5 days later, I spoke with the vet at the shelter and she informed me that since being on the meds, and having his tail bandaged, that Yogi had shown no interest in his tail. I could reclaim him if I wanted to. I did. Within 45 minutes of having him home, I knew it wasn't permanent...I could still see the behavior. I was down...I was up...I was nervous...I was on edge. He was pretty drugged for about 5 days, not the same cat, pulling at his fur at the base of the bandage, but not attacking. I missed his medicine for less than 2 days, and he was chasing it again...I immediately got his meds going again at a higher dose...11 days later....he is still more aggressive than ever. Last week I made an appt with the shelter to surrender him again. As the next couple days went on...I knew I couldn't do it. I couldn't send him back there, though they are a fantastic organization, I couldn't see him possibly get adopted while still having this problem...if the staff there couldn't see it.
ugh...On Friday a coworker whom I barely know, emailed me asking about him. We chatted, and then she offered this enourmous outpouring of support. She even offered to pay to put him down if I needed to, and to come with me if I needed someone. I was stunned. Here was a woman I've met a total of 15 times in 7 years, and she was reaching out with all this spport for me, and for my kitty.
After several nights of less than 2 hours of sleep a night, monitoring Yogi, I made the call to put him down today. He exhausts himself by hurting himself...and I can't even explain what that's like to see.
Everyone has been so supportive, and also...everyone knew it was time that I had to cut the ties...I haven't been myself, I'm tired, I'm depressed...I'm miserable.
Today...was the day of his euthenasia appointment. Yesterday at work I felt sick wondering if I was doing the right thing. Last night - I left him for 25 minutes when I went to the store, when I came back - his tail was so bloody - that for the first time, I couldn't even pick him up - because it made me sick to my stomach. :( I knew it had to be done. I cried for a long time today preparing for this.
I drove all the way out to his vet. When I got there, the receptionist said "I'm so sorry you're going through this, come on back". When I entered the room - I expected to see a normal clean exam room, and instead there was a nice blanket laid out on the table - and a box of tissues. She gave me a minute with Yogi. It felt like an eternity but was probably 5 minutes. I cried my eyes out as he snuggled under my chin scared. I told him I was sorry, and that I did everything I could, and that his tail wouldn't hurt him anymore and he'd be happier. And of course - that I love him.
The tech came in and said "we pulled a few strings...and spoke with the shelter - they are willing to take him back if you'd rather do that"
---------------emotional----------------------roller coaster------------
I didn't want that. It wasn't their fault - they were trying to do the right thing and help everyone in the situation. I was upset...making peace with losing him, and then this...she got the vet (who is my usual vet) to come in and talk. He came in and fell in love with Yogi and his beautiful blue eyes. I told him that I had nothing against the shelter, but that this was a pretty severe case...and he needed to be monitored a lot...and basically have some one on one care to get this figured out. I can't do it. :( I WISH I could say I had all the money to do this but I don't anymore. I am not emotionally or financially equipped for trial and error of things that may or may not work. I couldn't...I couldn't take him home AGAIN - and do this all over again. :(
Then...my vet (who shall remain nameless) said:
"What if I took him?"
Through choking on my tears, I caught my breath and said "Like...to your home?" He said "yes, I understand your position, this is very hard to see him do this, and can be quite expensive to find a solution that works, and he does need contant care until we find that solution" Then he said "I've seen this behavior before and have successfully treated it, I would happily take him into my home and try some things if you'll let me".
While on one hand - I felt like jumping off a bridge because I need closure with this - I need for me to stop worrying, and for him to be better - on the other hand...I knew that this was a great solution. He will foster him and he said if he is 100% sure that Yogi is better, he knows a circle of people that he trusts would adopt him and be able to give him the meds needed (if needed), and if he can't...well then there is the alternative where I was today.
While it was still very VERY hard for me to be up and down and up and down, and grieve and take it back - rip my heart out....I gave him a few last kisses....and left him with my vet.
I feel better than I've felt in a long time. There is some sadness that he is not here. There is some sadness that....I've essentially given him up AGAIN...and while I don't know what animals think/feel...I hope he knows that I did this because I DO love him, and I know I can't help anymore. :(
I know that my vet will give him the attention he deserves. I could see it in his face. I wish I would have seen him in the first place, but last time it was so urgent I had to see whomever was available. No use crying over spilled milk though...
In any case, Mandy, Ken, Brian, Lisa, Nick, Amanda, Lee Ann, my vet, and abosolutely everyone who has just...just been there for me during all of this. I appreciate you all more than you know. I hope I can return the kindness you've all shown to me.
And Yogi, I love you baby kit...I wish you a healthy, happy stress-free life...get better sweetheart. You're in great hands.
