When someone close to us passes away, we do strange things. It’s human nature to hold on to something – even once you think you’ve let go. For me...I bought a ring. It’s Jon’s birthstone (which also is my favorite gemstone) with 2 small diamonds representing my soul and my strength. Engraved on the inside are the words “My Every Day”. Why? Because I was literally with him every single day. Even on those days when we could not see each other, there was a phone call. Even after he passed away, he was there every day. To THIS very day, I don’t pine over his memory often, but I think of him often. I think of what he would think if he saw this, what he would say if he knew that, how he inspired me to be who I am, etc... It doesn’t make me sad often anymore, but....he still exists in my heart. Does that mean I have not moved on? Absolutely not. It just means he was a big part of my life.
Now, at the time I wore this ring on my left ring finger because – it was sentimental (AND...because it fits that finger best). I never thought people would mistake it for an engagement ring – it’s Amethyst....
In any case, I still love this ring, I still love the look of it, and I don’t have to look at the words to know the meaning. It is not like a tattoo of a name, it’s a symbol of how I got to where I am. THAT is what it truly represents.
That was a long history to explain “the ring”. Now....to the point (always takes me a little while to get there, but I feel the background is sometimes necessary). One day at the gym, my workout buddy Marcus and I were talking about dating. The last year has been semi rough for me on the dating scene. And for a while I didn’t care, because I didn’t really have the time anyway...? Then after a few days Marcus points at my hand and says “that’s why you’re dating life sucks”. I immediately got defensive and said “Shut up, that’s been there for years (which did not help my case) and I like it there and I’m not moving it”. He knows when to stop – and he did. That was a couple months ago though and I’m still mulling it over.
I know that there have been a few times where a less than respectable....let me rephrase that. I know that there have been a few times when a less than sober person has approached me at a bar, started talking and then has noticeably looked at the ring and either walked away or say “are you married?” And at those times – it’s easier to say “yes” than “No, but you’re drunk and annoying me so let’s not fight about this or put me on the spot to say something which in return you’ll either feel bad or call me a bitch, and neither of us want either of things to happen....” So yes, maybe sometimes it may look like I’m attached because I do where it there, and maybe sometimes I like that. But now I wonder....what IF there really are some respectable men out there....who do see the ring, and are respectful enough not to even approach because of it. Could this actually be working against me, a ring that has NO resemblance to an engagement ring?
“Why not just move the ring to another damn finger” – says the readers. Well, I think I am okay with moving away from that finger as I no longer feel the need to “latch on”....however....it is the only finger it fits (yes, for real). And to get it resized, will mean having to re-engrave it, and I’d like to just keep the same crooked words I have if possible.
Now on one hand (no pun intended), it could just flat out be that I am not gauging any interest (no – don’t feel pity in that statement – it’s just a statement), on the other hand (pun intended) – could it be this ring shooting “married woman laser beams” into the eyes of [looking for a creative word]....ummm....men?
So, I don’t know how many guys read my blog – I am guessing very few, but to any man who is reading this blog, answer this: If you are/were single, and you see a woman with a ring on her left ring finger (a ring of any sort....well...maybe not a ring pop), would you immediately retreat? Do you automatically even look for a ring? (I know I do).
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
29 Going on 92
I do not think 29 is old. I do not think 35 is old. I do not think 45 is old....honestly, I think whatever age you are, “old” is at least 30 years after that. When you’re 10, 40 is old. When you’re 20, 50 is old, when you’re 30, 60 is old...and so on.
29? Please. I’m young....but am getting challenged by the younger every single day.
When I was a kid, a song would come on and within the first 2 notes I would say “Mom, do you like this song?” She would reply “Sabrina, I don’t even know what it is yet.” I did. I knew every word of every song and could point it out in a second.
Now, it takes me until a song is almost over before I remember that I even knew it.
I used to watch a movie, and remember it almost word for word. A lot of people (especially males it seems) can still do this. I can’t. If it’s good enough that I’ve watched it several times, then I can. Most of the time, I don’t remember anything about the movie within 30 minutes its end. Sigh....
To stop myself from rambling, I will try to get to the point.
I now have a 20 year old roommate – with a puppy. She’s great...but I don’t think I ever realized what a difference there really was. When I first met her she reminded me so much of my friend Kasha. Kasha and I were really close from ages 18-20, before she moved. What I’m realizing now, is even though she reminds me so much of 20 yr old Kasha....I....am not 20 anymore. A lot of things that she does or says – I look at with confusion for a moment, and then I think back to the summer Julia and I spent in Fredericksburg....that was 20’s style living. Play drinking games, don’t come home at night, didn’t pick up after ourselves....now Julia and I have grown past that....but I live with the reminder.
It reminds me of that Sex and the City episode where Carrie wakes up in a 20-something’s apartment. It’s an eye opener.
Yesterday I decided to get a part time job. Again. Other times it has been to make ends meet, or to pay off a new sewer, etc...This time – it’s because I’m getting to the age where roommates are getting tough. Do I like them? Yes. Are they fun to be around? Yes. Do I miss the feeling of ownership of my own house/space/things? Yes. If I’m annoyed about a mess, I want it to be my mess. If irritated with a full garbage can, I want it to be my full garbage can. If I want to park in front of my house, I want MY car to be the one in that spot. It’s nothing pointed at any person for any one reason (thought there are certainly some issues as expected when having roommates), but....lately – I feel like I’ve been playing mom. Do I want kids? Yes. But not like this.
So I think my main reason for this “feeling old” – was not so much that I feel I can’t do the things I used to....but that I have no desire to. When my 20 yr old roommate said to me “What do you mean you’re not going out tonight, its Friday.....” and then followed up with “Wanna drink tonight?” – I realized how things change. When you’re over 21 – there’s really not a “wanna drink tonight?” conversation. At 29 – I either drink or I don’t. Maybe I’ll have one drink and call it good, maybe I’ll have 12, maybe I’ll have water....there’s no plan – you just do what you do. At 29 – on a Friday night, maybe I’ll have friends over for a nice dinner, a couple glasses of wine, maybe I’ll go to my usual bar and drink one or 7 and play cribbage with a friend for 1 hour or 4 who knows. Maybe I’ll come home and go to bed early enjoying the night alone with my pup. The one thing I do NOT enjoy – is going “out” out anymore. I do not enjoy going out and watching a bunch of young girls dolled up to the max with an equal group of Abercrombie (if that’s even popular anymore...?) dudes (did I really just say “dudes”?) having loud competitions with themselves.
On the contrary, I did go “out” with some of these young ones a couple weeks ago. “Just come out, it’s Saturday night” I was told. I looked at my other roommate who is 31, and we agreed that we would be the old ones (in comparison to the others that were going) that would go out for just a couple and come home. Well...instead....I ran into an old flame. I haven’t talked to this person in 2 years, and there was a reason for it. At the same time, I haven’t had a date in.....7 months (ouch! I just counted that out!). We rekindled the spark for most of the evening even though, even after several drinks....I knew deep down why I stopped speaking to him. At the very end of the night my 20 yr old roommate said “are you taking him home?” My 20 yr old self wouldn’t have batted an eye. Of course I would have. Instead....I looked at his buddy and said “are you okay to drive him home?”. That was that. As I told my best friend the next morning “I guess I’m ready for a grown up relationship”. I’m at the age where I still like to act a fool sometimes, and I still play sports, and I am still a social butterfly, but....I also want a clean house, my bills paid, time to read books, and if I wake up next to someone, I expect it to be long term. That night proved to me that physically I felt 20....but on a level of maturity....92! (I exaggerate...this will not change).
Last night I was talking to my mom on the phone and I told her my plan for a part time job. She said “if you follow through with this, you’ll be working every single day”. I said “Like I’ve never done that before?” She said “When?” I was annoyed at this point because for a long time I worked 2 or 3 jobs (several of you can vouch for this). I said to her “Do you really not remember when I worked a 127 day stretch?” She said “When?” “When I was 20” I responded.
“You’re not 20 anymore” said the slap in the face.
Ugh. So....this is true. I think, especially having a desk job 40 hrs/wk....she is probably right about that. I’m still going to get one, but maybe I will change my availability a little to give myself some time to relax....maybe I’ll take up knitting.
29? Please. I’m young....but am getting challenged by the younger every single day.
When I was a kid, a song would come on and within the first 2 notes I would say “Mom, do you like this song?” She would reply “Sabrina, I don’t even know what it is yet.” I did. I knew every word of every song and could point it out in a second.
Now, it takes me until a song is almost over before I remember that I even knew it.
I used to watch a movie, and remember it almost word for word. A lot of people (especially males it seems) can still do this. I can’t. If it’s good enough that I’ve watched it several times, then I can. Most of the time, I don’t remember anything about the movie within 30 minutes its end. Sigh....
To stop myself from rambling, I will try to get to the point.
I now have a 20 year old roommate – with a puppy. She’s great...but I don’t think I ever realized what a difference there really was. When I first met her she reminded me so much of my friend Kasha. Kasha and I were really close from ages 18-20, before she moved. What I’m realizing now, is even though she reminds me so much of 20 yr old Kasha....I....am not 20 anymore. A lot of things that she does or says – I look at with confusion for a moment, and then I think back to the summer Julia and I spent in Fredericksburg....that was 20’s style living. Play drinking games, don’t come home at night, didn’t pick up after ourselves....now Julia and I have grown past that....but I live with the reminder.
It reminds me of that Sex and the City episode where Carrie wakes up in a 20-something’s apartment. It’s an eye opener.
Yesterday I decided to get a part time job. Again. Other times it has been to make ends meet, or to pay off a new sewer, etc...This time – it’s because I’m getting to the age where roommates are getting tough. Do I like them? Yes. Are they fun to be around? Yes. Do I miss the feeling of ownership of my own house/space/things? Yes. If I’m annoyed about a mess, I want it to be my mess. If irritated with a full garbage can, I want it to be my full garbage can. If I want to park in front of my house, I want MY car to be the one in that spot. It’s nothing pointed at any person for any one reason (thought there are certainly some issues as expected when having roommates), but....lately – I feel like I’ve been playing mom. Do I want kids? Yes. But not like this.
So I think my main reason for this “feeling old” – was not so much that I feel I can’t do the things I used to....but that I have no desire to. When my 20 yr old roommate said to me “What do you mean you’re not going out tonight, its Friday.....” and then followed up with “Wanna drink tonight?” – I realized how things change. When you’re over 21 – there’s really not a “wanna drink tonight?” conversation. At 29 – I either drink or I don’t. Maybe I’ll have one drink and call it good, maybe I’ll have 12, maybe I’ll have water....there’s no plan – you just do what you do. At 29 – on a Friday night, maybe I’ll have friends over for a nice dinner, a couple glasses of wine, maybe I’ll go to my usual bar and drink one or 7 and play cribbage with a friend for 1 hour or 4 who knows. Maybe I’ll come home and go to bed early enjoying the night alone with my pup. The one thing I do NOT enjoy – is going “out” out anymore. I do not enjoy going out and watching a bunch of young girls dolled up to the max with an equal group of Abercrombie (if that’s even popular anymore...?) dudes (did I really just say “dudes”?) having loud competitions with themselves.
On the contrary, I did go “out” with some of these young ones a couple weeks ago. “Just come out, it’s Saturday night” I was told. I looked at my other roommate who is 31, and we agreed that we would be the old ones (in comparison to the others that were going) that would go out for just a couple and come home. Well...instead....I ran into an old flame. I haven’t talked to this person in 2 years, and there was a reason for it. At the same time, I haven’t had a date in.....7 months (ouch! I just counted that out!). We rekindled the spark for most of the evening even though, even after several drinks....I knew deep down why I stopped speaking to him. At the very end of the night my 20 yr old roommate said “are you taking him home?” My 20 yr old self wouldn’t have batted an eye. Of course I would have. Instead....I looked at his buddy and said “are you okay to drive him home?”. That was that. As I told my best friend the next morning “I guess I’m ready for a grown up relationship”. I’m at the age where I still like to act a fool sometimes, and I still play sports, and I am still a social butterfly, but....I also want a clean house, my bills paid, time to read books, and if I wake up next to someone, I expect it to be long term. That night proved to me that physically I felt 20....but on a level of maturity....92! (I exaggerate...this will not change).
Last night I was talking to my mom on the phone and I told her my plan for a part time job. She said “if you follow through with this, you’ll be working every single day”. I said “Like I’ve never done that before?” She said “When?” I was annoyed at this point because for a long time I worked 2 or 3 jobs (several of you can vouch for this). I said to her “Do you really not remember when I worked a 127 day stretch?” She said “When?” “When I was 20” I responded.
“You’re not 20 anymore” said the slap in the face.
Ugh. So....this is true. I think, especially having a desk job 40 hrs/wk....she is probably right about that. I’m still going to get one, but maybe I will change my availability a little to give myself some time to relax....maybe I’ll take up knitting.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Right or Wrong - I don't know....
So as you all know, I've had a very emotional week after surrending Yogi to the shelter on Saturday. I was so upset, I went to bed at 8pm that night...and woke up on Sunday feeling a huge pit in my stomach. I was just devastated. I went up to Animal Allies that day, once I could calmly talk without bursting into tears. I talked with the vet there who was wonderful. I gave her all of the documented information that I had given to the previous vet I saw. She said that Yogi had attacked his tail the previous night and they bandaged it and he had left it alone since then. I didn't get my hopes up because that was only 3 or 4 hours. She said she would talk to the nuerologist on Monday and she'd call me to inform me of any information.
Well...Monday went by and it was a tough day. Tuesday...I did a little better. I would still get sad when missing those little things like - how he would always be in front of the bathroom door when I opened it. But overall...I held together pretty well. Then I woke up this morning. For whatever reason it felt like Day 1 again. I was just heartbroken. I just kept picturing him in that little cage. :(
Well....I spoke with the vet at the shelter today. The neurologist had not called her back yet, but she said since it had been bandaged...he hadn't touched it at all. She said since she hadn't really done much and he seemed okay - just laying there leaving his tail alone - that I could come up and reclaim him if I chose to.
Well hell yeah I chose to!!!!!
I got up there and was so happy to bring him home! I walked in and Budha's face was right up in the kitty carrier, her tail just wagging away. Yogi came out, ran upstairs for a minute, then went down to the basement to make sure all his stuff was still there, and it was. I haven't even entered the basement since he left.
So...here's the issue. I know he's not "better". I've seen the look on his face when he's looked at his tail a few times tonight, and he's also trying (so far unsuccessfully) to get the bandage off. So here is my plan:
I love this cat dearly. It was exceptionally hard for me to give him up because I was so worried about how he would handle being up there. Well...I'm certain he's not as happy as when he's here, with a house to roam, a dog to love, and a mom to snuggle. Having said that, I'm also very happy with the good care they gave him. Oh yeah - the plan:
So was it the right thing to do, bringing him back? I don't know. I'm going to give it another month. I'm going to keep his tail bandaged, and if I need to (which I probably will) I'll take him up to the vet that she recommended and get her advice. If things don't improve, or if this cannot be controlled, then I will have to give him up...for real. I'm going to help him as much as I can and hope to see some improvement. If he does not improve, well...I know that emotionally...I CAN give him up...and now that I've seen how well they care for him, while I won't be happy about it...I will be able to handle it if he needs more care than I can give him. It makes me sad to say that, but I have to be realistic. I physically cannot monitor a cat 24/7, which is why it is important to find the cause of this...
So Yogi, I missed you tons, and I'm so happy to see your happy little face...I would like to see it for years to come...so lets work together on this Yogie Ogie---Oooo.
For now, it's bedtime, let's snuggle. :)
Well...Monday went by and it was a tough day. Tuesday...I did a little better. I would still get sad when missing those little things like - how he would always be in front of the bathroom door when I opened it. But overall...I held together pretty well. Then I woke up this morning. For whatever reason it felt like Day 1 again. I was just heartbroken. I just kept picturing him in that little cage. :(
Well....I spoke with the vet at the shelter today. The neurologist had not called her back yet, but she said since it had been bandaged...he hadn't touched it at all. She said since she hadn't really done much and he seemed okay - just laying there leaving his tail alone - that I could come up and reclaim him if I chose to.
Well hell yeah I chose to!!!!!
I got up there and was so happy to bring him home! I walked in and Budha's face was right up in the kitty carrier, her tail just wagging away. Yogi came out, ran upstairs for a minute, then went down to the basement to make sure all his stuff was still there, and it was. I haven't even entered the basement since he left.
So...here's the issue. I know he's not "better". I've seen the look on his face when he's looked at his tail a few times tonight, and he's also trying (so far unsuccessfully) to get the bandage off. So here is my plan:
I love this cat dearly. It was exceptionally hard for me to give him up because I was so worried about how he would handle being up there. Well...I'm certain he's not as happy as when he's here, with a house to roam, a dog to love, and a mom to snuggle. Having said that, I'm also very happy with the good care they gave him. Oh yeah - the plan:
So was it the right thing to do, bringing him back? I don't know. I'm going to give it another month. I'm going to keep his tail bandaged, and if I need to (which I probably will) I'll take him up to the vet that she recommended and get her advice. If things don't improve, or if this cannot be controlled, then I will have to give him up...for real. I'm going to help him as much as I can and hope to see some improvement. If he does not improve, well...I know that emotionally...I CAN give him up...and now that I've seen how well they care for him, while I won't be happy about it...I will be able to handle it if he needs more care than I can give him. It makes me sad to say that, but I have to be realistic. I physically cannot monitor a cat 24/7, which is why it is important to find the cause of this...
So Yogi, I missed you tons, and I'm so happy to see your happy little face...I would like to see it for years to come...so lets work together on this Yogie Ogie---Oooo.
For now, it's bedtime, let's snuggle. :)
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Out of My Mind - and Damn it Felt Good
My mind is always always always going. Ask anyone. I'm always trying to figure something out, whether it be bills, projects, work, my behavior, - I my WHEELS are always turning.
In turn...when times are tough, the wheels spin harder and faster, and sometimes I just can't get answers. Well - often times I can't get answers, but during stressful times, this makes me fall hard. I try to sleep, I can't - I go for drives, I walk, I exercise, I drink, I write, I take all sorts of routes to try and develop a plan to fix the situations at hand.
Well...over the last couple months, mostly May...I was at my end. And then...I went camping.
I can honestly say I can't think of another time in at least the last 2 years, when I haven't had my mind on SOMETHING. Always trying to fix something, or if there is nothing to fix, trying to improve something.
Friday afternoon I pulled up to Mandy and Ken's camper, unloaded my stuff, got Budha out of the car...and everything vanished. For 3 days - I did not have a concern in the world. The only thoughts I had were about whatever I was doing at that very moment (roasting hot dogs, walking the pups, playing games, etc...) Nothing over the top exciting happened....it was truly like leaving one world to enter a brand new one. I loved it.
Of course now that I'm back...the wheels are turning again, but how nice just to give it a rest for a bit.
Mandy, Ken, Amanda, Nick, Henry, Sammy, Budha, Jig, Sniper, thanks for a great weekend.
In turn...when times are tough, the wheels spin harder and faster, and sometimes I just can't get answers. Well - often times I can't get answers, but during stressful times, this makes me fall hard. I try to sleep, I can't - I go for drives, I walk, I exercise, I drink, I write, I take all sorts of routes to try and develop a plan to fix the situations at hand.
Well...over the last couple months, mostly May...I was at my end. And then...I went camping.
I can honestly say I can't think of another time in at least the last 2 years, when I haven't had my mind on SOMETHING. Always trying to fix something, or if there is nothing to fix, trying to improve something.
Friday afternoon I pulled up to Mandy and Ken's camper, unloaded my stuff, got Budha out of the car...and everything vanished. For 3 days - I did not have a concern in the world. The only thoughts I had were about whatever I was doing at that very moment (roasting hot dogs, walking the pups, playing games, etc...) Nothing over the top exciting happened....it was truly like leaving one world to enter a brand new one. I loved it.
Of course now that I'm back...the wheels are turning again, but how nice just to give it a rest for a bit.
Mandy, Ken, Amanda, Nick, Henry, Sammy, Budha, Jig, Sniper, thanks for a great weekend.
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