WARNING!

Recently something caught my eye on my friend/coworker's desk.  It was a yellow warning sign with a magnetic dude whom you could position in different "warning" positions.  As if this wasn't fun enough, Alex of course took it a step further with some additional props.  The following works of art are done by none other than Alex Koivisto himself.  Enjoy. 

Sumo Wrestler

Fire Breather

Spontaneous Human Combustion

Headshot

Attack!

Killer Rabbit

And my personal favorite...

Bazooka Sharpie

Enjoy your weekend everyone!



Nelly Narla

For my loyal Facebook stalkers, you may recall that just over a week ago, I “liked” this little girl from www.petfinder.com.
 

Well, I don’t know why I fell in love with her but I did.  It’s no secret that Budha is the joy in my every day, and she is getting up there in years; I will not get another dog while I have her.  A cat, maybe...but Budha gets all my dog-loving attention/affection.  So I “liked” Nelly Narla and carried on with my Sunday. 

On Monday I was still thinking about her a little and wondering who could resist that face.  She’s a German Shepherd/Rottweiler mix. 

On Tuesday I was really thinking about her, and how I wanted someone to take her home – why this dog?  I don’t know – she just stuck with me.  So I happened to be in our downstairs break room at work (where I usually am not) and a colleague came in with whom I generally have minimal contact as we are in 2 very different areas of the company, and as he poured his coffee, I said “Do you want a dog?”.  He looked at me and said “Yes, but we’re not ready.  Why?”  So I told him this silly story of how I was looking on PetFinder and now couldn’t get this pup (she’s 1 yr old) out of my head.  He listened and agreed to look at her photo as he was ready to head out of the break room.  When I pulled her up online he gasped and said “Is she a Rotti?”  I said “She’s a German Shepherd/Rotti mix”.  Then he tells me that he’s really been looking at Rottweilers and his wife has grown up with German Shepherd mixes.  He was pretty excited about it so I sent him the link for her. 

On Saturday they drove over an hour away to take a look at her, and now Nelly has a happy new home with a very loving family.

I AM...the best matchmaker ever.

Maybe I'll try to own 2012 instead....

Last year I remember saying "2011 is going to be my year.  I will own it"

Well...truth is, no one can ever PLAN to have a good year.  But as long as you don't EXPECT a bad one, and don't just think it's going to happen on it's own...well...then you're at least on sane ground I suppose.  So 2011 thus far brought me deaths, the move of Tom, the move of the kitties, a tragic loss of a new kitty, and some expenses/stresses I never saw coming.  It's barely October.  3 months to go until this year is over.

It wasn't a bad year, but certainly not at all what I had planned.  We cannot plan our happiness.  BUT...we can plan the events that lead to our happiness.  

I've done a lot of reflecting over the last....well....I don't know.  I think I've been doing it for a while.

Sometimes, we make mistakes.  Might be something as small as "I shouldn't have eaten that".  Could be something a little bigger such as "I really should have used that money toward this bill" or it could be something big enough that just shouldn't be mentioned here.  Regardless, we can't dwell on them...just accept these things and move forward.  It's whether or not we learn from these mistakes that build who we are.  Some mistakes I have made dozens of times, and then...finally I get tired of it, and I learn.  Other times, it only needs once.

My point is...I'm going to be 30 in less than 3 months.  I don't want to hear any "you'll love it" or "30 is the new 20" - because it's not really where I'm going with this.  My point is that I'm almost 30 and there are some things that I had hoped would be different by now....and they aren't.  Some of those things are out of my control, but guess what?  Not everything is.

I've already made 2 plans for the winter to finish the base moulding and the fluted moulding in the living room.  This weekend I will be painting one of the bedrooms and tearing up the carpet.  I'm hauling a truckload of junk to the dump, and I'm finally cutting down that bastard tree that keeps scraping the side of my house outside the bathroom.  I've started my gym routine again, I'm going to go to bed earlier, I'm not going to drink vodka tonics if I already have a buzz, I'm going to make it every priority to get 2 bills paid OFF by January 1st, and then use that extra money toward other bills. 

Guess what?  My car will probably have problems, my heat bills will probably get out of control, something will be emotionally damaging - that's just what happens.  BUT...I will get through it, and I will keep pushing forward, and I will keep striving for these goals to get where I want to be.  I'm not going to wait until 2012, so forget the title of this blog.  I start now. 

Don't wish me luck.  Wish me strength. 

Sometimes we look at our lives and we see all the BIG things that need changing.  But sometimes we look at it wrong.  It's much easier if we focus on the little things, that bring the "BIG" ones down to a manageable size, or better yet, make them disappear. 

Since I recently watched Bridesmaids, and this classic 1990 song seems appropriate, I will leave you with this - laugh if you will...deep down...you know you love it  :)  :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIbXvaE39wM

Jeeves and Cruella

To protect the names of those involved, I shall name these 2...Jeeves and Cruella.

I have this roommate, Jeeves, who is great. When he first moved in, everything was wonderful. We got along instantly, liked doing a lot of the same activities, he was super clean, just...good to be around. Then in May he started dating Cruella. I remember it was just before Memorial Week. She was here 3 nights in a row. I didn't think too much of it, I mean...they had JUST met! It's not like she was living here. (am I laying on the foreshadowing a little too thick?)

I went camping for a few days over Memorial Weekend. When I came back, she was still here...and so was a bunch of her crap. Hmmmmm....

A couple weeks later I had a talk with Jeeves. I really had no problem with Cruella, but...it needed to be said that she didn't live there. He informed me that she had just moved out of her place, and was house-sitting for the summer. I understood, I told him I didn't mind if she was over, and I didn't mind if she was here a few nights a week...but it was looking like she was living here. Here is a tidbit that must be known. Jeeves is 31. Cruella, a very naive 21. Regardless of age though, as I said - I had no problem with her, just with the fact that it's not fair that he pays rent (as does my other roommate) and there's a 4th person here all the time.

So it got better for about 3 days...and that was it. Summer has been very busy, and I've not had ANY moments with Jeeves alone since to talk about this. Meanwhile in the back of my mind, I'm wondering why he agrees to do everything for this girl who has a part time low paying job (not in school....but only works part time...hmmmm).

SO...about a month ago, I told him something had to change. Either she was going to start paying the utilities (which would be pretty damn cheap rent), or she needed to get her own place, or they were both going to have to go.

Here's where Jeeves and Cruella show their true crazy. He talks to her, and she wants to move in with him - to their own place. WHAT?! How is she going to do that with the job she has? Who moves in together after 3 months?!?! So I tell him "As a roommate/landlord - you do whatever you need to do to fix this situation. As a friend I'm telling you - this is a REAL bad idea".

Since that time, they've been getting drunk every single night (which then results into unintentional loud door shutting and stumbling at 2am) and is disturbing me....especially because one of them doesn't LIVE THERE!

Here's the best part. He doesn't want to move in with her - he doesn't want to move at all. He knows it's too fast, but he doesn't want to break up.

Yes, I'm telling you all about his personal life (well not the stuff that shouldn't be said....but the stuff I told him I'd tell everyone).

They were fighting all the time. One time we were in a public place, and he made a comment about how she calls in sick a lot ( to her really stressful part time job) and she turned into a 4 year old "I do no-oooottt") - it was ear piercing. When he didn't respond the whining, Cruella shot laser beams into his skull and her voice became....*shivers* demon like. She was over the top angry - looked like she was going to stab him if she could have. WELL - that same night she talked TO ME about the ultimatum I have Jeeves. She apologized and said she never meant to take advantage. I told her "I know you didn't mean to, and it's nothing personal, but...it's not fair to everyone in the house, etc..." She offered an amount that she could give me for the next month while they look for a place. I told her I'd look over the bills and get back to her (when she was more sober too).

The next night I didn't stay at home because I was dog sitting. It was about 8pm when I saw Cruella leave my house as I was also leaving. Apparently Jeeves was sleeping and she wanted to go do something. Well...the next day I see Jeeves. He says that he fell asleep the night before, and guess how many times she called him...because she doesn't have a key...BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T LIVE THERE. Everyone guess. Are you guessing. 10? 20? 30???

217 times. 217 MISSED CALLS!!!!

Does your face look like this?

I saw the call log.  It went like this:

10:42

10:42

10:43

10:44

10:44

10:44

10:45

...

Right there I said "Jeeves, something is NOT right - that is obsessive".  My favorite comment was from a friend who reacted "Oh my - she needs to go....to Miller Dwan!"  Yes.  This is not normal behavior.  If someone died, I would not call that many times....it's hard to even fathom it.  Cruella dialed and dialed until her phone went dead.

Fast forward.  No wait...rewind.  Remember when I said she agreed to put money toward some bills?  Well I gave her the amount (HALF of what she agreed to pay) - haven't seen a penny of that yet. 

Okay now fast forward.  Oy - mama needs a drink.  One moment please....

Ahhhh better.  *lip smack*

Where was I...oh yes....fast forward.  Their situation had been annoying me to no end.  They look at places they fight they fight they fight, they get drunk, they fight, they go to bed.  Then one week ago last Thursday, I woke up at 2:13 am startled.  Cruella and Jeeves were outside in my front yard fighting.  Now Jeeves was barely heard - I heard mumbles of him trying to calm her down.  "You don't love me!  Waaaa Waaaaa"  He tries to calm her down by saying something to the effect of "let's just go to bed...do you see what you're doing here, do you see what's happening..."  And she responds with "I don't want to F***ing lay down, I'm going to f***ing lay in the f***ing street and f***ing wait for a f***ing car to f***ing run me over!" 

I almost did it.  I almost got my keys.  We all would have slept a lot better had a just done it.

I wanted to yell at the window that she needed to quiet down, but at this point I am COMPLETELY convinced that she is off her "f***ing" rocker and figured she would respond with a rock from my garden right through the window.  About 45 minutes later, they went to bed...but I stayed awake angry for 2 more hours.  This is MY HOUSE.

The next day I told ...whoa...almost used the real name...had to delete (like most of you don't already know this story - and yeah Jeeves, this is about you).  I told Jeeves that since he had to leave for 2 weeks (guards) the next day, that she could stay that night...and after that she is no longer allowed in my house.  NO ONE - comes to MY house where they do NOT live, and creates a white trash COPS style fight like that.  It was absolutely disgusting!  You wanna' know what the fight was about.  She was going to miss him while he was at guards (understood) and didn't want to stay at her parents' house.  WAAAAAAAAAA

How about this?  Get a job, get some responsibility, and quit being a freeloading CRUELLA!

So at this point - I no longer hold back.  This is personal.  I tell Jeeves he's an idiot for wanting to move in with this crazy girl, and his response is "I don't have any other choice - this is a nightmare - I don't want to".  Then why???  OH - AND he tells me that she had threatened to jump out of his moving vehicle....AGAIN.  AGAIN????  Oy.



Ahhhh *lip smack* mama likey.

Then he tells me about how she's ready to jump into every apartment they see.  At one point he said "but this place has no laundry".  A sane adult would have said "Okay we'll keep looking" or "We can just go to the laundromat" or SOMETHING.  Instead - she freaks out and screams at him that she's lived without it before and they don't need it.  Whoa....settle down Cruella CrazyPants.

Just a reminder....217 times!

So I have a sit-down talk with Jeeves.  I said I don't ever get involved but he needs to help me understand why they are still together if he's so miserable and she's so crazy...mean.  The conversation went like this

Me:  "Why are you with her?"
Jeeves:  "She has some good qualities"
Me:  "Like what?  Tell me so I understand"
Jeeves:  "She puts up with my shit"
Me:  "YOUR SHIT?  She works part time, you drive her places when she runs out of gas, you are letting her live her - which is messing up your friendship with me, you pay for her to go out and have 21 yr old fun, you can't GO TO THE BATHROOM without her walking in...and SHE puts up with YOU?"

I proceeded to tell him that if he really wants to better a certain part of his life (which will not be printed here) - having her in the picture is going to ruin all his chances and he should understand why.  I also mentioned to him "what happens what that beater car of hers breaks when you're living together?  Who's co-signing?  What if you get deployed...who's taking over the bills?  I could see it sinking in, as Cruella called him and he picked up the phone and said "What's up baby baby?"  I knew right then - he's going to bow down to her forever.

This is why.

I finally got this out of him - and now I DO understand - but he DOES need to grow a pair.  He flat out said it "I'm 31....my family wants me to settle down - I don't want to do this dating bs anymore".  Now I understand.  I'm almost 30 - I've almost settled twice - trying to convince myself of how it "could" work.  But still - they might be okay - if they just slow down.  Moving in together should be a happy occasion, and they drink and fight every day now.  This isn't normal.  I'm trying to make him see that.  And he DOES appreciate the comments.  Believe me I wouldn't write about my pal unless they knew I was going to do it.  And he knows.  I even recorded someones reaction to the 217 calls and played it back for him.  I'm not even saying they need to break up....but they way they are fighting, they need to slow down.  I don't know if it's simply the age difference, or if Cruella is really just this crazy...but here's what I know.  Since he has been at guards - my house has been happy and clean, no Cruella hair in the drain, no 47 beer bottles in the recycling (or bedrooms or living room), and I've been sleeping.  I also know that I wish he could stay, and find either a nice girl, or get this one to calm down.   Hmph.  So....any advice for Jeeves, please post.  He knows it's coming.  Like I said - I would NEVER gripe online about personal issues of others...if it wasn't announced ahead of time.  :)

Jeeves, I do this because I care....you sign a lease...you're screwed man.  My advice.  Give her a timeline.  She gets a full time job and holds it for 6 months - flip - even 3 months!!  - then see where it goes.  She's got to be able to support herself first before expecting others to jump in and play the daddy role.  Ouch - yeah that's right I said.  Peace out brotha'  *thumps chest twice - gives peace sign*

Title Fury....and Online Dating

I’ve wanted to write this blog all week...but I’ve really been stuck on the title because what I wanted it to be is – well – inappropriate. I surely don’t want to offend my readers based on the title of the blog, but at the same time – I think it’s hilarious and appropriate and I want to use it. So...for those of you who know me well enough to know that I really do not generally post offensive material, and you have read thus far in hopes to find out what I wanted to title this – here it is:

“Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Don’t be a Snatch”

I wonder how many people just left the page. Well, in any case – here’s why that song parody came into my head. Online dating, the wave of the future? No, it’s the present. It’s everywhere. It’s been around for over a decade. I go on and off dating streaks, and lately have been off....but...ready to be back on. I’ve used the free sites, I’ve used the pay sites. For anyone who is interested but doesn’t know where to start, here is a list and my “professional” reviews of them. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

www.eharmony.com – okay actually I can’t remember this one. I think I tried it out once years ago, but as you can see.....it was not memorable....and I don’t think I met anyone from it. (this is pay site)
www.okcupid.com – Has a great mobile app – and it’s a free service. The downfall for this site is the compatibility “tests” which are generated by other users, and can be downright inappropriate questions, and I think actually may hurt their (site owner’s) reputation. I met 2 men on this site, both nice guys, but...
www.plentyoffish.com – I think this is a pretty good site for a free site. I’ve met a few fantastic people on this site. A couple I am still very good friends with. Does that mean because we didn’t settle down and get married that it didn’t “work out”? No. If nothing else – dating is a journey. You know what you’re looking for, but as with anything else in life....appreciate what you see along the way. Maybe you’ll learn something about other people, or about yourself. Maybe you’ll make new friends, and if you never see the person again – who cares – big deal. I sidetracked. It’s what I do. Anyway – not a bad site.
www.match.com – This is a pay site....but it is pretty good and very popular. I have met a couple people on here. Very decent people.

So.....a few weeks ago I decided to actually get back on match.com - which was actually really dumb of me to do now (playing volleyball 3 nights a week, dinner night one night a week, organizing a fundraiser, rearranging living situation, having company, taking on new tasks at work.....NO TIME). Regardless, I go to the gym 4-5 days per week. So I answered one of my questions that way. Well, now all my “matches” are these well sculpted athletes. Let’s get something straight here Match, because I DO go to the gym that often, does not mean I, myself, am a well sculpted machine, nor does it mean that I am looking for model/bodybuilder partner. It means, that I go because I need to, and do I care if a potential mate does? No – he should care about himself, but please – stop intimidating me with all these supermodels.

That’s really it....I thought I’d have more to say but what a shock, I ran out of time.

Ring of Fear

When someone close to us passes away, we do strange things. It’s human nature to hold on to something – even once you think you’ve let go. For me...I bought a ring. It’s Jon’s birthstone (which also is my favorite gemstone) with 2 small diamonds representing my soul and my strength. Engraved on the inside are the words “My Every Day”. Why? Because I was literally with him every single day. Even on those days when we could not see each other, there was a phone call. Even after he passed away, he was there every day. To THIS very day, I don’t pine over his memory often, but I think of him often. I think of what he would think if he saw this, what he would say if he knew that, how he inspired me to be who I am, etc... It doesn’t make me sad often anymore, but....he still exists in my heart. Does that mean I have not moved on? Absolutely not. It just means he was a big part of my life.

Now, at the time I wore this ring on my left ring finger because – it was sentimental (AND...because it fits that finger best). I never thought people would mistake it for an engagement ring – it’s Amethyst....

In any case, I still love this ring, I still love the look of it, and I don’t have to look at the words to know the meaning. It is not like a tattoo of a name, it’s a symbol of how I got to where I am. THAT is what it truly represents.

That was a long history to explain “the ring”. Now....to the point (always takes me a little while to get there, but I feel the background is sometimes necessary). One day at the gym, my workout buddy Marcus and I were talking about dating. The last year has been semi rough for me on the dating scene. And for a while I didn’t care, because I didn’t really have the time anyway...? Then after a few days Marcus points at my hand and says “that’s why you’re dating life sucks”. I immediately got defensive and said “Shut up, that’s been there for years (which did not help my case) and I like it there and I’m not moving it”. He knows when to stop – and he did. That was a couple months ago though and I’m still mulling it over.

I know that there have been a few times where a less than respectable....let me rephrase that. I know that there have been a few times when a less than sober person has approached me at a bar, started talking and then has noticeably looked at the ring and either walked away or say “are you married?” And at those times – it’s easier to say “yes” than “No, but you’re drunk and annoying me so let’s not fight about this or put me on the spot to say something which in return you’ll either feel bad or call me a bitch, and neither of us want either of things to happen....” So yes, maybe sometimes it may look like I’m attached because I do where it there, and maybe sometimes I like that. But now I wonder....what IF there really are some respectable men out there....who do see the ring, and are respectful enough not to even approach because of it. Could this actually be working against me, a ring that has NO resemblance to an engagement ring?

“Why not just move the ring to another damn finger” – says the readers. Well, I think I am okay with moving away from that finger as I no longer feel the need to “latch on”....however....it is the only finger it fits (yes, for real). And to get it resized, will mean having to re-engrave it, and I’d like to just keep the same crooked words I have if possible.

Now on one hand (no pun intended), it could just flat out be that I am not gauging any interest (no – don’t feel pity in that statement – it’s just a statement), on the other hand (pun intended) – could it be this ring shooting “married woman laser beams” into the eyes of [looking for a creative word]....ummm....men?

So, I don’t know how many guys read my blog – I am guessing very few, but to any man who is reading this blog, answer this: If you are/were single, and you see a woman with a ring on her left ring finger (a ring of any sort....well...maybe not a ring pop), would you immediately retreat? Do you automatically even look for a ring? (I know I do).

29 Going on 92

I do not think 29 is old. I do not think 35 is old. I do not think 45 is old....honestly, I think whatever age you are, “old” is at least 30 years after that. When you’re 10, 40 is old. When you’re 20, 50 is old, when you’re 30, 60 is old...and so on.

29? Please. I’m young....but am getting challenged by the younger every single day.

When I was a kid, a song would come on and within the first 2 notes I would say “Mom, do you like this song?” She would reply “Sabrina, I don’t even know what it is yet.” I did. I knew every word of every song and could point it out in a second.

Now, it takes me until a song is almost over before I remember that I even knew it.

I used to watch a movie, and remember it almost word for word. A lot of people (especially males it seems) can still do this. I can’t. If it’s good enough that I’ve watched it several times, then I can. Most of the time, I don’t remember anything about the movie within 30 minutes its end. Sigh....

To stop myself from rambling, I will try to get to the point.

I now have a 20 year old roommate – with a puppy. She’s great...but I don’t think I ever realized what a difference there really was. When I first met her she reminded me so much of my friend Kasha. Kasha and I were really close from ages 18-20, before she moved. What I’m realizing now, is even though she reminds me so much of 20 yr old Kasha....I....am not 20 anymore. A lot of things that she does or says – I look at with confusion for a moment, and then I think back to the summer Julia and I spent in Fredericksburg....that was 20’s style living. Play drinking games, don’t come home at night, didn’t pick up after ourselves....now Julia and I have grown past that....but I live with the reminder.

It reminds me of that Sex and the City episode where Carrie wakes up in a 20-something’s apartment. It’s an eye opener.

Yesterday I decided to get a part time job. Again. Other times it has been to make ends meet, or to pay off a new sewer, etc...This time – it’s because I’m getting to the age where roommates are getting tough. Do I like them? Yes. Are they fun to be around? Yes. Do I miss the feeling of ownership of my own house/space/things? Yes. If I’m annoyed about a mess, I want it to be my mess. If irritated with a full garbage can, I want it to be my full garbage can. If I want to park in front of my house, I want MY car to be the one in that spot. It’s nothing pointed at any person for any one reason (thought there are certainly some issues as expected when having roommates), but....lately – I feel like I’ve been playing mom. Do I want kids? Yes. But not like this.

So I think my main reason for this “feeling old” – was not so much that I feel I can’t do the things I used to....but that I have no desire to. When my 20 yr old roommate said to me “What do you mean you’re not going out tonight, its Friday.....” and then followed up with “Wanna drink tonight?” – I realized how things change. When you’re over 21 – there’s really not a “wanna drink tonight?” conversation. At 29 – I either drink or I don’t. Maybe I’ll have one drink and call it good, maybe I’ll have 12, maybe I’ll have water....there’s no plan – you just do what you do. At 29 – on a Friday night, maybe I’ll have friends over for a nice dinner, a couple glasses of wine, maybe I’ll go to my usual bar and drink one or 7 and play cribbage with a friend for 1 hour or 4 who knows. Maybe I’ll come home and go to bed early enjoying the night alone with my pup. The one thing I do NOT enjoy – is going “out” out anymore. I do not enjoy going out and watching a bunch of young girls dolled up to the max with an equal group of Abercrombie (if that’s even popular anymore...?) dudes (did I really just say “dudes”?) having loud competitions with themselves.

On the contrary, I did go “out” with some of these young ones a couple weeks ago. “Just come out, it’s Saturday night” I was told. I looked at my other roommate who is 31, and we agreed that we would be the old ones (in comparison to the others that were going) that would go out for just a couple and come home. Well...instead....I ran into an old flame. I haven’t talked to this person in 2 years, and there was a reason for it. At the same time, I haven’t had a date in.....7 months (ouch! I just counted that out!). We rekindled the spark for most of the evening even though, even after several drinks....I knew deep down why I stopped speaking to him. At the very end of the night my 20 yr old roommate said “are you taking him home?” My 20 yr old self wouldn’t have batted an eye. Of course I would have. Instead....I looked at his buddy and said “are you okay to drive him home?”. That was that. As I told my best friend the next morning “I guess I’m ready for a grown up relationship”. I’m at the age where I still like to act a fool sometimes, and I still play sports, and I am still a social butterfly, but....I also want a clean house, my bills paid, time to read books, and if I wake up next to someone, I expect it to be long term. That night proved to me that physically I felt 20....but on a level of maturity....92! (I exaggerate...this will not change).

Last night I was talking to my mom on the phone and I told her my plan for a part time job. She said “if you follow through with this, you’ll be working every single day”. I said “Like I’ve never done that before?” She said “When?” I was annoyed at this point because for a long time I worked 2 or 3 jobs (several of you can vouch for this). I said to her “Do you really not remember when I worked a 127 day stretch?” She said “When?” “When I was 20” I responded.

“You’re not 20 anymore” said the slap in the face.

Ugh. So....this is true. I think, especially having a desk job 40 hrs/wk....she is probably right about that. I’m still going to get one, but maybe I will change my availability a little to give myself some time to relax....maybe I’ll take up knitting.

Right or Wrong - I don't know....

So as you all know, I've had a very emotional week after surrending Yogi to the shelter on Saturday. I was so upset, I went to bed at 8pm that night...and woke up on Sunday feeling a huge pit in my stomach. I was just devastated. I went up to Animal Allies that day, once I could calmly talk without bursting into tears. I talked with the vet there who was wonderful. I gave her all of the documented information that I had given to the previous vet I saw. She said that Yogi had attacked his tail the previous night and they bandaged it and he had left it alone since then. I didn't get my hopes up because that was only 3 or 4 hours. She said she would talk to the nuerologist on Monday and she'd call me to inform me of any information.

Well...Monday went by and it was a tough day. Tuesday...I did a little better. I would still get sad when missing those little things like - how he would always be in front of the bathroom door when I opened it. But overall...I held together pretty well. Then I woke up this morning. For whatever reason it felt like Day 1 again. I was just heartbroken. I just kept picturing him in that little cage. :(

Well....I spoke with the vet at the shelter today. The neurologist had not called her back yet, but she said since it had been bandaged...he hadn't touched it at all. She said since she hadn't really done much and he seemed okay - just laying there leaving his tail alone - that I could come up and reclaim him if I chose to.

Well hell yeah I chose to!!!!!

I got up there and was so happy to bring him home! I walked in and Budha's face was right up in the kitty carrier, her tail just wagging away. Yogi came out, ran upstairs for a minute, then went down to the basement to make sure all his stuff was still there, and it was. I haven't even entered the basement since he left.

So...here's the issue. I know he's not "better". I've seen the look on his face when he's looked at his tail a few times tonight, and he's also trying (so far unsuccessfully) to get the bandage off. So here is my plan:

I love this cat dearly. It was exceptionally hard for me to give him up because I was so worried about how he would handle being up there. Well...I'm certain he's not as happy as when he's here, with a house to roam, a dog to love, and a mom to snuggle. Having said that, I'm also very happy with the good care they gave him. Oh yeah - the plan:

So was it the right thing to do, bringing him back? I don't know. I'm going to give it another month. I'm going to keep his tail bandaged, and if I need to (which I probably will) I'll take him up to the vet that she recommended and get her advice. If things don't improve, or if this cannot be controlled, then I will have to give him up...for real. I'm going to help him as much as I can and hope to see some improvement. If he does not improve, well...I know that emotionally...I CAN give him up...and now that I've seen how well they care for him, while I won't be happy about it...I will be able to handle it if he needs more care than I can give him. It makes me sad to say that, but I have to be realistic. I physically cannot monitor a cat 24/7, which is why it is important to find the cause of this...

So Yogi, I missed you tons, and I'm so happy to see your happy little face...I would like to see it for years to come...so lets work together on this Yogie Ogie---Oooo.

For now, it's bedtime, let's snuggle. :)

Out of My Mind - and Damn it Felt Good

My mind is always always always going. Ask anyone. I'm always trying to figure something out, whether it be bills, projects, work, my behavior, - I my WHEELS are always turning.

In turn...when times are tough, the wheels spin harder and faster, and sometimes I just can't get answers. Well - often times I can't get answers, but during stressful times, this makes me fall hard. I try to sleep, I can't - I go for drives, I walk, I exercise, I drink, I write, I take all sorts of routes to try and develop a plan to fix the situations at hand.

Well...over the last couple months, mostly May...I was at my end. And then...I went camping.

I can honestly say I can't think of another time in at least the last 2 years, when I haven't had my mind on SOMETHING. Always trying to fix something, or if there is nothing to fix, trying to improve something.

Friday afternoon I pulled up to Mandy and Ken's camper, unloaded my stuff, got Budha out of the car...and everything vanished. For 3 days - I did not have a concern in the world. The only thoughts I had were about whatever I was doing at that very moment (roasting hot dogs, walking the pups, playing games, etc...) Nothing over the top exciting happened....it was truly like leaving one world to enter a brand new one. I loved it.

Of course now that I'm back...the wheels are turning again, but how nice just to give it a rest for a bit.

Mandy, Ken, Amanda, Nick, Henry, Sammy, Budha, Jig, Sniper, thanks for a great weekend.

Out of the Woodwork....Come Some of the Kindest Souls

Today....I fully prepared to have a blog titled "R.I.P. Baby Yogi". Earlier this month, I had to surrender Yogi because of his self-mutilating behavior. The shelter was very accomodating, and knew that this absolutely broke my heart. That day, my very dear friends, Mandy and Ken, went to breakfast with me...talked to me about how I did everything I could, and even contacted the shelter for me. Mandy went with me to hand him over as he clung to me. I haven't cried that hard in years. She stayed strong - and was there for me...for something that was certainly not a fun occasion.

5 days later, I spoke with the vet at the shelter and she informed me that since being on the meds, and having his tail bandaged, that Yogi had shown no interest in his tail. I could reclaim him if I wanted to. I did. Within 45 minutes of having him home, I knew it wasn't permanent...I could still see the behavior. I was down...I was up...I was nervous...I was on edge. He was pretty drugged for about 5 days, not the same cat, pulling at his fur at the base of the bandage, but not attacking. I missed his medicine for less than 2 days, and he was chasing it again...I immediately got his meds going again at a higher dose...11 days later....he is still more aggressive than ever. Last week I made an appt with the shelter to surrender him again. As the next couple days went on...I knew I couldn't do it. I couldn't send him back there, though they are a fantastic organization, I couldn't see him possibly get adopted while still having this problem...if the staff there couldn't see it.

ugh...On Friday a coworker whom I barely know, emailed me asking about him. We chatted, and then she offered this enourmous outpouring of support. She even offered to pay to put him down if I needed to, and to come with me if I needed someone. I was stunned. Here was a woman I've met a total of 15 times in 7 years, and she was reaching out with all this spport for me, and for my kitty.

After several nights of less than 2 hours of sleep a night, monitoring Yogi, I made the call to put him down today. He exhausts himself by hurting himself...and I can't even explain what that's like to see.

Everyone has been so supportive, and also...everyone knew it was time that I had to cut the ties...I haven't been myself, I'm tired, I'm depressed...I'm miserable.

Today...was the day of his euthenasia appointment. Yesterday at work I felt sick wondering if I was doing the right thing. Last night - I left him for 25 minutes when I went to the store, when I came back - his tail was so bloody - that for the first time, I couldn't even pick him up - because it made me sick to my stomach. :( I knew it had to be done. I cried for a long time today preparing for this.

I drove all the way out to his vet. When I got there, the receptionist said "I'm so sorry you're going through this, come on back". When I entered the room - I expected to see a normal clean exam room, and instead there was a nice blanket laid out on the table - and a box of tissues. She gave me a minute with Yogi. It felt like an eternity but was probably 5 minutes. I cried my eyes out as he snuggled under my chin scared. I told him I was sorry, and that I did everything I could, and that his tail wouldn't hurt him anymore and he'd be happier. And of course - that I love him.

The tech came in and said "we pulled a few strings...and spoke with the shelter - they are willing to take him back if you'd rather do that"

---------------emotional----------------------roller coaster------------

I didn't want that. It wasn't their fault - they were trying to do the right thing and help everyone in the situation. I was upset...making peace with losing him, and then this...she got the vet (who is my usual vet) to come in and talk. He came in and fell in love with Yogi and his beautiful blue eyes. I told him that I had nothing against the shelter, but that this was a pretty severe case...and he needed to be monitored a lot...and basically have some one on one care to get this figured out. I can't do it. :( I WISH I could say I had all the money to do this but I don't anymore. I am not emotionally or financially equipped for trial and error of things that may or may not work. I couldn't...I couldn't take him home AGAIN - and do this all over again. :(

Then...my vet (who shall remain nameless) said:

"What if I took him?"

Through choking on my tears, I caught my breath and said "Like...to your home?" He said "yes, I understand your position, this is very hard to see him do this, and can be quite expensive to find a solution that works, and he does need contant care until we find that solution" Then he said "I've seen this behavior before and have successfully treated it, I would happily take him into my home and try some things if you'll let me".

While on one hand - I felt like jumping off a bridge because I need closure with this - I need for me to stop worrying, and for him to be better - on the other hand...I knew that this was a great solution. He will foster him and he said if he is 100% sure that Yogi is better, he knows a circle of people that he trusts would adopt him and be able to give him the meds needed (if needed), and if he can't...well then there is the alternative where I was today.

While it was still very VERY hard for me to be up and down and up and down, and grieve and take it back - rip my heart out....I gave him a few last kisses....and left him with my vet.

I feel better than I've felt in a long time. There is some sadness that he is not here. There is some sadness that....I've essentially given him up AGAIN...and while I don't know what animals think/feel...I hope he knows that I did this because I DO love him, and I know I can't help anymore. :(

I know that my vet will give him the attention he deserves. I could see it in his face. I wish I would have seen him in the first place, but last time it was so urgent I had to see whomever was available. No use crying over spilled milk though...

In any case, Mandy, Ken, Brian, Lisa, Nick, Amanda, Lee Ann, my vet, and abosolutely everyone who has just...just been there for me during all of this. I appreciate you all more than you know. I hope I can return the kindness you've all shown to me.

And Yogi, I love you baby kit...I wish you a healthy, happy stress-free life...get better sweetheart. You're in great hands.

Yogi "Perogi" Blue

Today I made you purr
As you made me cry.
You’ve brought such love and joy
And you didn’t have to try.

When Tom and the kitties moved
Budha was all alone
It broke my heart to see her sad
So I brought you to our home.

When I first held you in my arms
...well...you drooled on me.
But it was because you were over excited
Cute and adorable; weird as that may be.

I don’t know what to do for you
To help the disorder in your mind.
I’ve looked everywhere for answers
But there is no cure I can find.

I don’t know what to do baby kit
you’re so full of life and love
Unfortunately there seems no solution
But it doesn’t seem fair to send you above.

You’re not even 3 years old
And physically in great health
But this condition in your brain
Is causing you to hurt yourself.

I wish I knew how to help you
Every day my heart is breaking
I’ve only had you for 2 months
And what a bond we’ve all been making.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote the beginning of this 3 days ago
That night you were so much worse
I completely broke down, I didn’t know how
To save you from this curse.

That night and the next morning
I smothered you with love
Knowing I had to let you go
Nothing left that I could think of.

I brought you to the shelter
I was so upset I couldn’t breathe
When I tried to hand you over
You turned and clung to me.

There is a constant lump in my throat
And empty hole in my chest
But I’m happy that they’re looking for a cure
And believe me they are trying their best.

I don’t know if this was the right thing
But I know they’re caring for you
And if I can help you, I’ll fight to get you back
No matter what I have to do.

Maybe this isn’t in your head
And something is physically wrong...
Maybe I should have been more patient
But was scared to wait too long.

I’ll do anything to get you back
If I know I can get you well
But seeing you hurt and not having you
Are both equal kinds of Hell.

Budha wonders where you are
Her brother kit she misses.
She loved you from the start;
Those sweet little headbutt kisses.

I hope you can return to me
And I’ll know how I can help you
But no matter what you need to know
How much I love you, Yogi Blue.

Catastrophe...or as Grandpa Don used to say "CatsAssTrophe"

This is the story of my life as of the past 50 days as a cat owner.

On March 7th I took a quick glance at petfinder as I so often did (note the past tense "did"). I would pick out dogs and cats that caught my heart, show them to others and then carry on with my day. Until this adorable light orange blue eyed cat caught my attention.

Let me start by saying - I'm not a cat person. I'm a dog lover. Everyone who knows me knows that Budha is the core of my life. I loved Ziggy and Woogy, and they are certainly missed, but still...a dog person. When Budha was depressed when Tom and the cats moved I contemplated getting a cat for her (so she wouldn't be alone as much). The idea was there, but never the plan.

Okay back to the adorable light orange blue eyed cat who caught my attention. I show him to my friend, Jamie. She comes over and says "Angus? That's a stupid name, what would you name him?" I stared at the picture and then responded with a smile "Yogi".

Crap. I named it.

The next thing I knew I was at the animal shelter, looking at his little face. He was so happy he was drooling, I opened the cage, and walked right out into my arms. I said "Yogi, would you like to come home with me?" The next day (March 9th) I brought Budha to the shelter to meet Yogi, and make sure the cat was okay with her. We sat in the little room, put Yogi down, and he instantly ran over to Budha and gave her a big headbutt kiss.

The first night, he got into the ceiling tiles in the basement. He was a filthy mess when he got down. I realized he had gotten up there through a cupboard door I keep open in the winter (to circulate warm air to the pipes). I closed the door. No more dirty kitty.

Everything was wonderful! There was a week or two adjustment where Budha and Yogi had to learn how to go down the stairs in the morning without feeling threatened by each other, but they learned. Everything was wonderful for a solid month.

I failed to mention that when I got Yogi from the shelter, they informed me that he was on dewormer, and gave me one more dose to give him.

Yogi has been such a joy to have around. He is the BEST snuggler, and my favorite thing...when I put my arms out to pick him up, he reaches up to me with his front legs like a child wanting to go "uppy". It's adorable.

The second week in April I realized that, gross, he still had worms. I was so disgusted I raced him to the vet. They gave him one final dose (even after the one I gave him) of the yellow stuff for roundworm, and then an injection for tapeworm. They said he was in perfect health otherwise. That was a Friday. Friday, April 8th.

That Sunday, April 10th, I was in my bedroom getting ready to go to the gym. Yogi and Budha (whom I sometimes call Yoga and Booty :) ) came in. Yogi went under my bed, and suddenly it sounded like a full blown catfight! I waited until it sounded safe, and looked under my bed. There he was laying there stressed out, not purring, pupils huge. I took him out of there, and I checked him over and saw nothing wrong. I assumed maybe a bug bit him, or perhaps he pinched his tail or fur or something in the bed frame. Within the next 5 minutes I watched him run from his tail and I thought "What are you doing, Freak?" I picked him up, looked him over again - nothing out of the ordinary. Then I watched him run around under the dining room table, as if he was trying to shake something off of him - like he had a mousetrap on his tail or something. Then...he completely attacked his own tail, howling, growling, hissing aggressively. When he stopped, I noticed his tail looked wet. I followed him downstairs and saw that his tail was bloody. :(

It broke my heart - I had just seen my poor cat do this to himself. We snuggled that day, by night he was cleaning up his tail, and while still bothered, he seemed to get better over the next few days (tail still injured...but not attacking it anymore).

Sigh.

The last several weeks Yogi has been sleeping in the basement at night during the week, otherwise he wakes me up repeatedly between 3-4 am while he's being mischevious. On weekends he is allowed to sleep upstairs again, when there are more hours and not so early wake up times.

Within the last few days, I've watched him hiss at his tail a few times, and it's been stressing me out because I don't know why he's doing it. I honestly thought he had gotten battery acid on it after the first attack. Apparently that was not the case. Last Sunday morning I came downstairs, looked at Yogi and said "why are your feet dirty?" I went downstairs and sure enough, he had gotten that cupboard door open and had been wandering in the ceiling tiles again. Gross. Monday morning I came downstairs and HEARD him in the ceiling tiles. I went downstairs...the cupboard door was closed. Then I heard him above the basement shower, I called for him and he squeezed his body into the thin feret-like lanky shape, and slithered between a ceiling tile and the basement window. He is a crafty, agile little sucker.

Yesterday, Wednesday, his tail was really bothering him. I would like to think that he's just being stupid - but something is truly bothering him, his tail twitches, he gets low to the ground, runs away, ears are back - he just looks miserable (oh yeah - it's not fleas either).

This morning my roommate went in the basement to get his laundry, and then Yogi came up to my room. He walked in and there it was, a bloody mess of a tail. :( I did not take a picture this time, and be glad I didn't. I really really did a number on it. I went to work, called the vet - even they think this is strange but we all thought it was probably anxiety and I told them I had been researching Feliway (which is generally used for cats spraying in the house, but had read reviews about it helping "self aggression". I spend $40 on it....doesn't work. :( Not for this anyway. Talked to the vet again and made an appointment for Monday at 3:00. They said it's possible he has a swollen oil gland, or maybe he's having an allergic reaction, so it may be a while STILL before getting to the root of this. :( I spent most of the day keeping him wrapped in a blanket so he'd ignore the tail.

Well this blog certainly is getting long. I've been researching as much as I can about this. Then I decided to look by breed. Before anyone gets excited, I still don't have an answer. Yogi is a Flame point Siamese/Domestic mix. I looked at Siamese cats and found that they are prone to food allergies. I DID change Yogi's food...but after the first attack, I changed it again...I would hate to put him back on Science Diet and pay for it - OY! - but it may be worth it.

I also found that Siamese cats will follow you everywhere, always want to be the center of attention, love food, love to snuggle as often as possible, and will answer you when you talk to them. It was neat to read that because even though Yogi is a mix, it fits him to a T. "fits him to a T" - what does that mean? Anyway, he does - every room I enter, there he is. When I leave the bathroom - he's right there by the door. That made me wonder if the nighttime basement routine was stressing him out. The first attack, however, happened after a night where he was in my room. He always wants to eat, is all over me ALL the time, and when I talk to him he does look at me and always answers. :)

As far as this household is concerned, he is the greatest addition. Budha loves him, and he loves everyone. But this tail thing has to stop. He hurts himself so badly, he's in severe distress about it, it makes me sad, and I feel so helpless. Today for a moment I thought "I might have to give him up if I can't help him". But then what? He'd be worse being "left". Plus - what if the new people can't help him either, then what? So that is not an option.

Anyway, this blog was to share a little of "Yogi" and the joy he's brought...and the sadness that is felt by not being able to cure him yet. Here's hoping for less eyeliner/mascara teary smudged eyes and more snuggles for happy reasons.

Do Good, Feel Good

Today...I am busy, lazy, good, bad, and rollin with it.

Last week was very busy for me, and this week will be busier. Yesterday it looked like a craft fair and a restaurant duked it out and then puked all over my dining room and kitchen. I think I got in bed last night just in time for my muscles to completely give out on me. Today, I have a lot of laundry to do, a bedromm to clean (not happening), the living room, dining room, and kitchen to clean. At least those rooms are done.

I've been doing so well on my 100 day challenge, and now this weekend I've really gone downhill. I'm not sure why - I honestly think I've exhausted myself to the point of not trying. BUT...I did still go to the gym though I didn't work as hard. Tomorrow I will be right back to working as hard as I was on day one! I'm looking forward to that.

JoEllen said to me one day "It's weird how when you do what you're supposed to be doing, things work out". It seemed obvious at the time, but really...it is weird. I've been reflecting on this a lot.

When you're doing something you're not supposed to do (not necessarily bad, but not in your favor), it seems as though every outside event becomes a consequence. You decide to splurge on something expensive that you know you shouldn't...and then a major expense is needed, you sluff off at work, and then get a giant project putting you more behind, you eat badly, and suddenly realize you can't afford new cloths (ahem okay that one was personal), you sit down to dink around on the computer and watch the Wild game instead of finishing the laundry, and the Red Wings score their third goal (okay that was personal too...).

Lately, I've been good...and good things are happening. I haven't been spending, haven't been eating bad, haven't really been drinking, haven't been staying up late, I've been putting more into my work, I've been helping out others, I've been HAPPY. And...suddenly I spot a cat on the internet, and now he's sleeping by me, I have good things going on at work, while the tunnel is still long for getting "comfortable" financially...I can at least see it, things are just kind of falling into place. I'll accept that. And aside from good new things, maybe this is due to the change of seasons, but I'm in appreciation of all the little things.
1. Old friends
2. New friends
3. Things that kids say.
4. Budha's sneezes.
5. My heatlth
6. Friends' and Familys' health.
7. Yogi's snuggles
8. Freedom to play sports, have dinners, and other after work activities
9. Marcus willing to go to the gym with me early in the morning. :)
10. Learning how to balance stresses, and pushing through the tough times.

So it's 6:00 and I'd like to start watching the Simpson's in 1 hour which means if I want to continue my lazy Sunday in 1 hour, I better go spend the next hour actually doing something. Booo.

Sucked into iCarly, 54 minutes to be productive. Here's to a more disciplined week ahead. :)

"The time to hesitate is through" - Jim Morrison

In January I said "2011 is going to be my year. I will own it." I'll be honest, I didn't know what that meant at the time, but I knew that I meant it. At the time, I knew I was going to start a side business, and that I would use that extra income to feel more comfortable in my life. That's all I knew. And you know....2011 started very rocky. January and February did their best to knock me out...but...I dealt with it. What else was I supposed to do?

So - through all the struggles of the first two months, I knew there was something bigger going on (unintended pun will be clear soon). I felt unhappy - I didn't want to do much, and the more I didn't want to do much - the unhappier I felt. For anyone who knows me, you'll understand that I am not an unhappy person. I was tired every afternoon, and at first I was just chalking it up to my job, or maybe my living situation, or money issues.... then on February 27th, I decided that I really wanted to take "ANOTHER" stab at getting healthy. I figured I would take it slow and set a generous timeline. I said that I would start a 1oo day/30 lb challenge starting the next day, February 28th. So I did. And within a week only...I felt like everything changed. I felt better....not just healthier, but overall better. I have energy every day - all day. I feel better at work, I can think clearer, I have more energy after work, I have a better attitude. The best part is, it hasn't really been that hard. Each morning I get up at 5:50 and go to the gym. When I get bored w/ my workout, or when I realize it's not as hard as it was when I started, I switch it up a bit. Other than that - I'm just eating healthy - actually very healthy. Egg whites consume most of my day, but with the right spices, they are very good. It's been 28 days, and I'm down 20 lbs. I've never lost more than 16 at a time, so I feel pretty good and I'm inspired to keep it going.

Today was the first day that I felt....mmm.....not as alive and zippy as I have been since I started. For the first time, I didn't eat as healthy - not bad - just not good - and I feel like I just don't have the energy. I did go to the gym this morning, and other than that....pretty much nothing. It's made me feel bad, but...maybe my body is just saying I need to give it a rest. So while I feel kind of blah - I'm just going to accept it, and start a new day tomorrow to continue the last 10 pounds. :) Well...the last for this challenge, then on to the next 100 day/30 lb challenge.

Onto other news, the Tastefully Simple business is going well. I'm not looking for a full time gig, but...just enough to - feel better. So far so good. I have my first expo event this Saturday at the Heritage Center for the Docs vs. Jocks event to support the SMDC Foundation. I'm a little nervous, but more excited.

Roommates....I miss Tom. We still keep in touch though, and can't wait until I get the chance to visit. JoEllen moved - well basically yesterday. :( But she will be visiting often, and that will be nice, and Budha will certainly love it. :)

Yogi. Yogi Blue moved in about 3 weeks ago. He's a very good kitty, though he gets a little wild at night sometimes. He and Budha are doing pretty well. We haven't had any spats in about a week. so I think they are pretty used to each other now. So things are going well. A new roommate moved in today, and I think he'll work out just fine. He's already taken a liking to the pets, which makes me feel better about someone being around them when I'm not. Swimming starts next week, and in about 5 weeks volleyball starts. I think I've got a good grip on this year, and if so....I hope to keep that same grip on the rest of my life. :) I should make a little extra w/ the business, save a little more without going to lunch, and drinking less. I feel better, I'm happy with the new cat, I'm happy that my clothes can start feeling better, maybe 29 isn't such a bad age. Now, my beautiful dog is staring at me...I'm getting sleepy, but am looking forward to the week ahead...and I feel ready. Just in general....I feel ready.

To the remainder of 2011, bring it.

"All You Need is Love"

I want to explain something. Maybe I’m explaining it to myself. For most of my life, my family consisted of my mother’s side, and my adoptive father’s side. While I knew of my biological father’s side…I only met them briefly when I was 18. 18 is too young to understand life and love. At the time, I was grateful to have met the people I did, but I wasn’t old enough to appreciate the details.

Throughout my life, I’ve watched a lot of people leave this earth; I almost left myself once with collapsed lungs. I’ve had a lot of struggles but nothing compared to January 3rd, 2007. That was the day when the man I loved most, didn’t wake up. Nothing seemed real. Nothing slowed down. This was different from any other hurt I had felt, deeper than any sadness. I didn’t know how to survive it…but…I did.

I’ve learned something from it. I’ve learned that I don’t care who you are, I don’t wish that agony on you – on anyone. I try to dedicate my time to help people through grief. That’s what got me through it. Just having people to talk to, having people around…is a comfort. But having people around who have been through it, though it can be painful, it also provides a hope. Seeing that life can be good again – is a promise worth fighting for.

I don’t feel sorry for myself anymore. My life is what it is. It consists of a lot of struggles, and I don’t know why. But…it is what it is, and what is important is that I make the most of it. And I enjoy it.

A few years ago, I received a call from my biological grandma. She’s always been such a sweet woman. I don’t know how she found me, but somehow she did. That summer, I booked a flight out there to see her. She was so welcoming, and while I was a little nervous, she was just…your sweet little grandma, making breakfast and looking at me just happy to see me. I made it a point to visit her again the next summer. That time….I left there with a heavy feeling in my heart. She has had such a journey in life. Every item in her lovely home has a story. Every picture, a feeling. At the time she was 85….and her memory is better than mine has ever been. I remember how grateful I felt to be a part of her life again, and how sad I felt that it took this long. I felt like I had missed out on so much…

In 2010, several circumstances prevented me from being able to visit that summer. My grandma said in her tone that made it impossible to say no to “it sure would be nice if you could come for Christmas and I wouldn’t be all alone”. Come on….how do you say no to that!?!?

So why not? In October, she informed me that that her son Jim (my uncle) and his wife Peggy had moved out there to spend the winter with her. She told me that their kids (Jimmy and Jamie) would also be there for Christmas. I have not seen Jimmy since I was 2 years old. I met Jamie once when I was 18. I love people, and I’m not shy. I was nervous though, barging in on an already existing family….how awkward.

Then….the day came when I got to Utah. Jimmy’s girlfriend, Dyanne whom I’ve never met picked me up at the airport. No nerves. We talked the entire way back – separated by a surfboard between us so we couldn’t even really see each other. I got there, and my Uncle Jim came out to greet me, next I saw Jimmy and we gave a hello hug. When I walked in, I saw the joy of my grandma’s smile, the glow in my aunt Peggy’s face….and there was Jamie, all grown up into a gorgeous woman. After our hellos they banished me to the laundry room to wrap presents, and when I came out – there it was….a family I had never known, no fears, no awkward moment, it was like I had been there all along. I keep looking at the pictures over Christmas, and thinking and remembering what a wonderful time I had. I didn’t want it to end.

The family I grew up with, I love dearly. They raised me to be the strong, independent person that I am today. I often wonder how things would have been if things had turned out differently…what if I had grown up with the California family….well….one thing is for certain I would have been loved just the same. So while some people look at my family situation and feel sorry (I myself used to) – I feel blessed.

One day while during that Christmas vacation, I started to feel kind of sad wondering about my biological dad. I didn’t know much about his life, and I felt sad that I was there with the family – with his family – and he was not there. I know that years ago he made a choice that was hard for people to understand (myself included). I pulled Uncle Jim aside and I asked him if he had been invited for Christmas, and if he thought he was happy. He told me about how there was an adjustment period at first for everyone, but the family is very accepting of everyone, and that the love never changed or ceased to exist. He said that he and Peggy do not judge anyone, and that is most definitely true. This Christmas was for my grandma and the grandkids, he said. He and Peggy just happened to be there.

The presents Jim wrapped were amazing. He used white tissue paper, and then with some thistles and weeds he found in the yard, he died them in food coloring and attached them to the presents – it was truly beautiful. He even wrapped a present for Jimmy in wire. Jimmy is so stubborn. He wouldn’t use the tins nips (who would have though one would need tin snips to get a Christmas present open), but sure as shit – he got it open. My aunt Peggy made a delicious and BEAUTIFUL pumpkin cheesecake for my birthday.

The night before I left, Uncle Jim brought down his guitar and told a beautiful story of a friend of his, and how he wrote a song in ten minutes after seeing a movie that reminded him of his friend. I took a video of the story and the song. Then Jamie and her father sang/played “Let it Be” together. It was so sweet. I had earlier mentioned how much I liked Bob Dylan’s “Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright” (though I especially liked the Peter, Paul, and Mary version), a moment later…there he was singing it and playing guitar. I immediately sent a text message to my best friend knowing she’d understand how cool that was. Jimmy and his dad played guitar together and while Jim plays mellow, Jimmy plays harder. Uncle Jim said “I don’t know how to jam”. Maybe you had to be there – but it was great watching them. Grandma just loved the music.

Again, my heart was heavy was I left. What wonderful people. I wish I had more time with them.

On Saturday, I got the call that Jim had died. My grandma could barely spit the words out. I hung up, and sat there processing how this could have happened. I thought of Peggy, of Jimmy, of Jamie, of my grandma losing her son…I felt helpless. I still do. No one saw this coming. I looked on his facebook page, and on his blog http://earthhomegarden.blogspot.com. This man touched the lives of so many people – several whom he’d never even met. He had so many people in his life physically and virtually who believe in the same things he and Peggy do, he spoke for those who couldn’t speak, and he spoke for the earth. I’ve known a lot people, and I’ve seen a lot of loss. I’ve never seen anyone (even for just the brief time I got to “know” him) who could impact each person he met.

Every day since I heard, my heart has hurt and I wish I would have gone to the memorial yesterday. I went to sleep last night thinking of the family, I woke up this morning thinking of the family. Took the day off today. This morning I wondered “why this affecting me as much as it is – I barely met them”. It’s not a matter of how little time you spend with someone, it’s about the impact they leave in your heart. I can only imagine the impact left with those who knew him deeply. My heart pours out to all who knew and loved Jim. His life was a gift to many. In return, many will carry on his legacy. His wife, children, many brothers and sisters, will all mourn his loss, and feel that empty space. But in time, that space will be filled with the memories and love that he left them with.

I read a post that his daughter wrote to him and it had such a beautiful line “You could say one word and have a lifetime of passion behind it”. You can’t teach that. A man of compassion, you will be terribly missed, Uncle Jim, but more importantly, you were loved….as you loved.