I met Budha in 2002. Jon left work and I had to close up the store. He asked if I wanted to come over and have a couple drinks. I did. I grabbed a 6 pack of Rolling Rock at the liquor store (that isn't there anymore) by the movie theatre (that isn't there anymore) on Haines Rd. I followed Jon's directions and arrived at his house and remember loving the double decks. I walked up and rang the bell, and Jon walked over in his brick red flannel pajamas and a glass of wine - and then this beautiful dog came running, barking and wagging her tail...and her name was Budha. Man he loved that girl.
I went into the living room and Jon sat in his chair and I sat on the loveseat to his right with this dog sitting by me...she had the look of pure love on her face and I KNEW that this dog had a wonderful life with her owner and best friend.
Within only a week or two I had a key to his house, and I loved going there and taking her for surprise walks. At that time, our favorite walk was from Skyline/Observation Rd down to 3rd St and back up "The Long and Winding Road" (thank you Beatles). Our other favorite walk, was down at Chester Creek.
This photo was taken so long ago, digital cameras barely existed...let alone those new fangled "camera phones".
I remember taking her to work when Jon was working, and she would run behind the counter and stand up and put her paws on the counter when customers walk up. I could always feel the joy running through my veins seeing the smile she put on everyone's faces, especially Jon's.
I remember when Jon called me at work (this was when I lived there) and asked me to pick up some gauze on my way home because Budha had cut her foot. I cried. I knew she was fine, but was sad that this happy little girl was injured. I remember feeling ridiculous about it.
In 2004, I had my own apartment, but still - I always had that key - and I was still there (and for years to come) every day to see both of them. My friend Brent came to town and we took Budha on the Chester Creek trail. One of Jon's neighbors had 3 dogs he walked every day. Well, on this particular day, I heard his neighbor's voice call out from through the trees "Watch out for Stella!!" I put Budha on her leash immediately as his dog tore up the trail and attacked my girl, right to the ground. I pulled Budha out of the fight and Stella's owner came up to get his dog....I was not happy. As Brent and Budha and I walked I noticed she had blood on her ear. I was trying to find the source and couldn't. We hurried back to the house and I sat on the deck with her washing her ear and it kept bleeding and bleeding. I bawled. Finally I found through all that fur that it was just a tiny ear piercing but one of those places that just don't quickly clot. I walked to Jon's work and said "First....she's fine....but Budha got bit in the ear by "so and so's" dog". He looked angry, relieved and sad. I know how much he loved her...Budha was really like a child to him. He always said "she's blood".
Budha was such a lover. I remember one time my friend came over with a girl he was seeing, and Budha just wasn't having it. She growled almost the whole time she was there. Well...baby girl had good instincts. That girl was crazy.
One year I wanted to boycott Christmas and just have a birthday instead. Of course....everyone else still celebrated Christmas...but there was Budha, by my side just happy to be with me. :)
In all the years I've had or have known Budha, I've never left the house (or driven away) without saying "bye baby girl, I love you" - even if I was out of earshot.
I remember in 2006 I was at a party and I said "I have to get going, I have to see my schmoopy girl" and several people said "Yeah you just want to see Jon" - well yeah I liked to see Jon every day...but I NEEDED to see Budha. I didn't like the idea of her waiting for me and having me not show up. She was Jon's dog, his baby...and I was flattered when we agreed to call me "vice owner" and even sometimes he'd say "co-owner". Though I never thought I'd have her.
When Jon passed away in 2007 I drove up to the house in more pain than I had ever felt. I grabbed all Budha's belongings, said some words to his family, and saw Budha on her chain at the neighbors house. She was running and jumping frantically when she saw me. I'd seen Budha get sad after so many days when Jon would go on vacation..but this was different. I think she knew exactly what had happened. I was scared for weeks, maybe even months, thinking she would not survive this...the depression of losing her dad.
Having Budha....helping her be happy again, helped me to be happy again. I remember the first time I felt GENUINE, not alcohol induced happiness, after he passed away, was after I had taken Budha somewhere, and as we turned up 59th Ave, she stood up, her head out the window, smiling and wagging that tail.....and I knew she knew she was home. I even remember facebooking about that moment!
One winter morning I woke up and came downstairs, and Tom was shoveling...which made me happy and lucky just with that.....but then I saw more. He was playing with Budha out in the snow....and she was having a blast. I thought my heart would explode.
Tom was so good to her. He took her on walks and played with her and talked to her....she loved him. Sometimes I'd come home and they'd be on a walk together and I'd have to text him to bring her home because it was just too weird in the house without her. Tom is an amazing photographer, but one of my favorite pictures of her...he took with a camera phone:
I love her floofy butt in this photo.
There's just so many memories, I could type forever....but mainly - and I've said this for years and many of you have heard me say it. I would say "I love Budha so much I feel like my heart physically can not hold any more love for her....and yet somehow every day I love her more". Every day she gave me something new to be proud of, or she'd show me something new to appreciate.
Fast forwarding. I never saw her age. Last summer we were still taking walks and hikes where she could easily run in an area like this:
I was always so proud of how she was aging. Never a health concern, she was a vet's perfect patient. :) In December I sent out photo cards of Budha....I had wanted to for a while, and finally did. In January, you may remember I wrote this blog, I was getting pretty concerned about her. Even with just one episode....I knew. I remember crying at work, not because I worried that I was going to lose her right then but because I knew - I knew right then that this was my last year with her. When she recovered from that spell, she snuggled up with me on the couch (and had been snuggling a lot then) and I talked to her and I said "Budha if you ever give me anything more than you already have, you have to give me the promise that you will not leave me if I'm not here". I didn't want to get a phone call that she was gone, I didn't want to be away, whenever it was to happen....I wanted to be with her....that's all I wanted.
In April, I had a very stressful day. I came home at 5, put my pajamas on, popped a bag of popcorn, poured myself a drink and went to my room with Budha. She was concerned, and showed it by getting closer and closer and closer....she loved her mama so much.
In May, a dear friend of mine who is a pet photographer (ahem....Sarah Beth Photography...ahem) offered to do a Joy Session with Budha. I was flattered. On Memorial weekend we went on our annual camping trip with human friends and dog friends. She loved it. She was so relaxed the whole time....I remember thinking "This is going to be my last camping trip with her".
Once Tom moved, if I had to leave town for any reason, even though I have almost always had perfectly competent roommates who love her, I like to send her to Mandy and Ken's. She loved being there. In fact....if anything ever happened to me....they would be her new family. They would send me photos and updates of how she was doing....even if I was only gone overnight. I love that. Rewinding....the first time I had to leave Budha was in September 2007. It was my best friend's wedding in North Carolina...I was so excited but I was terrified to leave her that long (5 days!). When I landed in NC, I picked up my rental car and felt a pang of sadness wondering how Budha was doing...and that very moment I got a picture text from Tom. Budha was eating something and the caption said "Budh Budh likes green beans!" I loved it. And I loved Tom for everything he did for her, and for me. When I flew back in, my luggage broke in the middle of the MSP airport, and just at that moment, Tom texted me and said "Budha just got sprayed by a skunk". Here is her tomato bath:
We went to Island Lake like always for the 4th of July....she was tuckered out. A few days later she had a terrible episode. It scared me because she wasn't able to walk at all without stumbling into things. That night was the first night I ever slept on the couch. She slept on the floor right by me and I didn't leave her side. The next day she was like new. She climbed up into bed with me at bedtime like normal...but then she did something. For years I've always said "You'll never know how much I love you". Well that night she climbed right up under my arm, with her head on my chest and looked into my eyes. I swear it was like she said "Thank you for loving me so much". She slept most of that night with her head on me:
**picture to come later**
Since then she's been so great. We've been playing, and going on some of her newer favorite walks (Waterfront Trail) and she's been just by my side whenever she can be.
Something different started 2 weeks ago. I think Budha knew the time was coming. At night, even though she was with me on the bed, she would get down and walk over to me and stand there looking at me. But she had food/water and didn't need to go out. So I would just pet her until I fell asleep or until she walked away, whichever came first. Another new thing. For the last week she would not greet me at the door....I would come home and panic when she wasn't there. Then I'd go upstairs and she'd be on the bed - just happy as could be, but every time I would leave the house, even just to run to the store - back upstairs she'd go.
She did everything I ever asked of her and more. Over the last 7 or 8 months, I've always told her "You have to let me know if you need my help, I won't make a decision like that unless you tell me....and you're not allowed to leave me if I'm not here with you".
On Sunday we had the whole day together, and finished it up (as said) with a walk with our best pals. When we got home, it was clear she was very sore and tired (she had a little stumble getting out of the car earlier in the day). She was slow going upstairs, I put up the baby gate (which I only did on days when she was a little stubmly), and she jumped up onto the bed just fine. I was proud of her. My roommate shouted "Did she jump up on the bed" and said "Yep" and she said "Oh good!" - I just love Budha...and I felt happy that she wasn't too sore to get up there. I got in bed and was playing on my phone, and Budha stood up....and without stepping, tripping, or stumbling....she just fell completely to the side and came crashing down on my legs. I sat up and reached for her and she was shaking and panting....it scared her. She tried getting up again and I held her as she couldn't support herself at all. I got her off the bed and on a floor full of blankets. After about 45 minutes I pounded on my other roommate's door and when he answered I said "I don't know what to do about Budha" - he came in and we looked her over, and he went downstairs to get a flat plate for food and water so she could get to it. I got her settled in on the floor and I laid in my bed listening for her. I heard her little collar jingle....and in only the 2 to 3 second it took for me to get to her, she had fallen with her back legs one way, her front legs the other and her head in the direction of her back legs. I fixed her immediately and laid on the floor with her....my only thought - my ONLY thought at that time was "what if I hadn't been here?". I stayed up with her throughout the night and each time she would try to move, I would have to catch her.....she would fall, often time face first, and I just couldn't imagine if I wasn't there to be catching her as I was....
At 3am she tried again, and again I caught her but this time I picked her up and laid her back on the bed. I knew that if she was not better by morning...this was it. I slid a sheet under her in case we had to get her moved. she laid there for 3 hours sleeping, but her tongue was out, and her eyes were shut ....but tense...she was not comfortable, and her breathing was short and forceful and she exhaled through her nose. At 6 or 7 am she woke up and I let her try one more time to stand...she fell over. She laid there, with her head up....and looked at me....and let out a sad cry which I had never heard before and I said "okay baby". I begged her - I begged her as she laid back down to just let go, and I think she wanted to. she laid there with her short breaths and her head against my leg as I sat with her and comforted her.
Mandy came over in the morning and drove Budha and I to the vet. Budha wasn't scared...she just laid there on a blanket on the floor. The vet said exactly what I was thinking "She could recover from this, but how far are you willing to let it go...I think she's ready". And with that...I laid on the vet floor with her, nose to nose, and told her she made my life wonderful, and I thanked her for telling me she was ready, and in a soft voice I repeated "I love you, you gotta' trust me because I'm trusting you". and she closed her eyes and relaxed....and away she went as I kissed her nose and stroked her cheek. I said one final "bye baby girl, I love you" as I shut the door.
The picture above (as well as a few others) - while cute...they aren't "good pictures" - I know that my baby was hurting in that picture, and she just wanted mom. I keep the pictures for those moments I wonder if I made the right decision. Bottom line is even if she had recovered...I never ever wanted to see her go through what she dealt with that night again. And if I was gone while something like this happened...I'd never forgive myself. She should have nothing short of an amazing healthy happy life.
It's been tough. It's been lonely. Lonelier than I'd ever imagined. I hope she's with her dad again. I had a nice long talk with him about what a wonderful life she had, and what a wonderful life she gave me. Be together again my loves.
