Thanksgiving in April

The other day I was talking with a good friend about holidays. One thing we agreed on was that it can be frustrating to celebrate Valentine's Day and Thanksgiving Day, etc... when really people should honor and respect the ones they love, and be thankful for what they have every day, not just one day a year. Not to say that people don't love every day, but do they appreciate? Some do.

As I've said before, and I've even blogged about - I get SUCKED into TLC programs. Last night I was watching "Mermaid Girl" about a girl who was born w/ her legs fused together. This little was 8 years old with multiple health problems and she was such a happy child, she giggled like a little girl, but she spoke like a 20 year old. It was the same way I felt when I saw "A Face for Marleigh" - here we are griping about so many things in our lives, eating badly and groaning about our bodies, not having any money, and spending it on stupid things, etc...and then we see people like this little girl. This girl who is so happy just to be alive - and grateful for all the good things in her life, while she has this giant obstacle...and many of us take all the good for granted and stress over what we CAN change.

So for this blog - I'm throwin out a lot of names. Names of people I am thankful for. BUT - do not be offended if I do not mention you, I could never fit all names in a blog like this - not in a lifetime, but trust me - if we are in contact, then you've had an impact.

Where to start. I guess I'll start with:

Jon: This is a big one. They say "everything happens for a reason". Well until my dying day, I will not be able to understand how anyone can be taken from their parents and brother. But I've come to terms with possible reasons you were taken from me. You REALLY - pushed me all the miles I thought I didn't have in me. You may me speak my mind, inspired me to fight for I feel - even if it was against you, knocked me down a few notches when I got too ahead of myself, and talked me up when I got down. You helped me to understand just how strong I really am, and helped me to get there (as well as many others). I'm thankful to have had the years I had with you. And while I miss you every day, your butterfly is flyin' high.

Julia: Oh Julia. My BFF. Sometimes I think "how the hell did we become friends?" Couple party girls joined together by "Vera". Next thing you know were sliding down some stairs at a party, hanging out, man.... it was like two girls who never shared any personal stories...found that person to share them with. And it's evolved into a friendship I not only won't forget, but won't ever lose. We've been though pretty much all of it. I am thankful for someone who has given me confidence in myself, and who has helped through times that I thought I would truly never get through, and for the girl that I can laugh my ass off with EVERY single time we talk. There is never an awkward silence with us. (well maybe when you do the scary make out face) You know more about me than any person on this earth. I'm thankful for all of our times we've had and will continue to have.

Jamie: I knew the second I met Jamie and she gave me a timid smile and "hello" that we were going to be friends. For Jamie I am thankful for her insight, her creativity, and for her genuine self. I may bring this up a few times, but it was a tough time, and a lot of people really helped out. Jamie...I have probably a hundred emails from 2007 where I just had to bounce off what was happening, and there you were....with some of your words of wisdom that always calmed me down. I thank you for that. I thank you for your creative ways that are just fun to be around! And I am thankful for our wine nights. No outer distractions of kids/partying/work...just a bottle (or 2) and good ass conversation.

Mandy: Mandy, Mandy, Mandy....I knew right away when we met at softball that I liked ya. I knew at our after softball Mr D's gatherings that we'd be friends. And I knew at the street dance of '06 w/ you and Ken that there was a good friendship. I can't even put my finger on it to this day but I tell everyone that you and Ken are just "good people". You are fun to do anything with even though I lose most of the time, I am thankful that you don't rub it in my face - hahahaha!!! I am thankful that Budha is so close to you both and loves your house. :) I am thankful every day that we all met. (though I still think this maki/henrickson thing is some sort of cult). :)

Mandi: Mandi with an "i". I must have great taste in people because I usually know right off the bat when someone is going to be good. :) I remember talking with you in the breakroom all the time and always thinking "I think she and I probably have a lot in common" - and though it was pretty foggy - I do remember the Christmas party where the friendship evolved. That sounds weird. :) I miss living by you. I miss working with you. But I'm so happy we still keep in touch. I think about this often...Mandi, you have no idea how much it meant to me that you attended the funeral with me. And it was a time where - I didn't really know what was going on, all I knew was it was something I needed to do - that was without question. I didn't ask anyone to go. I was just kind of...in a cloud....And there you were, right by my side - though it could not have been an easy time at all with all you were dealing with at the time...everything. And there you were. To this day, it amazes me that you did that. You may not think it was a big deal. But it was. I'll never forget that.

Katie: Katie B. I'm still pissed that you girls never got written up for all the things you did in that dorm room. :) I don't keep in touch with a lot of people from the UMD days aside from Julia and Brent really....but you...I miss our 56 cent Mondays. Sometimes I just think "wow, we've really grown up". Katie, I just have to thank you for being you. You never once have acted like anything but yourself. You have always been such an easy person to talk to, to laugh with, to be stupid with, and to catch up with. I'm thankful that we got so close over the years, and I'm thankful that we still manage to make visits - even if for only a minute (and it is SOOOO my turn I know!!!)

Brent: Oh Brentus. Again, this is my turn to visit too. I'm really slackin' on my travelin' lately. Brent you frustrate me like no one else, and I can't stand the way you tickle me or tie my arms in knots or trap me in blankets, in fact I hate it...but damn you make me feel like a kid. :) I'm thankful for all the all nighters we used to pull doing nerdy things like playing monopoly or doing those puzzle book things. I'm thankful for Memorial weekend last year when we had a GREAT time - (I'm also thankful that that weekend taught me a major lesson for 2008).

As I write this I keep thinking of people; friends and family, and the list just keeps growing. Again, if you're not on here - don't think I'm not thinking of you.

Mom: My mom drives me crazy. I love my mom. She's never been the real warm 'motherly' type who makes you soup when you're sick, or talks you up when you have a bad day. In fact she usually says "what do you want me to do about it?" and it pisses me off. But when it really counts, she knows. Whether it be an illness, or a true heartache, there's no question. She was there. When I was in the hospital she was there nearly the whole time, she bit off doctor's heads to get me better, and she bit off my head to get better. And I did. There have only been 2 times in my life that I remember REALLY deeply NEEDING my mom. When I was sick, and when Jon passed. And she was here right away the next morning, and she stayed until Julia got here. I wasn't fun to be around. I wouldn't eat. I wouldn't talk. How could I share those kinds of details with my mom? But it didn't matter. She was there.

Tom: What a great roommate. I mean really. "Everybody Loves Tom" - for real. I may not always like his damn cats, but he's a great roommate, a great friend, fun to be around, and I am thankful for someone who appreciates a good 'That's what she said', speaking in doubles, and enjoying a good "waaa". :) You're not allowed to move. I'm putting my foot down.

Stephanie: Another great roommate! And I'm not just putting this one on because I already wrote about Tom. I'm thankful to have met her for mutiple reasons. Stephanie, not only is a great roommate, but is a "bright side" looker. I'm always interested by the books she's reading. Books about healthier lives, and the meaning of life, and just "well being!" And the one thing I remember and it sticks with me. When I first met Stephanie and we started hanging out - I was finally getting back to myself. I'd always been a happy bubbly person, then I fell off the face of the earth for a while, then I partied for a solid year, then I started finding my roots and when we met. She said to me one night "I love being around you; you're such a positive person" - and that really hit home. I realized at that moment I was finally getting back to my true self and it felt awesome!

Jerry: This one is a little tougher to explain because even he won't understand it. But I know a couple people do. Jerry was a big step for me in a lot of ways. He turned a mindset I have had for 13 years completely around. No details to be disclosed right here but it was a big deal to me, and has made me a better person. I'm thankful have spent the time with him and actually built a nice friendship out of the deal. I've thought a lot about moving. I'm thankful for the fact that watching Jerry in his transition....is helping me to open my mind to obstacles I may not have thought about otherwise. That is not to say that I am thankful that he has those hurdles. :( I guess overall, this one is kind of personal. But I'm just thankful for the way he made me feel.

Eric B: You always have a smile on your face! I can't remember the name of the game we used to play here - it was like Blango or something - Plako - I don't know. Some card game. I don't know. Anyway - I remembered when we were at the shoe a couple weeks ago - just how nice it is to be around YOU!!! You're like Tom - everyone freaking likes you. You're funny, a smartass if a fun kind of way, and just generally a happy, peppy person. I'm thankful for the positive people like you in my life!

Erin & Colin: I put you two together because I met you together. You're a trip. i couldn't have survived that crazy ass apartment building without you. From the banging on the pipes, to the front yard barbeques, to the sponges stuck to my ass, and Colin chasing me with a plunger and wiping out. All good times. And to think...this beautiful friendship evolved because we both had to always hide from the neighbor. I'm thankful for all the fun times I always have with you guys, and I'm always thankful (even though i may have never said it) for that day trip to the cities back then. That was a tough day...but I needed it, and you knew it.

Jen: Jeez....3rd grade. I am thankful for our "stories" that gave me the creative mind I have today...wow. I think it's truly amazing that we still keep in touch after all this time. I know there was a dry spell for a few years, but now look at us....we've actually seen each other a couple times and we even try to make plans!!!! I'm very thankful that we found each other again!!

Mary Jo: That's right - this one's to your mama, Jen! For all the hell Jen and I caused when were bratty kids....I am thankful that you still always made me feel welcome (when we weren't grounded..hahahaha!!!) No really, to this day, I always have felt like part of the family when I'm with you guys. Even years later. :)

Karen: Oh my. Who knew that my bosses from my high school job could be such terrific friends! In fact just last night, I had a dream that we all went on another vacation together and you and I were hammered. hahahaha! Oh Karen and your notes, and Rick and his remarks...how did I stay working there for so long!? JK. It was great. I am thankful that I am fortunate enough to have such strong relationships like that. I started out with a job, then got some great friends, then got a babysitting gig, and now...now that little girl is 6 years older than I was when I met you!!!!!!! Isn't that scary!!!!! I remember when she said "When I get over 70 pounds, dad's not going to carry me anymore". I'm thankful to have the friendship, the memories, and the chance to watch 'lil Sarah grow up.

Jessica: My sister. She's a trooper. We grew up in separate houses, didn't really talk that much, didn't have a lot in common....and then one day - she drove up here....and you know what? We actually do have things in common! We couldn't look ANY different - and it's hilarious - but I think we are quite the comical team! We've gotten pretty close in the last couple years and I love it. I'm thankful that we do things together now - whether it be a hockey game, going to the gym, getting pedicures, dancing, or sitting on the couch doing nothing. It just seems to work out for us.

Todd: I'm putting this on here because it's something I really have to tell myself every day. Todd as a friend and as a boss has said to me "sometimes we need to just take a step back". I think about this a lot. I sometimes fail at it, but I'm trying anyway! :) I'm thankful that our friendship doesn't affect our work, and our work doesn't affect our friendship. And I'm thankful for the steps back...sometimes I need to see a bigger picture before making a decision or a statement, not just at work...but in general. In fact tonight I was upset over something trivial....which is when I did take a "step back" and look where it got me. In a novel!!!!!!

To end this, I will not end with a name, but with events:

I am thankful for getting kicked out of UMD and failing multiple classes at LSC for my first couple years. Why? How else would I have learned? Ironic isn't it? I could get myself a COUPLE nice cars for what I owe in student loans. Nah - back then I was a young dumb student who didn't withdraw from classes - I just quit going. Where did it get me? Well it got me to work really hard and eventually I made the Dean's list and graduated. It got me so in debt that I actually learned from it. It took years to pull my GPA back up. If someone else had paid for my schooling, I don't think I would have learned the lesson I did.

I'm thankful for the crappy way 2001 ended. Tragic end to some friendships, really just bad. But - 2002 kicked off with a whole new outlook. A move out east and a fresh start. The further you get away the clearer your hindsight becomes.

I'm thankful that I have 2 jobs (even though I don't WANT 2 jobs) - I feel grateful, considering at a time like this, I should be lucky to even have one.

I'm thankful that my finances make me cry at least once a week. I'm not in foreclosure, I have transportation, a roof over my head, and food in my cupboards. I need to remember that. And things will get better.

I'm pretty much thankful for everything I have, and how I got these things. Now that this blog is over, because my hands are cramping up, I am realizing that yeah - it's a little over the top, but sometimes it needs to be said. You can't tell everyone every day what they mean to you. But stop and reflect sometimes. It does a body/mind/soul good.

Oh...and I'm thankful for Family Guy.

Going Toward the Light!

I've been really struggling throughout the winter w/ my bills, taxes, and just finances in general. Just when I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and said "Wow - by April 10th, everything will be good again!", I got a $470 bill. Then just when I said "Okay but then, wow! By May 8th I will be all caught up" then I hit a snag with my taxes. Now today I got hit with ANOTHER $422 bill - which I'm hoping I can actually get removed if I play my cards right. But DAMN! Everytime I see that light at the end of the tunnel, someone spins me around and tries to push me in the other direction!!!! I NEED TO GET TO THAT LIGHT!!!!!!!!!!

But I realize though that I've made some pretty good sacrafices - and am continuing to do so.

• I quit getting my nails done. I love having them done - it's one of those "treat yourself" things. But at $40-60 a month....Can't do it. I miss it....it's been....5 months.
• Carpool. Doesn't always work out - but Stephanie and I try to alternate weeks for driving to work. It helps a ton.
• Picked up a second job. Does not pay well AT ALL!!! But for now, at least it's a little cushion.
• Spreadsheet: I have a spreadsheet where I track literally every cent that I spend - and what I spend it on. From my mortgage pmt to the .50 Diet Cokes I drink at work every day. It's amazing to see all the unnecessary expenses that I was oblivious too.
• Bars: Sometimes I may still get a little crazy, but overall....I don't spend much (NOTHING LIKE I DID LAST YEAR) on going out. I go to Horseshoes almost every Friday night now if I'm looking for something fun to do. $1 taps and .50 pool. Can't go wrong.
• Groceries: I'm slummin it. I'm actually buying regularly at the Save-A-Lot. But you know - today I got 4 bags of groceries (plastic) - and only spent $39.16. It isn't a classy place but there are some great deals. Still have to go to the regular grocery stores for some certain things....but not much!
• Cooking in bulk: I'm trying to cook 4 or 5 servings at a time...and freeze. It's much easier to grab from the freezer for lunches before work, than it is to prepare something or give up and go out for lunch.
• Credit Cards. A couple months ago, I cut up a couple credit cards. It's helped a ton - amazing how fast the balances drop when you don't use them! Tonight....I cut up another. This one was a tough one....but it NEEDED to be done.

I know it's gonna' get better.....it's sooo close! I'm so damn close - it's literally "2 steps forward, 1 back" and I don't want those backwards steps! I can see that light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm running out of breath trying to chase it!!! *sigh*. But I will do it. I need to keep realizing that - 3 months ago I was in tears thinking "what am I going to do??! I can't live like this" to "only a few more weeks to go, and I'll be alright". That's a pretty giant step in a short amount of time. I know it won't be like this forever. And once I'm caught up here....my remaining balances on things can get lowered faster. For that I am excited, and for that I will remain optimistic and keep striving. I'm so close. It's gonna be a tight month - maybe even 2 months - but it's worth it. So if I am canceling any plans in the near future, or not up for doing dinner/drinks/movies/whatever....don't forget about me. Just understand I need to be disciplined and get this done. Striving for the light!

3 years past 3 years future

February was a terrible month for me this year. Seasonal Affective Disorder hit hard!!! Well...it wasn't completely the weather. One day I had a surprise breakdown in the breakroom at work with a coworker. It started with me saying "I need a vacation" and then next thing I knew I had completely burst into tears. Was it work related...not really. It was just so many things going on where I COULDN'T work - I cried multiple times a day at my desk and I have NEVER been this way. I said to my friend, "I'm in a complete opposite place from where I was last year at this time. Last year I didn't know who I was or what I wanted, and I just partied my ass off. This year I know who I am, I know what I want and I can't have anything" - it sounded dramatic but I really was in a bad place. I was trying so hard to get where I wanted to be and I just road block after road block. My friend said to me "yes, but look at how far you've come in that one year and think about where you will be in another year". It was a great point. And things have gotten much better. I did take a little time off to myself and just kind of breathe for a while. That helped, and now the snow is gone and the sun is coming out and outdoor activities are starting again, so I'm doing well.

I started thinking about my friend's statement again today. I started thinking about what has happened in the last 3 years....and where I'd like to be in the next 3 years.

So...in the last 3 years...what a ride. 3 years ago, I still had my same job, but I only knew about 20% of what I know now. I had ended a relationship that needed to end, but remained friends. Jon was a best friend, a mentor, he was truly my every day . I became an aunti to my best firiend's child. I became an aunti to my brother's child. I bought my house. I did. All by myself. A few days later Jon passed away. Who cared about a house at that point? Who cared about anything? That was without a doubt, the hardest thing I have ever been through....it didn't last a day, it didn't last a month...how long did it last? I'll tell you when it's over. But I dealt. Even though all I wanted to do was go to work, come home and go to bed...I jumped back into the game and graduated from college. I took on new projects at my work, I started some remodel projects at home (I'll let you know when that's over too - hahaha!), I went to NC to be my best friend's maid of honor. My work sent me to Portland (just for a day) but I was flattered to be asked, I met SO many new friends that I'm thankful for in so many ways. I went to Salt Lake and visited my grandmother whom I have not heard from in....about 7 or 8 years, I went to New York....I really came a long way and crammed in a lot of things. When I look back on that, especially through the hardest part, I am amazed at how I pulled through and the things I have done.

Now to look ahead to the next few years.

Three years from now. 2012. Wow. I would like to have the house to myself in 3 years. Let me rephrase that. I would like to be able to comfortably afford my house to myself in 3 years. I love my roommates - they are fantastic. But I am excited to make a little office and have the spare room set up for guests. Not anytime soon though - so Tom if you are reading this - don't you leave me! :) I would like to have a new title at my work. Maybe I won't be in Duluth - I don't know. I've given myself a year to find out if I still feel the need to wander. I will have taken at least one road trip - that will take place in the next few months. :) I will have replaced the windows in the bedrooms, you know what? Just now I'm realizing that I don't want to make these plans. When I looked back on the previous 3 years, I was very happy to see what I had done....not what I didn't do. Maybe that's a better way to look at. Strive forward, but look back!!! Yep. I think I like this.

Okay, so apparently this blog took an entirely different turn from its original destination, but...I think I like where it's taking me.