeping RIGHT by me, which don't get me wrong - I LOVE this....but why the change? 

A couple years ago she was diagnosed with degenerative myelopathy, which is basically deteriorates the sheath around the nerves off the spinal chord.  BUT....she was almost 13 then and had virtually NO symptoms of this other then a very subtle foot drag sometimes when running.  The vet said it would only get worse, but honestly at her age...I didn't see her getting to the point where it would affect her much more. 

Well...in the past 6 months she does trip more often going up the stairs and very rarely she wouldn't be able to get up on the bed.  I got a rug for the floor at the foot of the bed so that helped her a lot.  Maybe once a week for the last couple months, she's been falling down, like her back end just tips over, and then she gets back up.  Well...yesterday, she fell a lot right away in the morning, then had an accident and I don't think she even knew until it was too late.  Then I put her out on her chain and she stumbled 3 times and then just gave up and sat on her butt. 

I was so devastasted by all this that yesterday was a very hard day for me.  Then I called my vet, you remember I wrote about him in this blog.  Well guess what...he moved...to NEW HAMPSHIRE!  :(

Ugh.  So last night she was much better and this morning she was much better though she was shivering a lot (indoors).  I covered her with a blanket and snuggled for a while.

When I got home she was very happy to see me and seemed normal, though my roommate said she was doing the jaw chattering a lot today (this is not her usual chatter but has only recently started....usually when she's really excited).  He said she was doing it and barking at him, until he pet her....and then she was fine.

I sat on the couch and she snuggled right up with me.  I covered her with a blanket, and she just snuggled right in, and let me pet her ears the entire time without being annoyed. 

RIGHT NOW...she looks great, she's laying down - comfortable, she got to have some waffle for a snack :) - she's had a great night....but I just feel it.  I really feel like she's getting ready to leave me.  She goes to the vet soon for her routine shots, and I'd like them to let me know what to expect...I know the nerve issue can't be fixed, but maybe they can help with some of my other questions. 

It's been a hard couple days for me to watch her....some may not even see anything wrong - but I know.  Like a mother knows her child, I know this baby girl...and deep down I just feel like she knows.  I don't want to be right about that.  And I'll know more after the vet - she's been really good tonight, maybe she has another year in her.....I would hope so!  But....only if it's a good year.  If it's a year full of falling down and shaking...I won't do that to her.  So...let's hope for some good news and good days ahead. 

I love this dog.  She is literally the most important thing I own, I think about her non-stop, and she was Jon's dog...once she is gone, I've lost them both.  I know I will survive it, but it will not be easy.  Losing a pet is never easy.  She's been with me 1/3 of my life. 

One thing I know I won't regret is that she is the most loved dog I've ever seen.  I love her more and more every day and I don't know how that's possible.  Tom, JoEllen, Mandy, Ken, Erin, Colin, she has SO many friends....both human and pups.

I feel like this is a goodbye blog and it ISN'T.  She is doing just fine, but I know that the time is coming.  Whether a month from now or a year from now, she's at the stage where it causes concern for me...more than I have ever felt.

For now, I just really want her to keep the feeling in those legs like she has been tonight.  That is my biggest concern. 

I didn't mean for this blog to be depressing....she isn't going anywhere quite yet, but - she trusts me with her entire self.  I protected her at the dog park one time and she followed me the WHOLE day.  I play rough with her and she knows...she knows I will not ever hurt her....if things get bad enough (and we certainly are not there yet), I know she will trust me.  And I will trust her to let me know.

I love love love my baby girl.  I hope to have a long time with her still.  I will not even put a picture in this blog, because then it seems even sadder.  BUT....I'll write an update when I know more.

Until then....snuggles galore.  :)  Okay here's a picture anyway cause she's damn cute.