30 Sucks, But Not as Much as 100 I Guess.

So...it happened.  I turned 30 about 4 weeks ago.  For the first couple weeks and several weeks beforehand, I was very emotional about it.  Then I started coming to terms with it and now this week it's kicking me in the face....but I'm determined to make excuses.

1. I've been going to bed by 9pm....but it's cold, and I've been going to the gym, and I had to recover from a cold. 

2. I got sick at 2:30 am the other night when I had been drinking earlier in the night.  THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN TO ME.  I NEVER get sick....but...in my defense, my friend who I was with said she hasn't felt right since and we both think maybe it was the tacos.  I certainly didn't feel drunk when I was sick....but it made me wonder "is it because I'm 30 now?"

3. Today it was VERY cold.  I came back from lunch and all was good when I got out of the car after lunch, but as soon as I walked in the building my finger hurt.  I kept pulling on it and trying to crack it because it felt like it was jammed.  Just then my coworker walked by and said "that's arthritis".  Then another one confirmed it.  It STILL hurts and actually hurts me even typing!

So this is crap.

Having said that, at least I'm not 100.  Budha is about 100 in dog years right now.  14 years, 3 months.  I don't know what has changed but very recently (2 weeks tops) she's really changed.  It started (and this still continues) with her walking to the side of my bed in the middle of the night and waking me up - like she does when she has to go potty.  I would get up and let her out and she'd look at me like "this isn't what I want" and we'd go back to bed and she'd do it again.  I thought it might be a bladder infection or something, but she's going to the bathroom just fine.  She also started sleeping RIGHT by me, which don't get me wrong - I LOVE this....but why the change? 

A couple years ago she was diagnosed with degenerative myelopathy, which is basically deteriorates the sheath around the nerves off the spinal chord.  BUT....she was almost 13 then and had virtually NO symptoms of this other then a very subtle foot drag sometimes when running.  The vet said it would only get worse, but honestly at her age...I didn't see her getting to the point where it would affect her much more. 

Well...in the past 6 months she does trip more often going up the stairs and very rarely she wouldn't be able to get up on the bed.  I got a rug for the floor at the foot of the bed so that helped her a lot.  Maybe once a week for the last couple months, she's been falling down, like her back end just tips over, and then she gets back up.  Well...yesterday, she fell a lot right away in the morning, then had an accident and I don't think she even knew until it was too late.  Then I put her out on her chain and she stumbled 3 times and then just gave up and sat on her butt. 

I was so devastasted by all this that yesterday was a very hard day for me.  Then I called my vet, you remember I wrote about him in this blog.  Well guess what...he moved...to NEW HAMPSHIRE!  :(

Ugh.  So last night she was much better and this morning she was much better though she was shivering a lot (indoors).  I covered her with a blanket and snuggled for a while.

When I got home she was very happy to see me and seemed normal, though my roommate said she was doing the jaw chattering a lot today (this is not her usual chatter but has only recently started....usually when she's really excited).  He said she was doing it and barking at him, until he pet her....and then she was fine.

I sat on the couch and she snuggled right up with me.  I covered her with a blanket, and she just snuggled right in, and let me pet her ears the entire time without being annoyed. 

RIGHT NOW...she looks great, she's laying down - comfortable, she got to have some waffle for a snack :) - she's had a great night....but I just feel it.  I really feel like she's getting ready to leave me.  She goes to the vet soon for her routine shots, and I'd like them to let me know what to expect...I know the nerve issue can't be fixed, but maybe they can help with some of my other questions. 

It's been a hard couple days for me to watch her....some may not even see anything wrong - but I know.  Like a mother knows her child, I know this baby girl...and deep down I just feel like she knows.  I don't want to be right about that.  And I'll know more after the vet - she's been really good tonight, maybe she has another year in her.....I would hope so!  But....only if it's a good year.  If it's a year full of falling down and shaking...I won't do that to her.  So...let's hope for some good news and good days ahead. 

I love this dog.  She is literally the most important thing I own, I think about her non-stop, and she was Jon's dog...once she is gone, I've lost them both.  I know I will survive it, but it will not be easy.  Losing a pet is never easy.  She's been with me 1/3 of my life. 

One thing I know I won't regret is that she is the most loved dog I've ever seen.  I love her more and more every day and I don't know how that's possible.  Tom, JoEllen, Mandy, Ken, Erin, Colin, she has SO many friends....both human and pups.

I feel like this is a goodbye blog and it ISN'T.  She is doing just fine, but I know that the time is coming.  Whether a month from now or a year from now, she's at the stage where it causes concern for me...more than I have ever felt.

For now, I just really want her to keep the feeling in those legs like she has been tonight.  That is my biggest concern. 

I didn't mean for this blog to be depressing....she isn't going anywhere quite yet, but - she trusts me with her entire self.  I protected her at the dog park one time and she followed me the WHOLE day.  I play rough with her and she knows...she knows I will not ever hurt her....if things get bad enough (and we certainly are not there yet), I know she will trust me.  And I will trust her to let me know.

I love love love my baby girl.  I hope to have a long time with her still.  I will not even put a picture in this blog, because then it seems even sadder.  BUT....I'll write an update when I know more.

Until then....snuggles galore.  :)  Okay here's a picture anyway cause she's damn cute.

Pay it Forward

Everyone has heard that there is no greater feeling than the feeling of giving.  Do you believe it?  I do.  I don't have a lot to give, but I certainly need a lot!  I don't think I have ever had a stranger do a "good deed" for me, and I certainly would not expect it, though my friends have done plenty and I appreciate every little gesture, and I do my best to show my appreciation.  Truly though, I do believe the best way to pay back that feeling and not just feel like you've paid your debt, is to pay it forward. 

Yesterday I spent the majority of what I have right now on a vacuum that I've been wanting because I couldn't handle all the dog hair (from a pet that I'm lucky to have) in my home (which even though a financial struggle....I'm grateful to own).

This morning I decided since I'm feeling a little better (battled a cold all week and had to miss 2 days of work - which I'm fortunate to have a lot of Paid Time Off to cover), I would make a glorious breakfast.  One cannot have a glorious  breakfast, however, without bacon. 

I went to the Save-A-Lot.  If you've never been here, I will do my best to describe it.  The Save-A-Lot is a small grocery store with basically just the essentials plus a few extras.  Everything is off brand and the shelves are made of rickety plastic.  It's certainly not a classy place to shop but it's a smart place to shop.  I can go in there and get 11 items for $8.00.  Sometimes I will go there, AND to the "regular" grocery store if I need 10 regular items and 5 things that I will not find at the Save-A-Lot (stir fry sauce, peppadews, goat cheese, etc....).  It is still quite a savings!  Often times there are people in this grocery store who are obviously low income...and honestly, not nice people.  You know the type.  "I have no money, but we need to make sure we have beer in the house, get me a pack of smokes, I got a case a soda, and 4 bags of chips, how much money you got?"  If that you're that hard for money - make some better choices.  It's hard for me to feel bad for this type of situation.

Today, this happened.  I went to the Save-A-Lot for some bacon and sausage.  There was a couple filling up their cart, late 40's, maybe early 50's.  I didn't really pay attention, I was just really excited to get home and make up a delicious breakfast.  :)  The couple pulled their cart ahead of me and the woman started unloading it.  Then the man (whom I assume was her husband) ran up and said "I'm sorry, here" and started helping her unload the cart.  I noticed the contents of their cart:  eggs, milk, cheese, bread, vegetables, ....all good hearty items.  The woman laughed with the cashier and said "We're cutting it close here, we're on a budget".  They rang the items up and had 4 containers of yogurt and an onion left.  The two of them dug in their pockets for change, and paid for the onion.  Then the woman said "No yogurt for me.  I cry"  And she smiled and laughed, not embarrassed, not upset, not angry, she just let it be.  They joked more about having to make do the best you can between checks, they thanked the cashier and moved over to the counter to bag their groceries (that's how it works in this store).

I told the cashier to ring up the yogurt on mine.  Just then the woman looked back and asked the cashier "Do you want me to go put that yogurt back?"  The cashier said "Actually no, she's buying it" and the woman laughed and said "Oh well then it all works out for everyone".  When my items were rung up, I took the yogurt and put it in the couples' cart.  It was only $2.00.  You could just FEEL how grateful they were, not that they NEEDED the yogurt, not that they were even upset about it, but the man mumbled to his wife that I was a sweetheart (awww shucks....*blush*) and smiled at me and thanked me and the woman thanked me several times through a choked up shaky voice.  I said "it's no problem, have a good day".  I heard them speaking to each other and they said "the best way to repay this is to pay it forward", then they hurried to find a man who left his gloves in the store and return them to him.

People say that there is no such thing as a selfless act.  That may slightly be true.  I didn't pay the $2.00 because it would make me a better person.  BUT...seeing how truly grateful they were for such a small act of kindness, and seeing that they ARE the type of people to do something similar, makes me feel good not only for helping them out,  but kind of puts my faith back into humanity.  There are so many people out there that are poor and miserable (and I'm not calling this couple poor...but merely making a point)...because that's how they make their life.  They don't do anything to better themselves, but they complain about everything they don't have.  Why not?  It's easy to complain.  For those who can see through what they don't have, and appreciate what they do or what they COULD have....those are the people....that my heart seeks out... I guess is the best way to say it. 

I didn't save the day.  The yogurt wasn't going to get them through the week.  I didn't act like a saint.  But it made my day to see how much it meant to them, such a small act of kindness.  A part of me wants to say "more people should do this when they can".  The other part of me says "Maybe, more people do....and we just don't see it". 

So...today I say this.  Pay it forward, sometime, in some way.  It doesn't have to be something big, but appreciate each other.  Appreciate if your neighbor shovels your walk, or if someone gets a door for you while your hands are full.  Pay it forward.  It doesn't have to be monetary, just....think of others.  You may not realize it, but they'll appreciate it.  The smallest act of kindness just might make someone's day; maybe even your own. 

Enjoy your Sunday.