I am asking you to do most of the work in this blog. I want to know what your holidays are like. Do you have to travel far enough to take a plane, a train, or a road trip longer than 6 hours? With whom do you get together? Your parents? Your children? Your in-laws? Yourself? What do you do? Tell stories? Play games? Go to church? If you get together with family, how often do you see them? Do you do a Christmas dinner? How many houses do you have to attend? What does it mean to you? Is it just another day? A sentimental time? Does it make you happy or stress you out? What do you love about it? What do you wish was different?
Okay, now really think about all of those questions. Tell me the answer. Tell me what the holidays are like for you. Now...a lot of people comment on my blogs via facebook, however, if you choose to remain anonymous please comment on the blog itself as "Anonymous".
I've had several different styles of Christmas. I've spent some completely alone (well with Budha), I've spent some with just the folks, some with far away relatives, one with a family I just met even though had always been a part of, and some with siblings and children. I've had several days to bask in holiday days off, and I've also been very rushed...but I want to know about yours.
Do tell.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Mind Mishmash
This blog post is going to be about no one specific thing. Just killing time on a Sunday.
1. Gilda. A few weeks ago, I adopted a kitty. I went to the Duluth Animal Allies to get an adult male cat...and instead ended up in Superior getting a female kitten. Ironically she was a stray cat hanging around a coworker's house and after days of caring for her, he brought her to the shelter (her son had named her "Cutie"). They couldn't keep her, as they already have 3 cats of their own. He told me this story the night before I went looking for a kitty. When I got to Superior I was already pretty convinced it just wasn't mean to be that day. Then I saw this cute little blonde/orange cat and I picked her up and she fell asleep in my arms. The name on her cage said "Cutie". "It's you!" I said to her. And we were in the car together in 5 minutes. The first night I had her, I knew I could not keep her name. She kept me up for most of the night licking my face and "Cutie - go lay down!" just doesn't work. (plus she's not a dog and doesn't listen to these commands anyway). So after a couple days of observing her, her golden fur, golden eyes, and humorous behavior. Her name became "Gilda".
2. No one needs to wish you a good day. It disgusts me - I mean DISGUSTS me that people actually put time and effort into bitching about people saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas". Beliefs aside....stop being an ass. No one needs to wish you a happy anything if you're just going to complain. Guess what? There are SEVERAL holidays in the "Holiday" season. It's like if I said "Have a good day" and someone got offended because I was specific to say "Have a good Sunday". It's gross. If you really are going to complain over someone wishing you happiness, take a look at yourself. Just because someone doesn't say "Merry Christmas" doesn't mean they are boycotting it, and even if they do have different beliefs, what does it say about the person who gets offended. Nice peaceful attitude. I just can't believe that people have such a need for controversy in their lives that it overtakes what is "meant to be" a joyous time of year. It's so easy to just be nice and respect each other and yet these days it seems people care more about creating debates about ANYTHING just to be heard. Honestly get a life if you're going to get worked up over something so petty. There are more important things in the world. Get over it. It is a very selfish way to behave. As I said...no one needs to wish you a happy anything...
3. Dogs. I miss my Budha every day. Every. Day. And I love Gilda, she is wonderful. But I still think I will need to get another dog at some point. Yesterday I thought "An Austrailian Shepherd would be a good addition to this house". Really of course, I would end up choosing whatever dog caught my heart....whenever that may be.
4. House. I finally got that annoying area above my stairs painted. Looks good. I wonder what the next project will be. Lots of them to choose from I guess. When I really think about it though, I've put a lot of work into the house in 6 years. But mostly - I need a new roof....and I would love to get rid of that big heavy bathtub someday.
5. Not exactly where I wanted to be at this point, but you can't really plan on these things. Almost 31, single, no kids, and relying on roommates to get debt paid down...not only is that hard to swallow by itself, but also tough to watch when you seem to be the only one on that side of life. I don't expect people to understand it.
6. Thanksgiving. I rarely leave town for Thanksgiving. I've always enjoyed doing my own Thanksgiving for people who have nowhere else to go, or who just want to spend time together. One year it was just me and Tom - and a LOT of food! I've had as few as 2 and as many as 13 people during Thanksgiving. Well this year I'll go down to my brother's house It will be nice to see the family and spend the day together. Maybe I'll try to do my orphan thanksgiving next weekend. :) We'll see. But for all of you who have spent previous Thanksgivings with me, thank you, have a wonderful day, and I'll let you know if I do one at a later time.
7. In my mind it's practically March. Thanksgiving next week, Christmas in December, Tom is coming in January (yea!), I am going to Oregon in February, and everything is just happening a little too fast.
8. I've been awake for several hours and it's still not even noon. What to do for the rest of the day? Lots of things I "should" do but don't feel like it. Puppysitting right now for the big boy and the little girl. Henry is sticking his bottom lip out.
Well I'm rambling so that's the end of this nonsense blog. Not my finest, but kept me busy for a little while anyway. Stay tuned for the next blog on www.timeforgirlsdinnernight.blogspot.com. I should write that one up later tonight (or for sure by tomorrow night).
1. Gilda. A few weeks ago, I adopted a kitty. I went to the Duluth Animal Allies to get an adult male cat...and instead ended up in Superior getting a female kitten. Ironically she was a stray cat hanging around a coworker's house and after days of caring for her, he brought her to the shelter (her son had named her "Cutie"). They couldn't keep her, as they already have 3 cats of their own. He told me this story the night before I went looking for a kitty. When I got to Superior I was already pretty convinced it just wasn't mean to be that day. Then I saw this cute little blonde/orange cat and I picked her up and she fell asleep in my arms. The name on her cage said "Cutie". "It's you!" I said to her. And we were in the car together in 5 minutes. The first night I had her, I knew I could not keep her name. She kept me up for most of the night licking my face and "Cutie - go lay down!" just doesn't work. (plus she's not a dog and doesn't listen to these commands anyway). So after a couple days of observing her, her golden fur, golden eyes, and humorous behavior. Her name became "Gilda".
2. No one needs to wish you a good day. It disgusts me - I mean DISGUSTS me that people actually put time and effort into bitching about people saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas". Beliefs aside....stop being an ass. No one needs to wish you a happy anything if you're just going to complain. Guess what? There are SEVERAL holidays in the "Holiday" season. It's like if I said "Have a good day" and someone got offended because I was specific to say "Have a good Sunday". It's gross. If you really are going to complain over someone wishing you happiness, take a look at yourself. Just because someone doesn't say "Merry Christmas" doesn't mean they are boycotting it, and even if they do have different beliefs, what does it say about the person who gets offended. Nice peaceful attitude. I just can't believe that people have such a need for controversy in their lives that it overtakes what is "meant to be" a joyous time of year. It's so easy to just be nice and respect each other and yet these days it seems people care more about creating debates about ANYTHING just to be heard. Honestly get a life if you're going to get worked up over something so petty. There are more important things in the world. Get over it. It is a very selfish way to behave. As I said...no one needs to wish you a happy anything...
3. Dogs. I miss my Budha every day. Every. Day. And I love Gilda, she is wonderful. But I still think I will need to get another dog at some point. Yesterday I thought "An Austrailian Shepherd would be a good addition to this house". Really of course, I would end up choosing whatever dog caught my heart....whenever that may be.
4. House. I finally got that annoying area above my stairs painted. Looks good. I wonder what the next project will be. Lots of them to choose from I guess. When I really think about it though, I've put a lot of work into the house in 6 years. But mostly - I need a new roof....and I would love to get rid of that big heavy bathtub someday.
5. Not exactly where I wanted to be at this point, but you can't really plan on these things. Almost 31, single, no kids, and relying on roommates to get debt paid down...not only is that hard to swallow by itself, but also tough to watch when you seem to be the only one on that side of life. I don't expect people to understand it.
6. Thanksgiving. I rarely leave town for Thanksgiving. I've always enjoyed doing my own Thanksgiving for people who have nowhere else to go, or who just want to spend time together. One year it was just me and Tom - and a LOT of food! I've had as few as 2 and as many as 13 people during Thanksgiving. Well this year I'll go down to my brother's house It will be nice to see the family and spend the day together. Maybe I'll try to do my orphan thanksgiving next weekend. :) We'll see. But for all of you who have spent previous Thanksgivings with me, thank you, have a wonderful day, and I'll let you know if I do one at a later time.
7. In my mind it's practically March. Thanksgiving next week, Christmas in December, Tom is coming in January (yea!), I am going to Oregon in February, and everything is just happening a little too fast.
8. I've been awake for several hours and it's still not even noon. What to do for the rest of the day? Lots of things I "should" do but don't feel like it. Puppysitting right now for the big boy and the little girl. Henry is sticking his bottom lip out.
Well I'm rambling so that's the end of this nonsense blog. Not my finest, but kept me busy for a little while anyway. Stay tuned for the next blog on www.timeforgirlsdinnernight.blogspot.com. I should write that one up later tonight (or for sure by tomorrow night).
Sunday, October 14, 2012
To All Kids and Teenagers
I write this for all the youth of today.
Bullying. About 2 years ago I talked with a young woman (just out of high school) about bullying. I said "Bullies have been around forever, it's really no different". I was wrong about that. Social media is a great tool. Is social media to be blamed for bullying? No...but we have to educate kids more on all aspects of social media, it's not just Facebook, but YouTube, even texting is a form of social media. I have no kids. I don't know how this is handled in schools today. I DO know that bullying seems to be taken MUCH more seriously now than I ever remember in schools, and that is wonderful. But what are the proactive measures? I honestly don't know. It's my hope though that there are more social skills classes beginning at a young age, not only about treating others as you'd like to be treated, but also really educating kids (repeatedly) about the dangers of any electronic posts and how they aren't going to disappear in a day, or even only be seen by the intended viewers.
Yesterday on CNN I saw this story about a teen suicide after bullying. I'm 30 years old. It breaks my heart to see that someone so young, was pushed to this limit...and will never know how life could have been great for her. What's more upsetting is that this isn't a unique case. This is happening more and more and we need to help save these kids! Times aren't what they were....this story explains even if the parents move their kids to a new school...bullying through social media can follow.
The most important thing I want to say to all of these kids before I go any further is this:
Bullying. About 2 years ago I talked with a young woman (just out of high school) about bullying. I said "Bullies have been around forever, it's really no different". I was wrong about that. Social media is a great tool. Is social media to be blamed for bullying? No...but we have to educate kids more on all aspects of social media, it's not just Facebook, but YouTube, even texting is a form of social media. I have no kids. I don't know how this is handled in schools today. I DO know that bullying seems to be taken MUCH more seriously now than I ever remember in schools, and that is wonderful. But what are the proactive measures? I honestly don't know. It's my hope though that there are more social skills classes beginning at a young age, not only about treating others as you'd like to be treated, but also really educating kids (repeatedly) about the dangers of any electronic posts and how they aren't going to disappear in a day, or even only be seen by the intended viewers.
Yesterday on CNN I saw this story about a teen suicide after bullying. I'm 30 years old. It breaks my heart to see that someone so young, was pushed to this limit...and will never know how life could have been great for her. What's more upsetting is that this isn't a unique case. This is happening more and more and we need to help save these kids! Times aren't what they were....this story explains even if the parents move their kids to a new school...bullying through social media can follow.
The most important thing I want to say to all of these kids before I go any further is this:
*PUSH THROUGH YOUR TEEN YEARS! IT WILL GET BETTER!*
It's not easy. If you're in school, and kids are mean to you, tormenting you, you lose your best friend, you lose all your friends, that is terrible. It is TERRIBLE. BUT...you HAVE to be strong because life goes by fast and you just have to get through school. Once you get through school, you can move on to college or if you don't go to college, you can still move on to adulthood. Kids/Teenagers often time behave the way they do...to be accepted. And if that means hurting others....unfortunately that happens. But if you can get through that....just keep fighting it every day there is light at the end of the tunnel. When you are on your own, through the dramatics of high school, that is your time to shine. You don't need all those people surrounding you, you will have your independence to find out who YOU are and build new friendships. By that point, you are going to be surrounded by others like you who are just trying to becoming their own person, and none of this petty stuff will matter anymore. By then if someone treats you badly, it will not only be easier to walk away from that person, but it will also be your time to tell them how childish they are behaving. No one should ever disrespect another person, but after high school...it's even more unacceptable - and any self respecting adult should be embarrassed if they ever make another person feel inadequate.
Another thing you should know...if you have bullies now, a lot of them will probably have regret in the future about the way they treated you. Does that help you now? Probably not, but it's another example of how people grow. Grade school and high school does not build who you are - you must understand that. Grade school and high school are to educate you for your adult life. You don't build who YOU are until...you have the opportunity to break free of these other influences. And the feeling is incredible, but you have to push through. A few years of torment (which still isn't fair) isn't worth shorting yourself of what could be a lifetime of wonderful things to come!
When I went to my 10 year class reunion, I saw 2 sides that made me proud of my classmates.
1. I saw some people that I was shocked to see, because I remember them being bullied. It took amazing courage for them to come back to a place where people weren't always nice to them...and you know....everyone got along great. Good for them for showing up and saying "Hey...my life is great."
2. I sat with a woman who was a very popular girl in high school. She looked at me and said "I just really wish "so and so" would have come to the reunion. I really wanted to apologize to her, I wasn't nice to her when we were little". That was about 20 years before hand...but she grew up and she genuinely felt bad about this, and wanted to tell her she was sorry.
So my own story. I hated bullying - I never took part of it through high school/grade school. I stood up for those getting made fun of, but still one thing always sticks in my mind. When I was in first grade - only....6 years old... I was playing with a girl in my class for a few days, and then 2 other kids pulled me aside and said I shouldn't be friends with her because "she isn't cool". 6 years old. I stopped playing with her. I didn't say anything mean to her or pick on her...but she had no idea why I abandoned her. 6 years old. That girl grew up, with people being rude to her all through high school...what I did seemed so minor...I just stopped talking to her....at 6 years old. But I thought about it ever day, and I still do.
*Sara Nelson, from Park Rapids...I apologize to you. Maybe you don't even remember us hanging out in first grade, but I do. I hope you are living a good life, and I respect you for hanging in there in a school full of students that didn't always treat you well.*
Never say hurtful things to someone. Yes, sometimes we have to say things people may not want to hear, but really think about it. Think about how this could affect that person, and also remember that we NEVER fully understand what another person is going through, so before you judge them, stop and think about WHY you feel the need to!
To the kids who are currently facing these struggles at school...this is not just to say "get through it" - use resources to help you. Talk with your parents, talk to your counselors at school, talk to counselors outside of school, go to support groups, find online support...do these things in order to push through. Your life will get better, once it becomes your own.
Do you think this blog doesn't apply to you because you don't bully? Good for you. Stand up for what you believe in. Help these kids. NO ONE deserves to be hurt...ever. Stand up for these kids, befriend them. Help them. Will you get bullied for doing so? Then to the next person "stand up for these kids, befriend them. Help them." Fighting for what you believe in, fighting to make a person feel good is so much more than picking on someone because you have nothing better to do that be a jerk. Do what's right. Don't worry what people will think - because you could be the one person who may just save someone's life for giving an ounce of care. Don't be the person who says "I should have said something" when it's too late.
Everyone deserves the opportunity of a long happy life. Help each other get through the younger years. It's such a small portion of life, and while it seems like everything to you at the time - that's only because it's all you know. Be strong and push through those hard times. Give yourself the opportunity to experience the REAL life you deserve...you'll amaze yourself.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
The Best Story of my Life
It's been two weeks since life felt normal. Two weeks ago today, Budha and I snuggled in the morning, spent the day together and spend the afternoon/evening at one of our very favorite places. The home of the Henricksons. We went for a nice walk with her besties, Sammy and Henry, and her Aunti Mandy while her uncle Ken made dinner. It was the perfect end to a perfect day.
I met Budha in 2002. Jon left work and I had to close up the store. He asked if I wanted to come over and have a couple drinks. I did. I grabbed a 6 pack of Rolling Rock at the liquor store (that isn't there anymore) by the movie theatre (that isn't there anymore) on Haines Rd. I followed Jon's directions and arrived at his house and remember loving the double decks. I walked up and rang the bell, and Jon walked over in his brick red flannel pajamas and a glass of wine - and then this beautiful dog came running, barking and wagging her tail...and her name was Budha. Man he loved that girl.
I went into the living room and Jon sat in his chair and I sat on the loveseat to his right with this dog sitting by me...she had the look of pure love on her face and I KNEW that this dog had a wonderful life with her owner and best friend.
Within only a week or two I had a key to his house, and I loved going there and taking her for surprise walks. At that time, our favorite walk was from Skyline/Observation Rd down to 3rd St and back up "The Long and Winding Road" (thank you Beatles). Our other favorite walk, was down at Chester Creek.
This photo was taken so long ago, digital cameras barely existed...let alone those new fangled "camera phones".
I remember taking her to work when Jon was working, and she would run behind the counter and stand up and put her paws on the counter when customers walk up. I could always feel the joy running through my veins seeing the smile she put on everyone's faces, especially Jon's.
I remember when Jon called me at work (this was when I lived there) and asked me to pick up some gauze on my way home because Budha had cut her foot. I cried. I knew she was fine, but was sad that this happy little girl was injured. I remember feeling ridiculous about it.
In 2004, I had my own apartment, but still - I always had that key - and I was still there (and for years to come) every day to see both of them. My friend Brent came to town and we took Budha on the Chester Creek trail. One of Jon's neighbors had 3 dogs he walked every day. Well, on this particular day, I heard his neighbor's voice call out from through the trees "Watch out for Stella!!" I put Budha on her leash immediately as his dog tore up the trail and attacked my girl, right to the ground. I pulled Budha out of the fight and Stella's owner came up to get his dog....I was not happy. As Brent and Budha and I walked I noticed she had blood on her ear. I was trying to find the source and couldn't. We hurried back to the house and I sat on the deck with her washing her ear and it kept bleeding and bleeding. I bawled. Finally I found through all that fur that it was just a tiny ear piercing but one of those places that just don't quickly clot. I walked to Jon's work and said "First....she's fine....but Budha got bit in the ear by "so and so's" dog". He looked angry, relieved and sad. I know how much he loved her...Budha was really like a child to him. He always said "she's blood".
Budha was such a lover. I remember one time my friend came over with a girl he was seeing, and Budha just wasn't having it. She growled almost the whole time she was there. Well...baby girl had good instincts. That girl was crazy.
One year I wanted to boycott Christmas and just have a birthday instead. Of course....everyone else still celebrated Christmas...but there was Budha, by my side just happy to be with me. :)
In all the years I've had or have known Budha, I've never left the house (or driven away) without saying "bye baby girl, I love you" - even if I was out of earshot.
I remember in 2006 I was at a party and I said "I have to get going, I have to see my schmoopy girl" and several people said "Yeah you just want to see Jon" - well yeah I liked to see Jon every day...but I NEEDED to see Budha. I didn't like the idea of her waiting for me and having me not show up. She was Jon's dog, his baby...and I was flattered when we agreed to call me "vice owner" and even sometimes he'd say "co-owner". Though I never thought I'd have her.
When Jon passed away in 2007 I drove up to the house in more pain than I had ever felt. I grabbed all Budha's belongings, said some words to his family, and saw Budha on her chain at the neighbors house. She was running and jumping frantically when she saw me. I'd seen Budha get sad after so many days when Jon would go on vacation..but this was different. I think she knew exactly what had happened. I was scared for weeks, maybe even months, thinking she would not survive this...the depression of losing her dad.
Having Budha....helping her be happy again, helped me to be happy again. I remember the first time I felt GENUINE, not alcohol induced happiness, after he passed away, was after I had taken Budha somewhere, and as we turned up 59th Ave, she stood up, her head out the window, smiling and wagging that tail.....and I knew she knew she was home. I even remember facebooking about that moment!
One winter morning I woke up and came downstairs, and Tom was shoveling...which made me happy and lucky just with that.....but then I saw more. He was playing with Budha out in the snow....and she was having a blast. I thought my heart would explode.
Tom was so good to her. He took her on walks and played with her and talked to her....she loved him. Sometimes I'd come home and they'd be on a walk together and I'd have to text him to bring her home because it was just too weird in the house without her. Tom is an amazing photographer, but one of my favorite pictures of her...he took with a camera phone:
I love her floofy butt in this photo.
There's just so many memories, I could type forever....but mainly - and I've said this for years and many of you have heard me say it. I would say "I love Budha so much I feel like my heart physically can not hold any more love for her....and yet somehow every day I love her more". Every day she gave me something new to be proud of, or she'd show me something new to appreciate.
Fast forwarding. I never saw her age. Last summer we were still taking walks and hikes where she could easily run in an area like this:
I was always so proud of how she was aging. Never a health concern, she was a vet's perfect patient. :) In December I sent out photo cards of Budha....I had wanted to for a while, and finally did. In January, you may remember I wrote this blog, I was getting pretty concerned about her. Even with just one episode....I knew. I remember crying at work, not because I worried that I was going to lose her right then but because I knew - I knew right then that this was my last year with her. When she recovered from that spell, she snuggled up with me on the couch (and had been snuggling a lot then) and I talked to her and I said "Budha if you ever give me anything more than you already have, you have to give me the promise that you will not leave me if I'm not here". I didn't want to get a phone call that she was gone, I didn't want to be away, whenever it was to happen....I wanted to be with her....that's all I wanted.
In April, I had a very stressful day. I came home at 5, put my pajamas on, popped a bag of popcorn, poured myself a drink and went to my room with Budha. She was concerned, and showed it by getting closer and closer and closer....she loved her mama so much.
In May, a dear friend of mine who is a pet photographer (ahem....Sarah Beth Photography...ahem) offered to do a Joy Session with Budha. I was flattered. On Memorial weekend we went on our annual camping trip with human friends and dog friends. She loved it. She was so relaxed the whole time....I remember thinking "This is going to be my last camping trip with her".
Once Tom moved, if I had to leave town for any reason, even though I have almost always had perfectly competent roommates who love her, I like to send her to Mandy and Ken's. She loved being there. In fact....if anything ever happened to me....they would be her new family. They would send me photos and updates of how she was doing....even if I was only gone overnight. I love that. Rewinding....the first time I had to leave Budha was in September 2007. It was my best friend's wedding in North Carolina...I was so excited but I was terrified to leave her that long (5 days!). When I landed in NC, I picked up my rental car and felt a pang of sadness wondering how Budha was doing...and that very moment I got a picture text from Tom. Budha was eating something and the caption said "Budh Budh likes green beans!" I loved it. And I loved Tom for everything he did for her, and for me. When I flew back in, my luggage broke in the middle of the MSP airport, and just at that moment, Tom texted me and said "Budha just got sprayed by a skunk". Here is her tomato bath:
We went to Island Lake like always for the 4th of July....she was tuckered out. A few days later she had a terrible episode. It scared me because she wasn't able to walk at all without stumbling into things. That night was the first night I ever slept on the couch. She slept on the floor right by me and I didn't leave her side. The next day she was like new. She climbed up into bed with me at bedtime like normal...but then she did something. For years I've always said "You'll never know how much I love you". Well that night she climbed right up under my arm, with her head on my chest and looked into my eyes. I swear it was like she said "Thank you for loving me so much". She slept most of that night with her head on me:
**picture to come later**
Since then she's been so great. We've been playing, and going on some of her newer favorite walks (Waterfront Trail) and she's been just by my side whenever she can be.
Something different started 2 weeks ago. I think Budha knew the time was coming. At night, even though she was with me on the bed, she would get down and walk over to me and stand there looking at me. But she had food/water and didn't need to go out. So I would just pet her until I fell asleep or until she walked away, whichever came first. Another new thing. For the last week she would not greet me at the door....I would come home and panic when she wasn't there. Then I'd go upstairs and she'd be on the bed - just happy as could be, but every time I would leave the house, even just to run to the store - back upstairs she'd go.
She did everything I ever asked of her and more. Over the last 7 or 8 months, I've always told her "You have to let me know if you need my help, I won't make a decision like that unless you tell me....and you're not allowed to leave me if I'm not here with you".
On Sunday we had the whole day together, and finished it up (as said) with a walk with our best pals. When we got home, it was clear she was very sore and tired (she had a little stumble getting out of the car earlier in the day). She was slow going upstairs, I put up the baby gate (which I only did on days when she was a little stubmly), and she jumped up onto the bed just fine. I was proud of her. My roommate shouted "Did she jump up on the bed" and said "Yep" and she said "Oh good!" - I just love Budha...and I felt happy that she wasn't too sore to get up there. I got in bed and was playing on my phone, and Budha stood up....and without stepping, tripping, or stumbling....she just fell completely to the side and came crashing down on my legs. I sat up and reached for her and she was shaking and panting....it scared her. She tried getting up again and I held her as she couldn't support herself at all. I got her off the bed and on a floor full of blankets. After about 45 minutes I pounded on my other roommate's door and when he answered I said "I don't know what to do about Budha" - he came in and we looked her over, and he went downstairs to get a flat plate for food and water so she could get to it. I got her settled in on the floor and I laid in my bed listening for her. I heard her little collar jingle....and in only the 2 to 3 second it took for me to get to her, she had fallen with her back legs one way, her front legs the other and her head in the direction of her back legs. I fixed her immediately and laid on the floor with her....my only thought - my ONLY thought at that time was "what if I hadn't been here?". I stayed up with her throughout the night and each time she would try to move, I would have to catch her.....she would fall, often time face first, and I just couldn't imagine if I wasn't there to be catching her as I was....
At 3am she tried again, and again I caught her but this time I picked her up and laid her back on the bed. I knew that if she was not better by morning...this was it. I slid a sheet under her in case we had to get her moved. she laid there for 3 hours sleeping, but her tongue was out, and her eyes were shut ....but tense...she was not comfortable, and her breathing was short and forceful and she exhaled through her nose. At 6 or 7 am she woke up and I let her try one more time to stand...she fell over. She laid there, with her head up....and looked at me....and let out a sad cry which I had never heard before and I said "okay baby". I begged her - I begged her as she laid back down to just let go, and I think she wanted to. she laid there with her short breaths and her head against my leg as I sat with her and comforted her.
Mandy came over in the morning and drove Budha and I to the vet. Budha wasn't scared...she just laid there on a blanket on the floor. The vet said exactly what I was thinking "She could recover from this, but how far are you willing to let it go...I think she's ready". And with that...I laid on the vet floor with her, nose to nose, and told her she made my life wonderful, and I thanked her for telling me she was ready, and in a soft voice I repeated "I love you, you gotta' trust me because I'm trusting you". and she closed her eyes and relaxed....and away she went as I kissed her nose and stroked her cheek. I said one final "bye baby girl, I love you" as I shut the door.
The picture above (as well as a few others) - while cute...they aren't "good pictures" - I know that my baby was hurting in that picture, and she just wanted mom. I keep the pictures for those moments I wonder if I made the right decision. Bottom line is even if she had recovered...I never ever wanted to see her go through what she dealt with that night again. And if I was gone while something like this happened...I'd never forgive myself. She should have nothing short of an amazing healthy happy life.
It's been tough. It's been lonely. Lonelier than I'd ever imagined. I hope she's with her dad again. I had a nice long talk with him about what a wonderful life she had, and what a wonderful life she gave me. Be together again my loves.
I met Budha in 2002. Jon left work and I had to close up the store. He asked if I wanted to come over and have a couple drinks. I did. I grabbed a 6 pack of Rolling Rock at the liquor store (that isn't there anymore) by the movie theatre (that isn't there anymore) on Haines Rd. I followed Jon's directions and arrived at his house and remember loving the double decks. I walked up and rang the bell, and Jon walked over in his brick red flannel pajamas and a glass of wine - and then this beautiful dog came running, barking and wagging her tail...and her name was Budha. Man he loved that girl.
I went into the living room and Jon sat in his chair and I sat on the loveseat to his right with this dog sitting by me...she had the look of pure love on her face and I KNEW that this dog had a wonderful life with her owner and best friend.
Within only a week or two I had a key to his house, and I loved going there and taking her for surprise walks. At that time, our favorite walk was from Skyline/Observation Rd down to 3rd St and back up "The Long and Winding Road" (thank you Beatles). Our other favorite walk, was down at Chester Creek.
This photo was taken so long ago, digital cameras barely existed...let alone those new fangled "camera phones".
I remember taking her to work when Jon was working, and she would run behind the counter and stand up and put her paws on the counter when customers walk up. I could always feel the joy running through my veins seeing the smile she put on everyone's faces, especially Jon's.
I remember when Jon called me at work (this was when I lived there) and asked me to pick up some gauze on my way home because Budha had cut her foot. I cried. I knew she was fine, but was sad that this happy little girl was injured. I remember feeling ridiculous about it.
In 2004, I had my own apartment, but still - I always had that key - and I was still there (and for years to come) every day to see both of them. My friend Brent came to town and we took Budha on the Chester Creek trail. One of Jon's neighbors had 3 dogs he walked every day. Well, on this particular day, I heard his neighbor's voice call out from through the trees "Watch out for Stella!!" I put Budha on her leash immediately as his dog tore up the trail and attacked my girl, right to the ground. I pulled Budha out of the fight and Stella's owner came up to get his dog....I was not happy. As Brent and Budha and I walked I noticed she had blood on her ear. I was trying to find the source and couldn't. We hurried back to the house and I sat on the deck with her washing her ear and it kept bleeding and bleeding. I bawled. Finally I found through all that fur that it was just a tiny ear piercing but one of those places that just don't quickly clot. I walked to Jon's work and said "First....she's fine....but Budha got bit in the ear by "so and so's" dog". He looked angry, relieved and sad. I know how much he loved her...Budha was really like a child to him. He always said "she's blood".
Budha was such a lover. I remember one time my friend came over with a girl he was seeing, and Budha just wasn't having it. She growled almost the whole time she was there. Well...baby girl had good instincts. That girl was crazy.
One year I wanted to boycott Christmas and just have a birthday instead. Of course....everyone else still celebrated Christmas...but there was Budha, by my side just happy to be with me. :)
In all the years I've had or have known Budha, I've never left the house (or driven away) without saying "bye baby girl, I love you" - even if I was out of earshot.
I remember in 2006 I was at a party and I said "I have to get going, I have to see my schmoopy girl" and several people said "Yeah you just want to see Jon" - well yeah I liked to see Jon every day...but I NEEDED to see Budha. I didn't like the idea of her waiting for me and having me not show up. She was Jon's dog, his baby...and I was flattered when we agreed to call me "vice owner" and even sometimes he'd say "co-owner". Though I never thought I'd have her.
When Jon passed away in 2007 I drove up to the house in more pain than I had ever felt. I grabbed all Budha's belongings, said some words to his family, and saw Budha on her chain at the neighbors house. She was running and jumping frantically when she saw me. I'd seen Budha get sad after so many days when Jon would go on vacation..but this was different. I think she knew exactly what had happened. I was scared for weeks, maybe even months, thinking she would not survive this...the depression of losing her dad.
Having Budha....helping her be happy again, helped me to be happy again. I remember the first time I felt GENUINE, not alcohol induced happiness, after he passed away, was after I had taken Budha somewhere, and as we turned up 59th Ave, she stood up, her head out the window, smiling and wagging that tail.....and I knew she knew she was home. I even remember facebooking about that moment!
One winter morning I woke up and came downstairs, and Tom was shoveling...which made me happy and lucky just with that.....but then I saw more. He was playing with Budha out in the snow....and she was having a blast. I thought my heart would explode.
Tom was so good to her. He took her on walks and played with her and talked to her....she loved him. Sometimes I'd come home and they'd be on a walk together and I'd have to text him to bring her home because it was just too weird in the house without her. Tom is an amazing photographer, but one of my favorite pictures of her...he took with a camera phone:
I love her floofy butt in this photo.
There's just so many memories, I could type forever....but mainly - and I've said this for years and many of you have heard me say it. I would say "I love Budha so much I feel like my heart physically can not hold any more love for her....and yet somehow every day I love her more". Every day she gave me something new to be proud of, or she'd show me something new to appreciate.
Fast forwarding. I never saw her age. Last summer we were still taking walks and hikes where she could easily run in an area like this:
I was always so proud of how she was aging. Never a health concern, she was a vet's perfect patient. :) In December I sent out photo cards of Budha....I had wanted to for a while, and finally did. In January, you may remember I wrote this blog, I was getting pretty concerned about her. Even with just one episode....I knew. I remember crying at work, not because I worried that I was going to lose her right then but because I knew - I knew right then that this was my last year with her. When she recovered from that spell, she snuggled up with me on the couch (and had been snuggling a lot then) and I talked to her and I said "Budha if you ever give me anything more than you already have, you have to give me the promise that you will not leave me if I'm not here". I didn't want to get a phone call that she was gone, I didn't want to be away, whenever it was to happen....I wanted to be with her....that's all I wanted.
In April, I had a very stressful day. I came home at 5, put my pajamas on, popped a bag of popcorn, poured myself a drink and went to my room with Budha. She was concerned, and showed it by getting closer and closer and closer....she loved her mama so much.
In May, a dear friend of mine who is a pet photographer (ahem....Sarah Beth Photography...ahem) offered to do a Joy Session with Budha. I was flattered. On Memorial weekend we went on our annual camping trip with human friends and dog friends. She loved it. She was so relaxed the whole time....I remember thinking "This is going to be my last camping trip with her".
Once Tom moved, if I had to leave town for any reason, even though I have almost always had perfectly competent roommates who love her, I like to send her to Mandy and Ken's. She loved being there. In fact....if anything ever happened to me....they would be her new family. They would send me photos and updates of how she was doing....even if I was only gone overnight. I love that. Rewinding....the first time I had to leave Budha was in September 2007. It was my best friend's wedding in North Carolina...I was so excited but I was terrified to leave her that long (5 days!). When I landed in NC, I picked up my rental car and felt a pang of sadness wondering how Budha was doing...and that very moment I got a picture text from Tom. Budha was eating something and the caption said "Budh Budh likes green beans!" I loved it. And I loved Tom for everything he did for her, and for me. When I flew back in, my luggage broke in the middle of the MSP airport, and just at that moment, Tom texted me and said "Budha just got sprayed by a skunk". Here is her tomato bath:
We went to Island Lake like always for the 4th of July....she was tuckered out. A few days later she had a terrible episode. It scared me because she wasn't able to walk at all without stumbling into things. That night was the first night I ever slept on the couch. She slept on the floor right by me and I didn't leave her side. The next day she was like new. She climbed up into bed with me at bedtime like normal...but then she did something. For years I've always said "You'll never know how much I love you". Well that night she climbed right up under my arm, with her head on my chest and looked into my eyes. I swear it was like she said "Thank you for loving me so much". She slept most of that night with her head on me:
**picture to come later**
Since then she's been so great. We've been playing, and going on some of her newer favorite walks (Waterfront Trail) and she's been just by my side whenever she can be.
Something different started 2 weeks ago. I think Budha knew the time was coming. At night, even though she was with me on the bed, she would get down and walk over to me and stand there looking at me. But she had food/water and didn't need to go out. So I would just pet her until I fell asleep or until she walked away, whichever came first. Another new thing. For the last week she would not greet me at the door....I would come home and panic when she wasn't there. Then I'd go upstairs and she'd be on the bed - just happy as could be, but every time I would leave the house, even just to run to the store - back upstairs she'd go.
She did everything I ever asked of her and more. Over the last 7 or 8 months, I've always told her "You have to let me know if you need my help, I won't make a decision like that unless you tell me....and you're not allowed to leave me if I'm not here with you".
On Sunday we had the whole day together, and finished it up (as said) with a walk with our best pals. When we got home, it was clear she was very sore and tired (she had a little stumble getting out of the car earlier in the day). She was slow going upstairs, I put up the baby gate (which I only did on days when she was a little stubmly), and she jumped up onto the bed just fine. I was proud of her. My roommate shouted "Did she jump up on the bed" and said "Yep" and she said "Oh good!" - I just love Budha...and I felt happy that she wasn't too sore to get up there. I got in bed and was playing on my phone, and Budha stood up....and without stepping, tripping, or stumbling....she just fell completely to the side and came crashing down on my legs. I sat up and reached for her and she was shaking and panting....it scared her. She tried getting up again and I held her as she couldn't support herself at all. I got her off the bed and on a floor full of blankets. After about 45 minutes I pounded on my other roommate's door and when he answered I said "I don't know what to do about Budha" - he came in and we looked her over, and he went downstairs to get a flat plate for food and water so she could get to it. I got her settled in on the floor and I laid in my bed listening for her. I heard her little collar jingle....and in only the 2 to 3 second it took for me to get to her, she had fallen with her back legs one way, her front legs the other and her head in the direction of her back legs. I fixed her immediately and laid on the floor with her....my only thought - my ONLY thought at that time was "what if I hadn't been here?". I stayed up with her throughout the night and each time she would try to move, I would have to catch her.....she would fall, often time face first, and I just couldn't imagine if I wasn't there to be catching her as I was....
At 3am she tried again, and again I caught her but this time I picked her up and laid her back on the bed. I knew that if she was not better by morning...this was it. I slid a sheet under her in case we had to get her moved. she laid there for 3 hours sleeping, but her tongue was out, and her eyes were shut ....but tense...she was not comfortable, and her breathing was short and forceful and she exhaled through her nose. At 6 or 7 am she woke up and I let her try one more time to stand...she fell over. She laid there, with her head up....and looked at me....and let out a sad cry which I had never heard before and I said "okay baby". I begged her - I begged her as she laid back down to just let go, and I think she wanted to. she laid there with her short breaths and her head against my leg as I sat with her and comforted her.
Mandy came over in the morning and drove Budha and I to the vet. Budha wasn't scared...she just laid there on a blanket on the floor. The vet said exactly what I was thinking "She could recover from this, but how far are you willing to let it go...I think she's ready". And with that...I laid on the vet floor with her, nose to nose, and told her she made my life wonderful, and I thanked her for telling me she was ready, and in a soft voice I repeated "I love you, you gotta' trust me because I'm trusting you". and she closed her eyes and relaxed....and away she went as I kissed her nose and stroked her cheek. I said one final "bye baby girl, I love you" as I shut the door.
The picture above (as well as a few others) - while cute...they aren't "good pictures" - I know that my baby was hurting in that picture, and she just wanted mom. I keep the pictures for those moments I wonder if I made the right decision. Bottom line is even if she had recovered...I never ever wanted to see her go through what she dealt with that night again. And if I was gone while something like this happened...I'd never forgive myself. She should have nothing short of an amazing healthy happy life.
It's been tough. It's been lonely. Lonelier than I'd ever imagined. I hope she's with her dad again. I had a nice long talk with him about what a wonderful life she had, and what a wonderful life she gave me. Be together again my loves.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Overdue Closure
January 2nd, 2007. It was 10 pm when I called Jon to say "Good Night" and discuss our days. It was Tuesday night and he was eating Chinese food, feeling good, and was preparing to spend the day with his parents the following day. That Thursday he and Budha were going to come to my brand new house for dinner. We said our "good nights" on the phone, and about 5 hours later, Jon passed away in his sleep. January 3, 2007.
That was it. We talked. He was there. Then he wasn't. No warning, no indication (at least no obvious one). Life was normal and then in moments, completely altered. I never said goodbye....I never said anything with meaning, it was just a normal every day conversation....the end.
That was 5 1/2 years ago. His dog is my dog now (all of friends/family/readers know this). She is my world, and she is getting up there in age...almost 15! This weekend was Memorial Weekend and as I've done for several years, I took Budha camping with some friends in Hayward, WI. Yesterday I called Jon's brother (who lives nearby where we camp). I was hoping to stop in and see him on our way back today, but the timing didn't line up.
I didn't know until about a year ago...where Jon's family plot was. He was cremated so there was no burial after his service. Today was the first time I've ever visited the cemetery.
Let me start by saying, I've moved on. I loved Jon, and he will always be a part of who I am. I don't wake up with that heavy feeling in my chest anymore and haven't for some time. I think about him daily...but I don't dwell, or get sad, or wonder. Sometimes a memory will sneak up on me that will make me tear up...but it's upon surprise. Sometimes I'm a little upset when I can't remember a detail of his life, or of an event...but that's why I wrote 76 pages in the 3 months after his death. I wanted every detail documented so if I ever did forget these things, I could look back and remember his story. When a major life event happens I no longer think "I can't tell Jon about this, he's not here" - life has returned to normalcy ( a different normalcy, but still good). But still...the one thing that really tugs at my heartstrings more than anything else...is Budha. She was his life. She is mine. He knew that if anyone could love her as much as he did...it would be me. I didn't expect her to last until 12....and now here she is - in almost perfect health - and almost 15 years old. I've done a great job with her. But still....she's aging, her muscles are starting to go, she tires much faster than she used to. She is not only the best part of my day, but she's a big part of what got me through losing him. And I am who got her through it. She's my link. When I lose her, it will be painful, and they will both be gone. While I still have a little time, and I'm doing my best to prepare for that...it's tough.
Today made things a little easier. I found the cemetery. The rain let up and skies opened to a beautiful blue as soon as I got there. Jon's brother gave me perfect directions. I had to look through all the stones to find his, which was agonizing. But once I found it, it seemed obvious that I should have went to that one first. A huge beautiful granite headstone with an archway of ivy and berries surrounding it. Of course, his family would not have settled for less. I touched the archway and smiled recognizing the decorative details that could only have come from his beautiful mother. I'd recognize her style anywhere.
Once I stood in front of his stone, I found myself unaware of what to do. I felt out of place, as I know my beliefs differ from many others, and I wasn't even sure...I just didn't know what to do. I've lost a lot of people in my life, but have never gone to visit a cemetery for closure. I looked around a few times, feeling awkward, not knowing if I should talk out loud....I stood there awkwardly for a while, and cried more than I expected. The stone listed the birthdates of his father, his mother, his brother, and himself. The only death date (which is good) was Jon's. The baby of the family. To see that "etched in stone" did bring a sense of finality. I did finally get comfortable talking to him a little. There wasn't much to be said...but I wanted him to know all about Budha and how great she has been doing (meanwhile Budha was dancing around happily by me as if she knew she was in a "fun" place). For a long time I felt guilt about not knowing something was wrong, and not encouraging him to go to the hospital to get checked out. I have turned that guilt into something useful now, by telling the story, and helping others to understand not to take these warning signs for granted. So while I stood there today, I no longer felt responsible for that...but as minor as it may seem, I apologized for a fight we had back in 2005. We got through it back then, but I didn't realize until I grew up a little more (probably 2-3 years ago) that I was wrong. Details aren't important but it lasted for several days, and he apologized....but today...I apologized. A weight was lifted immediately. I got to call him "Poopy" again. It brought me a lot of joy to call him that stupid nickname (which is derived from nothing gross...I just said it to him once and it stuck). And it was light. Aside from the apology, it was emotional, but not necessarily in a bad way. Budha sat pretty, and we left one of her treats there. Before I walked away, I whispered to him a secret and while I couldn't literally hear him, in my mind I could hear his laugh and I know exactly how he'd respond if he could hear it. And that's how I left. That's how I always left Jon. Whether we were in good moods, bad moods or otherwise, there was always an entertaining exit when one of us left a room, or hung up the phone. It was like old times. While I've felt good, it was still...an overdue closure.
That was it. We talked. He was there. Then he wasn't. No warning, no indication (at least no obvious one). Life was normal and then in moments, completely altered. I never said goodbye....I never said anything with meaning, it was just a normal every day conversation....the end.
That was 5 1/2 years ago. His dog is my dog now (all of friends/family/readers know this). She is my world, and she is getting up there in age...almost 15! This weekend was Memorial Weekend and as I've done for several years, I took Budha camping with some friends in Hayward, WI. Yesterday I called Jon's brother (who lives nearby where we camp). I was hoping to stop in and see him on our way back today, but the timing didn't line up.
I didn't know until about a year ago...where Jon's family plot was. He was cremated so there was no burial after his service. Today was the first time I've ever visited the cemetery.
Let me start by saying, I've moved on. I loved Jon, and he will always be a part of who I am. I don't wake up with that heavy feeling in my chest anymore and haven't for some time. I think about him daily...but I don't dwell, or get sad, or wonder. Sometimes a memory will sneak up on me that will make me tear up...but it's upon surprise. Sometimes I'm a little upset when I can't remember a detail of his life, or of an event...but that's why I wrote 76 pages in the 3 months after his death. I wanted every detail documented so if I ever did forget these things, I could look back and remember his story. When a major life event happens I no longer think "I can't tell Jon about this, he's not here" - life has returned to normalcy ( a different normalcy, but still good). But still...the one thing that really tugs at my heartstrings more than anything else...is Budha. She was his life. She is mine. He knew that if anyone could love her as much as he did...it would be me. I didn't expect her to last until 12....and now here she is - in almost perfect health - and almost 15 years old. I've done a great job with her. But still....she's aging, her muscles are starting to go, she tires much faster than she used to. She is not only the best part of my day, but she's a big part of what got me through losing him. And I am who got her through it. She's my link. When I lose her, it will be painful, and they will both be gone. While I still have a little time, and I'm doing my best to prepare for that...it's tough.
Today made things a little easier. I found the cemetery. The rain let up and skies opened to a beautiful blue as soon as I got there. Jon's brother gave me perfect directions. I had to look through all the stones to find his, which was agonizing. But once I found it, it seemed obvious that I should have went to that one first. A huge beautiful granite headstone with an archway of ivy and berries surrounding it. Of course, his family would not have settled for less. I touched the archway and smiled recognizing the decorative details that could only have come from his beautiful mother. I'd recognize her style anywhere.
Once I stood in front of his stone, I found myself unaware of what to do. I felt out of place, as I know my beliefs differ from many others, and I wasn't even sure...I just didn't know what to do. I've lost a lot of people in my life, but have never gone to visit a cemetery for closure. I looked around a few times, feeling awkward, not knowing if I should talk out loud....I stood there awkwardly for a while, and cried more than I expected. The stone listed the birthdates of his father, his mother, his brother, and himself. The only death date (which is good) was Jon's. The baby of the family. To see that "etched in stone" did bring a sense of finality. I did finally get comfortable talking to him a little. There wasn't much to be said...but I wanted him to know all about Budha and how great she has been doing (meanwhile Budha was dancing around happily by me as if she knew she was in a "fun" place). For a long time I felt guilt about not knowing something was wrong, and not encouraging him to go to the hospital to get checked out. I have turned that guilt into something useful now, by telling the story, and helping others to understand not to take these warning signs for granted. So while I stood there today, I no longer felt responsible for that...but as minor as it may seem, I apologized for a fight we had back in 2005. We got through it back then, but I didn't realize until I grew up a little more (probably 2-3 years ago) that I was wrong. Details aren't important but it lasted for several days, and he apologized....but today...I apologized. A weight was lifted immediately. I got to call him "Poopy" again. It brought me a lot of joy to call him that stupid nickname (which is derived from nothing gross...I just said it to him once and it stuck). And it was light. Aside from the apology, it was emotional, but not necessarily in a bad way. Budha sat pretty, and we left one of her treats there. Before I walked away, I whispered to him a secret and while I couldn't literally hear him, in my mind I could hear his laugh and I know exactly how he'd respond if he could hear it. And that's how I left. That's how I always left Jon. Whether we were in good moods, bad moods or otherwise, there was always an entertaining exit when one of us left a room, or hung up the phone. It was like old times. While I've felt good, it was still...an overdue closure.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
30 Sucks, But Not as Much as 100 I Guess.
So...it happened. I turned 30 about 4 weeks ago. For the first couple weeks and several weeks beforehand, I was very emotional about it. Then I started coming to terms with it and now this week it's kicking me in the face....but I'm determined to make excuses.
1. I've been going to bed by 9pm....but it's cold, and I've been going to the gym, and I had to recover from a cold.
2. I got sick at 2:30 am the other night when I had been drinking earlier in the night. THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN TO ME. I NEVER get sick....but...in my defense, my friend who I was with said she hasn't felt right since and we both think maybe it was the tacos. I certainly didn't feel drunk when I was sick....but it made me wonder "is it because I'm 30 now?"
3. Today it was VERY cold. I came back from lunch and all was good when I got out of the car after lunch, but as soon as I walked in the building my finger hurt. I kept pulling on it and trying to crack it because it felt like it was jammed. Just then my coworker walked by and said "that's arthritis". Then another one confirmed it. It STILL hurts and actually hurts me even typing!
So this is crap.
Having said that, at least I'm not 100. Budha is about 100 in dog years right now. 14 years, 3 months. I don't know what has changed but very recently (2 weeks tops) she's really changed. It started (and this still continues) with her walking to the side of my bed in the middle of the night and waking me up - like she does when she has to go potty. I would get up and let her out and she'd look at me like "this isn't what I want" and we'd go back to bed and she'd do it again. I thought it might be a bladder infection or something, but she's going to the bathroom just fine. She also started sleeping RIGHT by me, which don't get me wrong - I LOVE this....but why the change?
A couple years ago she was diagnosed with degenerative myelopathy, which is basically deteriorates the sheath around the nerves off the spinal chord. BUT....she was almost 13 then and had virtually NO symptoms of this other then a very subtle foot drag sometimes when running. The vet said it would only get worse, but honestly at her age...I didn't see her getting to the point where it would affect her much more.
Well...in the past 6 months she does trip more often going up the stairs and very rarely she wouldn't be able to get up on the bed. I got a rug for the floor at the foot of the bed so that helped her a lot. Maybe once a week for the last couple months, she's been falling down, like her back end just tips over, and then she gets back up. Well...yesterday, she fell a lot right away in the morning, then had an accident and I don't think she even knew until it was too late. Then I put her out on her chain and she stumbled 3 times and then just gave up and sat on her butt.
I was so devastasted by all this that yesterday was a very hard day for me. Then I called my vet, you remember I wrote about him in this blog. Well guess what...he moved...to NEW HAMPSHIRE! :(
Ugh. So last night she was much better and this morning she was much better though she was shivering a lot (indoors). I covered her with a blanket and snuggled for a while.
When I got home she was very happy to see me and seemed normal, though my roommate said she was doing the jaw chattering a lot today (this is not her usual chatter but has only recently started....usually when she's really excited). He said she was doing it and barking at him, until he pet her....and then she was fine.
I sat on the couch and she snuggled right up with me. I covered her with a blanket, and she just snuggled right in, and let me pet her ears the entire time without being annoyed.
RIGHT NOW...she looks great, she's laying down - comfortable, she got to have some waffle for a snack :) - she's had a great night....but I just feel it. I really feel like she's getting ready to leave me. She goes to the vet soon for her routine shots, and I'd like them to let me know what to expect...I know the nerve issue can't be fixed, but maybe they can help with some of my other questions.
It's been a hard couple days for me to watch her....some may not even see anything wrong - but I know. Like a mother knows her child, I know this baby girl...and deep down I just feel like she knows. I don't want to be right about that. And I'll know more after the vet - she's been really good tonight, maybe she has another year in her.....I would hope so! But....only if it's a good year. If it's a year full of falling down and shaking...I won't do that to her. So...let's hope for some good news and good days ahead.
I love this dog. She is literally the most important thing I own, I think about her non-stop, and she was Jon's dog...once she is gone, I've lost them both. I know I will survive it, but it will not be easy. Losing a pet is never easy. She's been with me 1/3 of my life.
One thing I know I won't regret is that she is the most loved dog I've ever seen. I love her more and more every day and I don't know how that's possible. Tom, JoEllen, Mandy, Ken, Erin, Colin, she has SO many friends....both human and pups.
I feel like this is a goodbye blog and it ISN'T. She is doing just fine, but I know that the time is coming. Whether a month from now or a year from now, she's at the stage where it causes concern for me...more than I have ever felt.
For now, I just really want her to keep the feeling in those legs like she has been tonight. That is my biggest concern.
I didn't mean for this blog to be depressing....she isn't going anywhere quite yet, but - she trusts me with her entire self. I protected her at the dog park one time and she followed me the WHOLE day. I play rough with her and she knows...she knows I will not ever hurt her....if things get bad enough (and we certainly are not there yet), I know she will trust me. And I will trust her to let me know.
I love love love my baby girl. I hope to have a long time with her still. I will not even put a picture in this blog, because then it seems even sadder. BUT....I'll write an update when I know more.
Until then....snuggles galore. :) Okay here's a picture anyway cause she's damn cute.
1. I've been going to bed by 9pm....but it's cold, and I've been going to the gym, and I had to recover from a cold.
2. I got sick at 2:30 am the other night when I had been drinking earlier in the night. THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN TO ME. I NEVER get sick....but...in my defense, my friend who I was with said she hasn't felt right since and we both think maybe it was the tacos. I certainly didn't feel drunk when I was sick....but it made me wonder "is it because I'm 30 now?"
3. Today it was VERY cold. I came back from lunch and all was good when I got out of the car after lunch, but as soon as I walked in the building my finger hurt. I kept pulling on it and trying to crack it because it felt like it was jammed. Just then my coworker walked by and said "that's arthritis". Then another one confirmed it. It STILL hurts and actually hurts me even typing!
So this is crap.
Having said that, at least I'm not 100. Budha is about 100 in dog years right now. 14 years, 3 months. I don't know what has changed but very recently (2 weeks tops) she's really changed. It started (and this still continues) with her walking to the side of my bed in the middle of the night and waking me up - like she does when she has to go potty. I would get up and let her out and she'd look at me like "this isn't what I want" and we'd go back to bed and she'd do it again. I thought it might be a bladder infection or something, but she's going to the bathroom just fine. She also started sleeping RIGHT by me, which don't get me wrong - I LOVE this....but why the change?
A couple years ago she was diagnosed with degenerative myelopathy, which is basically deteriorates the sheath around the nerves off the spinal chord. BUT....she was almost 13 then and had virtually NO symptoms of this other then a very subtle foot drag sometimes when running. The vet said it would only get worse, but honestly at her age...I didn't see her getting to the point where it would affect her much more.
Well...in the past 6 months she does trip more often going up the stairs and very rarely she wouldn't be able to get up on the bed. I got a rug for the floor at the foot of the bed so that helped her a lot. Maybe once a week for the last couple months, she's been falling down, like her back end just tips over, and then she gets back up. Well...yesterday, she fell a lot right away in the morning, then had an accident and I don't think she even knew until it was too late. Then I put her out on her chain and she stumbled 3 times and then just gave up and sat on her butt.
I was so devastasted by all this that yesterday was a very hard day for me. Then I called my vet, you remember I wrote about him in this blog. Well guess what...he moved...to NEW HAMPSHIRE! :(
Ugh. So last night she was much better and this morning she was much better though she was shivering a lot (indoors). I covered her with a blanket and snuggled for a while.
When I got home she was very happy to see me and seemed normal, though my roommate said she was doing the jaw chattering a lot today (this is not her usual chatter but has only recently started....usually when she's really excited). He said she was doing it and barking at him, until he pet her....and then she was fine.
I sat on the couch and she snuggled right up with me. I covered her with a blanket, and she just snuggled right in, and let me pet her ears the entire time without being annoyed.
RIGHT NOW...she looks great, she's laying down - comfortable, she got to have some waffle for a snack :) - she's had a great night....but I just feel it. I really feel like she's getting ready to leave me. She goes to the vet soon for her routine shots, and I'd like them to let me know what to expect...I know the nerve issue can't be fixed, but maybe they can help with some of my other questions.
It's been a hard couple days for me to watch her....some may not even see anything wrong - but I know. Like a mother knows her child, I know this baby girl...and deep down I just feel like she knows. I don't want to be right about that. And I'll know more after the vet - she's been really good tonight, maybe she has another year in her.....I would hope so! But....only if it's a good year. If it's a year full of falling down and shaking...I won't do that to her. So...let's hope for some good news and good days ahead.
I love this dog. She is literally the most important thing I own, I think about her non-stop, and she was Jon's dog...once she is gone, I've lost them both. I know I will survive it, but it will not be easy. Losing a pet is never easy. She's been with me 1/3 of my life.
One thing I know I won't regret is that she is the most loved dog I've ever seen. I love her more and more every day and I don't know how that's possible. Tom, JoEllen, Mandy, Ken, Erin, Colin, she has SO many friends....both human and pups.
I feel like this is a goodbye blog and it ISN'T. She is doing just fine, but I know that the time is coming. Whether a month from now or a year from now, she's at the stage where it causes concern for me...more than I have ever felt.
For now, I just really want her to keep the feeling in those legs like she has been tonight. That is my biggest concern.
I didn't mean for this blog to be depressing....she isn't going anywhere quite yet, but - she trusts me with her entire self. I protected her at the dog park one time and she followed me the WHOLE day. I play rough with her and she knows...she knows I will not ever hurt her....if things get bad enough (and we certainly are not there yet), I know she will trust me. And I will trust her to let me know.
I love love love my baby girl. I hope to have a long time with her still. I will not even put a picture in this blog, because then it seems even sadder. BUT....I'll write an update when I know more.
Until then....snuggles galore. :) Okay here's a picture anyway cause she's damn cute.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Pay it Forward
Everyone has heard that there is no greater feeling than the feeling of giving. Do you believe it? I do. I don't have a lot to give, but I certainly need a lot! I don't think I have ever had a stranger do a "good deed" for me, and I certainly would not expect it, though my friends have done plenty and I appreciate every little gesture, and I do my best to show my appreciation. Truly though, I do believe the best way to pay back that feeling and not just feel like you've paid your debt, is to pay it forward.
Yesterday I spent the majority of what I have right now on a vacuum that I've been wanting because I couldn't handle all the dog hair (from a pet that I'm lucky to have) in my home (which even though a financial struggle....I'm grateful to own).
This morning I decided since I'm feeling a little better (battled a cold all week and had to miss 2 days of work - which I'm fortunate to have a lot of Paid Time Off to cover), I would make a glorious breakfast. One cannot have a glorious breakfast, however, without bacon.
I went to the Save-A-Lot. If you've never been here, I will do my best to describe it. The Save-A-Lot is a small grocery store with basically just the essentials plus a few extras. Everything is off brand and the shelves are made of rickety plastic. It's certainly not a classy place to shop but it's a smart place to shop. I can go in there and get 11 items for $8.00. Sometimes I will go there, AND to the "regular" grocery store if I need 10 regular items and 5 things that I will not find at the Save-A-Lot (stir fry sauce, peppadews, goat cheese, etc....). It is still quite a savings! Often times there are people in this grocery store who are obviously low income...and honestly, not nice people. You know the type. "I have no money, but we need to make sure we have beer in the house, get me a pack of smokes, I got a case a soda, and 4 bags of chips, how much money you got?" If that you're that hard for money - make some better choices. It's hard for me to feel bad for this type of situation.
Today, this happened. I went to the Save-A-Lot for some bacon and sausage. There was a couple filling up their cart, late 40's, maybe early 50's. I didn't really pay attention, I was just really excited to get home and make up a delicious breakfast. :) The couple pulled their cart ahead of me and the woman started unloading it. Then the man (whom I assume was her husband) ran up and said "I'm sorry, here" and started helping her unload the cart. I noticed the contents of their cart: eggs, milk, cheese, bread, vegetables, ....all good hearty items. The woman laughed with the cashier and said "We're cutting it close here, we're on a budget". They rang the items up and had 4 containers of yogurt and an onion left. The two of them dug in their pockets for change, and paid for the onion. Then the woman said "No yogurt for me. I cry" And she smiled and laughed, not embarrassed, not upset, not angry, she just let it be. They joked more about having to make do the best you can between checks, they thanked the cashier and moved over to the counter to bag their groceries (that's how it works in this store).
I told the cashier to ring up the yogurt on mine. Just then the woman looked back and asked the cashier "Do you want me to go put that yogurt back?" The cashier said "Actually no, she's buying it" and the woman laughed and said "Oh well then it all works out for everyone". When my items were rung up, I took the yogurt and put it in the couples' cart. It was only $2.00. You could just FEEL how grateful they were, not that they NEEDED the yogurt, not that they were even upset about it, but the man mumbled to his wife that I was a sweetheart (awww shucks....*blush*) and smiled at me and thanked me and the woman thanked me several times through a choked up shaky voice. I said "it's no problem, have a good day". I heard them speaking to each other and they said "the best way to repay this is to pay it forward", then they hurried to find a man who left his gloves in the store and return them to him.
People say that there is no such thing as a selfless act. That may slightly be true. I didn't pay the $2.00 because it would make me a better person. BUT...seeing how truly grateful they were for such a small act of kindness, and seeing that they ARE the type of people to do something similar, makes me feel good not only for helping them out, but kind of puts my faith back into humanity. There are so many people out there that are poor and miserable (and I'm not calling this couple poor...but merely making a point)...because that's how they make their life. They don't do anything to better themselves, but they complain about everything they don't have. Why not? It's easy to complain. For those who can see through what they don't have, and appreciate what they do or what they COULD have....those are the people....that my heart seeks out... I guess is the best way to say it.
I didn't save the day. The yogurt wasn't going to get them through the week. I didn't act like a saint. But it made my day to see how much it meant to them, such a small act of kindness. A part of me wants to say "more people should do this when they can". The other part of me says "Maybe, more people do....and we just don't see it".
So...today I say this. Pay it forward, sometime, in some way. It doesn't have to be something big, but appreciate each other. Appreciate if your neighbor shovels your walk, or if someone gets a door for you while your hands are full. Pay it forward. It doesn't have to be monetary, just....think of others. You may not realize it, but they'll appreciate it. The smallest act of kindness just might make someone's day; maybe even your own.
Enjoy your Sunday.
Yesterday I spent the majority of what I have right now on a vacuum that I've been wanting because I couldn't handle all the dog hair (from a pet that I'm lucky to have) in my home (which even though a financial struggle....I'm grateful to own).
This morning I decided since I'm feeling a little better (battled a cold all week and had to miss 2 days of work - which I'm fortunate to have a lot of Paid Time Off to cover), I would make a glorious breakfast. One cannot have a glorious breakfast, however, without bacon.
I went to the Save-A-Lot. If you've never been here, I will do my best to describe it. The Save-A-Lot is a small grocery store with basically just the essentials plus a few extras. Everything is off brand and the shelves are made of rickety plastic. It's certainly not a classy place to shop but it's a smart place to shop. I can go in there and get 11 items for $8.00. Sometimes I will go there, AND to the "regular" grocery store if I need 10 regular items and 5 things that I will not find at the Save-A-Lot (stir fry sauce, peppadews, goat cheese, etc....). It is still quite a savings! Often times there are people in this grocery store who are obviously low income...and honestly, not nice people. You know the type. "I have no money, but we need to make sure we have beer in the house, get me a pack of smokes, I got a case a soda, and 4 bags of chips, how much money you got?" If that you're that hard for money - make some better choices. It's hard for me to feel bad for this type of situation.
Today, this happened. I went to the Save-A-Lot for some bacon and sausage. There was a couple filling up their cart, late 40's, maybe early 50's. I didn't really pay attention, I was just really excited to get home and make up a delicious breakfast. :) The couple pulled their cart ahead of me and the woman started unloading it. Then the man (whom I assume was her husband) ran up and said "I'm sorry, here" and started helping her unload the cart. I noticed the contents of their cart: eggs, milk, cheese, bread, vegetables, ....all good hearty items. The woman laughed with the cashier and said "We're cutting it close here, we're on a budget". They rang the items up and had 4 containers of yogurt and an onion left. The two of them dug in their pockets for change, and paid for the onion. Then the woman said "No yogurt for me. I cry" And she smiled and laughed, not embarrassed, not upset, not angry, she just let it be. They joked more about having to make do the best you can between checks, they thanked the cashier and moved over to the counter to bag their groceries (that's how it works in this store).
I told the cashier to ring up the yogurt on mine. Just then the woman looked back and asked the cashier "Do you want me to go put that yogurt back?" The cashier said "Actually no, she's buying it" and the woman laughed and said "Oh well then it all works out for everyone". When my items were rung up, I took the yogurt and put it in the couples' cart. It was only $2.00. You could just FEEL how grateful they were, not that they NEEDED the yogurt, not that they were even upset about it, but the man mumbled to his wife that I was a sweetheart (awww shucks....*blush*) and smiled at me and thanked me and the woman thanked me several times through a choked up shaky voice. I said "it's no problem, have a good day". I heard them speaking to each other and they said "the best way to repay this is to pay it forward", then they hurried to find a man who left his gloves in the store and return them to him.
People say that there is no such thing as a selfless act. That may slightly be true. I didn't pay the $2.00 because it would make me a better person. BUT...seeing how truly grateful they were for such a small act of kindness, and seeing that they ARE the type of people to do something similar, makes me feel good not only for helping them out, but kind of puts my faith back into humanity. There are so many people out there that are poor and miserable (and I'm not calling this couple poor...but merely making a point)...because that's how they make their life. They don't do anything to better themselves, but they complain about everything they don't have. Why not? It's easy to complain. For those who can see through what they don't have, and appreciate what they do or what they COULD have....those are the people....that my heart seeks out... I guess is the best way to say it.
I didn't save the day. The yogurt wasn't going to get them through the week. I didn't act like a saint. But it made my day to see how much it meant to them, such a small act of kindness. A part of me wants to say "more people should do this when they can". The other part of me says "Maybe, more people do....and we just don't see it".
So...today I say this. Pay it forward, sometime, in some way. It doesn't have to be something big, but appreciate each other. Appreciate if your neighbor shovels your walk, or if someone gets a door for you while your hands are full. Pay it forward. It doesn't have to be monetary, just....think of others. You may not realize it, but they'll appreciate it. The smallest act of kindness just might make someone's day; maybe even your own.
Enjoy your Sunday.
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